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Some advice please or peace of mind
Hi,
Tonight I received a text from one of my friends and she was basically upset and waying that I am rude for not hanging out with her and my husband and I hanging out with her and her husband. What made her upset is that I recently had her invited to two home parties, Uppercase Living and Scentsy. She told me that she finds me to be rude because I will invite her to my parties, but not to hang out. She said that she invited me to her house and my husband and I have gone and I have never invited her to my home where I lived before we moved. I explained to her that I didn't invite them to my home because we had a severe mold issue and I was embarrassed plus I didn't want them to get sick. This is the main reason why we moved. She said that she understands now, but she is still upset about the party thing. I don't understand it. Do people really feel like it is rude to get an invite for a home party? Does it sound like the person hosting the party is begging for people to buy so that she can get free product and half priced items or is making money? How do you personally feel about this? Am I rude for wanting to get together with my friends and family to have fun for an evening? She said that the only time I want to hang out is when I invite people to parties. I didn't get a chance to tell her that since we have moved I have had a lot going on family-wise plus I have been very ill, with mono, ear infection and viral infection. I was so sick the month of April into May. Hanging out with people wasn't my top priority. I don't understand it and I am feeling very low tonight because I may be coming off as rude to people.
I have never been the type of person to be super close to people. I am friendly, but I kind of keep my distance at times. I enjoy hanging out with my friend, but now I feel very awkward. We are suppose to hang out together this coming Friday for dinner and then they are coming back to my home for dessert and chat a bit. I am fine with that, but I feel awkward now and I can't get it out of my mind that she thinks that I was rude and I must be rude to others. I didn't realize I was being rude. I don't know what to do and don't know what to say. I apologized to her and we are cool. I know now to not invite her if I have another party. I don't know. What do you think? Maybe I was rude. I was too embarrassed to tell her and her husband why I didn't want them to visit my home.
Thank you for the advice in advance.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Re: Some advice please or peace of mind
I think you are beating yourself up too much. Relax.
I've been invited to home parties where goods are displayed and sold by the hostess (ie the Scentsy parties). Often these invitations are the only time I am invited over by neighbors. In my nieghborhood I am surrounded by people my age or younger who have kids. They are super busy. It's up to me, the mature adult, to decide to attend or not. I don't perceive these invitations to be "money grabs" or rude. Again, an invitation is offered, and the invitee decides to attend or not.
You can't be mad at your friend, or she at you, for not inviting her over during a period of time when you were ill and she didn't know. These are things easily explained between friends.You have perfectly good reasons for why you haven't socialized in your surroundings. A good friend understand this and doesn't react in a knee-jerk fashion.
Again, relax. Spend time together at this dinner and afterward at your house. You don't need to justify anything since you said "we are cool".
Good luck.
I personally hate home parties and I do feel like the host is ultimately trying to make a buck/get some free crap. That's my assessment because the only two people that are constantly inviting me to these things would otherwise never make an effort to hang out.
BUT - this sounds like you and your friend have a different understanding of how to nurture this relationship. As much as I HATE Scentsy and Tastefully Simple parties, other women really enjoy them. That is their idea of fun - that it's a great way to catch up with friends or family. Neither side is wrong, just different.
I'd speak with your friend and let her know that it was not your intention to only get free stuff or make money... that you truly thought this was a nice way to get people together and catch up. DO NOT give BS excuses like you were sick... because you clearly still managed to have these parties, right? Be honest, let her know you had good intentions. But, assuming you want to maintain this friendship, let her know that you understand she's no longer interested in these parties and that you will make an effort to see her outside of the house parties. And follow through.
Don't beat yourself up... I think a lot of people really do enjoy these things and I doubt everyone else is perceiving you as rude. If they are still coming, they're clearly enjoying themselves. I think your friend, like me, is odd man out.
Honestly, yeah, I think it is rude to only invite people over to home parties. It is like saying you truly aren't interested in forming a real friendship with them and only want them to buy stuff from you.
It is funny you mention it because I was just talking to my friend about this very thing the other day. She and her husband are new to their church and a nice couple asked them over to their home. She later found out they only wanted them over to talk about some stupid pyramid scheme. My friend said it actually hurt her feelings a little bit. Here she was thinking they were making new friends and another couple was actually interested in getting to know them better, only to find out they just wanted to make a buck. My mom said the same thing happened to them in the 80's. They were new to the area and some couple asked them over to their home. They go over ( starving by the way because they thought they were going to be fed) only to be pressured into buying into amway. My mom said they never saw the couple again. When talking about it, everybody's reactions were "What is wrong with people ? On what planet is that ok ?"
Now those situations might be different because the other couples weren't upfront about them talking about a pyramid scheme. If I were you, I would step back and think about if you had a friend that only invited you over to sell you something. I understand you don't think it is rude, but others do. If you want to preserve the friendship, stop inviting them to those kind of parties and ask them over simply to get to know them better.
:: shrugs::
I don't know. I see it is that if you can invite people over to a home party thingy, you can also invite them over a real get together.
I do want to say that I think she is being a bit unfair and should have given you the benefit of a doubt for a bit longer.
Thank you for the advice. Umm..I was sick in March through the beginning of May. When I had my first party I was feeling well and it was the end of May and the next one is this Thursday, June 13th. I would not have a party when I was sick or hang out anybody while I was sick. So since I felt well, I felt like I wanted to get together and have a good time. She knows that I wasn't trying to make a buck or get free stuff. Getting free stuff is a perk, but my motive was simply to get together and enjoy some food and have a great conversation. After this next party, I am not having any more parties simply because I never have a good turn out and since she stated this, I don't want to be looked at in a negative light and trying to make a buck. In itself it is embarrassing that I am being seen like this even though others may not see it that way. Also I feel like I am wasting everybody's time. Including the person doing the party. I guess next time I will just invite people and not worry about having a reason like a party, just simply that. Thanks for the advice.
Thank you for the advice. I do understand my friend's point, but I also forgot to mention that I invited her a few weeks ago to go out like a double date with our husband's. She was mad then and told me that her husband had to work. Which could be true, but I felt like she was blowing me off. Also I felt like that I don't have to explain to her why I didn't get a hold of her before then since I didn't want to tell her that I have been terribly sick. I had mono, two other viral infections and asthma issues and almost was hospitalized because of it. Plus my son had hydrocephalus and porencephaly and we had to take him to the ER and doctor several times because he had a viral infection that wouldn't go away and we thought that he was having shunt issues. From March to May it was like this. Plus, my husband and I got kicked out of our house in the middle of winter and I was trying to get my new home in order before I had company then I got really sick. So since I started feeling better and I actually already had the parties planned to do before I got sick because I moved to a new home, then I thought it would be a good time to have them and share a good time with my family and my friends. I honestly didn't care about the free items and half priced items, etc because I never get them because people do not buy. That's okay with me, I just wanted to spend time with those people. Like I said in the other post, I guess I don't really need to have an excuse for people to come over and chat such as a party.
I know these are excuses, but I wanted to explain my situation a little bit. It has been a rough year so far. It was a continuation of last year. Constantly arguing with people, including my sister and her family about the moldy home which was their responsibility to take care of because they were the landlords and instead of fixing the problem, they kicked us out and now this with my friend. Also my son falling behind on his milestones and having therapy every week and doctors appts. I am tired and simply feel like I want to keep to myself. I thought having the parties would be good for socializing, but I am wrong and just simply am not going to have any more. Obviously, more people find it rude than not and now I know that and won't be having any more. Thanks for the advice and sharing.
Thank you for the advice. I will try to relax and try to have a good time. Hopefully by Friday I won't feel as awkward. I have decided to not have any more parties after this next one, simply because more people find it rude than not. Thanks for the advice.
I understand, I just personally hate those parties. I hate feeling pressured to buy expensive crap to " help out my friend," I hate being pressured to host my own party, I hate being put in an awkward position, I hate feeling like a mooch for simply coming over to eat and talk to people. Hate, hate, hate. When I am invited to those kind of parties, I always conveniently have plans. Part of the reason is also that my dad has wasted years of his life and a lot of money chasing the dream of " being his own boss" that a lot of these companies try to sell. I swear he must have tried about 10 of them with each subsequent one being the " right fit for him and he is really going to make it this time."
I just see it as if you simply want to get together with friends, chat and eat some good food, then do it. You don't need these dumb parties as an excuse. Maybe have a themed night like Meixcan, Greek or chocolate.
Again, I do think your friend was being a bit harsh, I would have given you the benefit of a doubt. However, I have been in her same position where I am only invited to a friend's home in order to go to these parties. It can make it feel like they truly don't want to grow the friendship and only see you as a way to make a buck.
Its rude to only invite people over for home parties. It sounds like you invited her one other time besides that though. Its also rude for your friend to just get mad at you instead of asking you what is going on in your life, then she would know about you guys being sick and the mold issue. I feel like some of this could have been prevented if you also disclosed some of these things you were dealing with to your friend.
My advice, don't worry about it too much. You were both slightly in the wrong, but just move on.
Thank you for the advice. I appreciate your idea of Mexican night etc. That is a great idea. I can see her point, but I really didn't mean any offense and now I feel awkward to hang out with her. It might take some time to not feel this way because now I will feel like I am walking on egg shells and I don't really see where my friendship will grow for awhile. Thanks again.
I would tell her you understand where she is coming from, but that truly was not your intent. You just wanted an excuse to get together but will be hosting regular parties too and want to see her there because you do enjoy her company ( saying that is true of course).
Now, if this does turn into a friendship that is high maintenance and she is always looking for a reason to make you the bad guy, then yeah I woudl have no problem ending it.
Thank you for the advice. I know I should have explained that, but I was embarrassed about the mold and I really didn't want to seem like I was complaining about my sickness. Kind of a private person here and just didn't think she would ever go off on me. We are not really close anyways. It is a fairly new friendship. It isn't like I have know her for years. Just about a year or so. I didn't know that she was really obsessive about seeing my home either. We have gone out a few times before on double dates and I thought things were cool between us. I didn't even think that it was that important to her to be invited to my home. I thought the importance was to hang out and enjoy company regardless of where it may be. Thanks again.
Thank you for that. I did tell her that last night when I was talking with her. I was telling my husband that I feel like that she only wants to see what my house looks like because she put a lot of emphasis on that. I understand her curiousity, but I don't feel like it should be her priority in our friendship. My husband thought it was strange too because we both didn't think that it was that big of deal. We both would have loved to have them over, but simply didn't feel like they were safe from getting sick and was simply embarrassed. They are not the only ones that we didn't invite, our family members were excluded too. Now that we are not in the moldy home, I really don't have a problem with her coming here. Having saying that, I don't want company all of the time though. I feel like she wants to hang out every week. That's fine, but I have other obligations and don't want to feel crowded and always feel like I have to entertain. She did say she understood my point about the mold and how I didn't want them to get sick and I was embarrassed. It was bad and my landlord is a family member and now we are into it. So now I have to try to repair that relationship because she is my sister. It is unfortunate. It has been such a rough year and ready for some serene and calmness in my life.
Has she invited you into her home ? I just ask because some consider inviting people into your home as sort of the next step up in a friendship. It is a sign that you want to get to know someone better. It is like saying " I want to be good friends with you and not just casual friends." Maybe she felt like she was putting out more effort by inviting you into her home, but the favor wasn't returned...well except in case of selling stuff.
Perhaps she was a bit hurt because she was thought you guys were closer than what you really were ?
I do think she was a bit rude by calling you out like that though.
No, I wouldn't see it as her wanting to see your house as much as she is looking for clues into how you want the friendship to go. Inviting someone to your homes opens you up for judgement and makes you vulnerable. In addition, it can be a sign that you feel more comfortable around someone and that the friendship has moved beyond a superficial level.
It could also be that her feelings are hurt because she was hoping to be good friends with you, but is getting the signals that you don't want that. Now, if that is the case she should have just moved on instead of putting you in an awkward positon.
Oh I see..I didn't think about that. I also was thinking that inviting her to my home for the party was kind of breaking the ice so to speak. We hadn't talked since Christmas and I thought since it had been a long time that it would be good. I guess it was a bad move on my part. I appreciate your words and advice that really has opened my eyes. I will just take this getting together Friday in stride in trying to repair and move on. Hopefully things will go well and we can move on and be better friends.
If she didn't know about all of the other circumstances (mold, illness, etc.) I can absolutely see why she felt like you only wanted something from her when the only invite she got was for a sale party. I am also in the hate camp for those parties. Most of the time, the stuff is overpriced and I don't want any of it anyway, but I feel pressured to buy something so I don't look cheap.
However, if someone came to me and said, "I see how you might have felt that way, but I did have all this other stuff going on. I'm sorry we haven't been able to get together. What about doing XYZ later this week?" I would accept that. I think it is going to depend on how she reacts with any attempts to make amends on that. If she continues to hold a grudge, then I would probably let the friendship go. People have to understand that everyone is busy and has stuff going on.
People that want to be your friend want to know about your life. if you don't share things about you with them, then they think you don't want to be their friend. If you don't feel comfortable sharing some things, you can share other things.
I totally get thinking that you guys were cool though, and that you didn't need to do anything else. Some friends need more than others, so if you other friends are laid back, more secure, cool with hanging out at restaurants rather than at people's homes it is reasonable to think these friends would be like that too.