Military Nesties
candychick52
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
basic training
My husband and I got married August 24 2012 and he is now leaving to basic training soon for national guard and he will be gone for 19 weeks (basic and ait). I need ideas of how to beat sadness and how to help when I am missing him because the longest we have been away from each other is one week and I am very dependent on him for all my venting and love because I don't have a family that is always there too support me. Help Im not sure I can make it that long without him! I need any advice you can give me beside keep busy because I know that will help and I am planning on staying as busy as possible.
Re: basic training
Hi and welcome. The first thing I will encourage you to do is read up OPSEC and PERSEC. I edited your post above to remove exact dates. Personal security is very important. We all have an internet footprint and letting all the wack jobs on here know you'll be alone for 19 weeks starting on a specific date just puts a target on your self. Always err on the side of caution.
Everything in life really is about perspective. Having a positive outlook is a sanity saver. If you keep saying this is going to suck and you aren't sure if you can make it, it will suck and you won't make it. Keep it in your head that you will get through it no matter how bad a particular day sucks. Keep in mind that no matter how bad your day has sucked, it was probably 10x worse.
Your husband will be off doing some exhaustive training. This is also your time to do your own training. Take this time to learn about your self. Learn all about your strengths and weaknesses. I promise you will see a strength in your self you didn't know was there. What do you like to do? Find hobbies. Take classes. Learn a craft. Go to the gym. Do things for you.
While he's gone, do two things for sure: 1) write him a letter every day 2) keep a journal for all of your vents and worries. When I was in OSUT (Basic and AIT in one unit), mail was every thing. A letter from home made a crappy day good and a good day great. Even if it was just a card that said, "Love, Grandma", it still reminded me that people at home were thinking of me and pulling for me. When you are in that training, they cut you off from the entire rest of the world because they want you to focus on your training. I didn't get to call home for 36 days. We didn't get any mail or send any mail for the first two weeks. We watched no tv and listened only to the music they let us listen to. We had no idea what was going on in the outside world. If you didn't get mail, it felt like the world had forgotten about you. It was very hard to stay motivated when it felt like no one cared if you finished or not.
In the mail you send him, tell him all about what is going on in your life. Tell him about family, friends and news around town. Tell him about what ever new store opened up in town. Tell him about movies you want to see together when he gets back. Talk about what you want to do when he gets back. Send him something every day, even if it just seems mundane to you. He wants to feel like he's still a part of your life. He wants to know about those mundane things because that's what he'll miss the most.
As far as the venting, do some in your letters, but keep it to a minimum. It was so frustrating and distracting when I would hear bad news from home or when someone would write me about problems or issues. I'm the type of person who wants to fix those things. I want to make those people feel better. It would upset me because I couldn't do a dang thing about it. If he needs to know about it right away, tell him. If you just need to vent, write it in your journal. If you want to, give it to him when he gets home.
Also, good friends are key. Don't feel bad about having some fun. Have a movie night or go out with friends. Give your self something to look forward to every week. Make it a mani/pedi, a new pair of shoes, a lunch date with the girls or something you like. Get a few new things for him, too. My husband loves to come home to things I've picked up for him. I find nice shirts, new recipes, new yard equipment or what ever I think he'll like. He knows I thought of him while he was gone and picked those things out for him
You can do it! Stay strong and feel free to ask any questions you have.
Hi-
Writing from the opposite side as the other poster, I was in your position. I never thought I'd ever survive being alone for so long. I wrote my soldier almost every single day while he was gone (realistically, it just wasn't always possible for me to write every night). He also went through osut training. Anyways. I didn't have family close by and I didn't have friends around either. I grieved him being gone but eventually I started joining groups on Facebook that were specifically for military wives/girlfriends/fiances. They helped a lot. And I also had homework to focus on as I'm a full-time college student...as well as planning a wedding alone. But eventually I adjusted to him being gone and was able to move on with life. I missed him every second of every day and swear I lived by the mailbox, but I also focused on the other important things in life too. But from receiving his letters, I can also tell you that letters are everything to those going through basic training as that was told to me repeatedly in his letters. His letters from home made his days, no matter how bad or good they were. So write your husband daily.
I was also very dependent on my soldier for all my venting. But I learned to deal with a lot of my frustrations and angers with his absent. I also learned to talk to myself....a lot....while I was alone. It might sound crazy, but it helped. No, he wasn't there to listen or to give advice back, but just talking out loud and getting it off my chest helped a ton.
So I guess my advice is grieve his absence as this is an adjustment period for both of you, but don't be afraid to move on with life either. It's a time to make new friends and find yourself again. And don't be afraid to be a little crazy and talk to yourself when you're alone. Sometimes it's exactly what you need. And remember, there's tons of groups out there with tons of women who are going through or have been through the exact same thing as you. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help! That's how I made some of my closest friends!
Hope it all helps! Good Luck to both of you!
"I was also very dependent on my soldier for all my venting. But I learned to deal with a lot of my frustrations and angers with his absent. I also learned to talk to myself....a lot....while I was alone. It might sound crazy, but it helped. No, he wasn't there to listen or to give advice back, but just talking out loud and getting it off my chest helped a ton."
This is a great point. I witness first hand how a bad phone call from home can derail an otherwise "hard charger" or what would be considered a good PVT. The loved one calls and vents to the Service Member who is literally helpless to assist. It doesn't matter what the issue is. If you say "the car needs an oil change and I don't know how to do it"... they don't have the time to tell you. They can't do it for you, and they won't even be able to transfer you the money to do it if needed.
By doing what the above post said "talking to yourself" you can get over the emotion of dealing with crap on your own and get down to what you actually need. Instead of venting that the check engine light is on - you can just say "Hey honey, where do you usually take the car for maintenance? I want to get it checked out." The Service Member can hear that you value their input on the issue (they are still important) and that you will solve the problem (they aren't letting you down).
When a PVT is going through BCT they have no control. Unless it is seriously EMERGENT try not to dump stuff on them. They need to be focused on training and YOU are their #1 motivation. When that phone rings they are looking for the light at the end of the very very dark tunnel (trust me).
I'm not telling you to lie or cover up - but think about what you are writing/saying. How it might get confused.
Oh - and write every day! Even if nothing happened write "I Love You" and "We're Proud of You" on a page and send it snail mail style. The longer mail call takes at the end of the day, the less time I have to "train" your Soldier.