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Not listening well
The kids listen well at school and behave well in public, and quite a bit of the time at home they behave and listen well.
But all too often lately they either ignore us when we are speaking or give us attitude when we make simple requests. We never yell when they make a mess or make a mistake, and we rarely need to really punish them with a timeout unless there is hitting or kicking, but the only thing that has been fixing the listening problems lately is to yell and I?m looking for other options.
(For the record, we always follow these instances with a calm chat and a hug, and it?s not an everyday problem, but it is happening often enough to be concerning.)
Example: Last night, the kids were in the basement visiting the cats while I was scooping the litter boxes. I stated that it was time to say goodnight to the cats and go upstairs. No response and the kids kept doing what they were doing. I say their names nicely and make the same statement again. This time H starts talking to T about their game before I?ve even finished my sentence. I yell her name and give her a glare. She looks at me, sees I?m serious and heads upstairs. He follows.
Ugh. It just feels like there have been too many instances like this lately where we have to yell to either get their attention or break a stalemate of back talk.
The only other thing that sometimes works is to threaten to throw away something from their treat bag if they don?t listen. But I HATE using food/treats in behavioral negotiation. And I?ve been using that tactic enough lately that it has been losing its effect.
If anyone has any great suggestions for getting the attention of pre-school/grade school aged kids who aren?t listening, without yelling, I would love to hear them.
Re: Not listening well
According to DD's teachers at school, she is the model student when it comes to listening/behavior. At home, it can be a different story--especially if she's involved in something. We hear a lot of "wait, I just need to..." at our house, which I'm much more tolerant of than the defiant, "No, I don't want to..."
For us yelling does not work. DH tries his stern voice, but DD knows he's a push over, and yelling just gets us into a battle of wills. DD likes to help, so some of the time phrasing it like, "DD could you help me by..."
Other times I have to physically walking over to her, hold her hand and lead her to whatever it is I want her to do, because no amount of me requesting she does something will work.
And like Amanda, there are times where the only cure is solitary confinement accompanied by a tantrum.
I don't really have any advice, other than I think this is typical and it probably will be for a while. In most cases, they are making a choice to not listen to you, so I feel like unless you do something like raise your voice, you're probably not going to break through to them all of the time.
Mason is well behaved most of the time, but sometimes he becomes so defiant that I have no idea where he came from. However, at the end of the day, I know that no matter how well behaved he is generally, he's also a kid and part of being a kid is not listening, pushing boundaries, etc. There are going to be a lot of scenarios that no matter what I do or try, he's just not going to listen, so I make it more of my goal to be patient/consistent vs. controlling his listening skills. GL!
I will commiserate as well. I think it's just part of kids being kids. They want to do what they want to do - which you know, isn't usually going to bed, eating their vegetables or picking up their toys. It's our job to teach them that sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to/aren't fun. (Do I like to clean/do laundry/cook dinner? Nope. But I do it anyway!) And while sometimes they'll concede easily to do the unfun thing you're suggesting...they're not always going to. And if a raised voice catches their attention and makes them go "okay, she means it. Guess I have to do that now" then that's what I use. I feel like if I'm raising my voice to make a point, and not to be mean or cruel, then that's what I have to do.
Thanks for all of the advice and commiseration, ladies. The last two nights have been somewhat better. We're trying to find the right balance between setting clear boundaries and showing patience over things that are developmentally normal.
This parenting thing is not for wimps. ;-)