Family Matters
bride8622
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
SIL
Let me begin by saying that my SIL and I have been very close throughout my relationship with her brother/my DH.. She was very helpful through my wedding and has been the world's most amazing aunt to my children.
That being said our relationship has become tense in the past few months, due to my third pregnancy. My SIL and BIL have struggled for over 8 years to get pregnant with no luck.
After announcing my last pregnancy she became withdrawn from my children, my DH and me. It has gotten progressively worse. My DH said to let it go and let her have her tantrum. (Forgive him, he tends to be pretty protective of me)
How do I proceed and ease our relationship?
I have posted about this about a year and half before but now its gotten worse.
Re: SIL
Yes and please believe I called him out on his lack of sensitivity by referring to it as a tantrum...
Now a few friends told me I SHOULDN"T say I can imagine or that I understand??
Not much else to the story..
I think my DH is upset because our kids don't understand and they ask about their Auntie all the time.
It's a bad idea to tell someone you understand their pain or know what they're feeling - with the possible exception of when you've actually been in their situation - because you don't know exactly what they're feeling. That is probably what your friends are trying to say.
However, "I can imagine..." is fine. Your goal is to tell her you know it's hard and open yourself up as someone she can talk to about her feelings if she wants. "I can only imagine..." or "This must be very hard" are good, too.
This is a really tough situation. Good luck with your SIL.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussI also dealt w/ IF. For the fact that your DH is upset because your kids miss her ... you need to be really, really careful about talking to her.
If it's about "our kids miss you" and it's not really about being genuinely concerned about HER, you may actually push her away even more.
And honestly - I just don't know how I feel about this talking to her bit. If you, YOU, truly are concerned and want to just let her know you're thinking of her... maybe. But even then. When I was in my darkest place w/ my journey, someone w/ kids approaching me and trying to "talk to me" about it - no matter how well meaning on their part - would NOT have gone over well with me.
I chose who i wanted to talk to about my issues and my feelings. I didn't want people trying to choose for me to talk to them. And again - people w/ kids? that would go over even less well.
And this is all from a person who was actually pretty open about my situation! I DID talk to many friends about it, including those with kids. But it was MY choice to talk. And again, at my darkest times - I shut down quite a bit.
Oh, and I FULLY FULLY agree- you do NOT understand, and even "I can imagine" really sounds kind of trite. It really only rubs it in "Oh- *I* have kids and really, all I can do is imagine".
Hell - I could even pick apart "I know this is hard for you". I'm not saying this to jump on you, OP. I'm just trying to give you the perspective of someone who is dealing w/ IF and the darker the place they are in, these are some knee jerk reactions. And "I know this is hard".... it's really not all that far from "I understand". "You KNOW this is hard? How do you "know"? YOu've never been in this place. You have no idea if it's hard or HOW hard it is....".
IN the end, this really depends on your personal relationship w/ SIL. If she's never opened up to you/ reached out to you about this issue, you need to be even more careful trying to talk to her about it. You have kids. She doesn't. There is no common ground there - at all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
@EastCoast
I really value your opinion. Thank you for this. So then is your advice to not seek her out but rather just be available when she needs me?
I have a lot of concern for her and personally it goes beyond "oh my kids miss you" she is my best friend. Someone I've been able to turn to and I've been that for her. She has reached out to me about her struggles in the past, and I would listen and be there for her. I never tried to say oh SIL I understand or tried to give her any advice. I was merely an open ear and answered only questions I was asked. I want to be here for her I love her and I hate that she'd hurting. I hate that something about me is what's hurting her.
What your SIL needs is space and she is taking it. It is hard to be around you for her at the moment and forcing yourself on her is not helpful. I am not trying to say you don't care and while you want her to feel better, you also want to make yourself feel better by fixing the dynamic. It is not about you. Oh and your husband sounds like an insensitive jerk, his sister is not being selfish. Seriously that is a horrible thing to say.
Anyway, you may not be close friends anymore or it may take a while for her to want that again. Again that is okay. I am sorry that it might mean you loose a friendship but nothing you do will change that. Be there for her and listen when she's ready, act normal when she doesn't bring it up. Send emails, call do what you normally do with her. If she declines things then respect that and focus on your family and other friends.
She is trying to be respectful of you without torturing herself. Also, not sure how you told people but when someone is struggling with IF telling them in private prior to a public/family announcement goes a long way.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Anyhow, that being said - as she's opened up to you before but presently is not, that makes me thinks she's probably in a darker place than she was before. OR the fact that you're now on kid #3, each new kid just makes it harder for her to open up to you. I know I found that to be for myself. A friend w/ one kid? I felt more comfortable talking to them. When they had another kid? It changed things.
And I can't even tell you why! There is no real rationalization for it. But w/ each additional child- it made me back away from some people, made it harder for me to be around them.
O.k - all that aside - to what you wrote above. My personal advice would be to perhaps send her a card. Let her know you're thinking of her, you care about her, etc. You're always here for you if she needs you.
That gives her the space that she may need and avoids an awkward in person exchange if she gets upset/doesn't want to talk.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
As someone who dealt (and still dealing) with infertility, my guess is that your SIL is in survival mode.
During my darkest time I has a very difficult time being around pregnant women and children and did what I had to do to keep myself from totally falling apart and that was avoiding them. This might be what your SIL is doing. In addition, as friends would announce pregnancy #2 and #3 it got harder and harder to be around them since all I wanted was one child.
I would give your SIL space and she will return to your life when she is ready.
Also, please tell your husband to be a little more sensitive when it comes to his sister's feelings. He has no idea what she is going through and never will.
Also, not sure how you told people but when someone is struggling with IF telling them in private prior to a public/family announcement goes a long way.
We told everyone in private rather then at a family function.
Oh and your husband sounds like an insensitive jerk, his sister is not being selfish. Seriously that is a horrible thing to say.
Yes I called him out on.. But he IS NOT an insensitive jerk and I would appreciate you not name calling him. He knows he was out of line.
Ok I like that. I think she would appreciate knowing that I get she needs space but when she needs me I'll be here no questions asked.. Thank you.
Also, please tell your husband to be a little more sensitive when it comes to his sister's feelings. He has no idea what she is going through and never will.
I did. I told him to be respectful of others esp his sister. He apologized for the comment and admitted that he was wrong. He really isn't that much of an a*hole I promise.
I like this advice. I can understand and will give her space. I did like the card idea. I know she would appreciate feeling like even though right now she can't talk with me I'm still in her corner 100%
Thank you ladies.
Look, I might be a little jaded when it comes to insensitive family members. My SIL is the type of person that makes EVERYTHING about her. How unfair I was b/c 3 weeks after our son was stillborn I didn't want to hold her newborn or listen to her glowing birth story. I am glad you explained things to him and hopefully he does get it and doesn't make snarky side comments.
I am also glad you thought of her and told her privately, I am sure she appreciated it. I second the card or emails. I found those to be the best thing. She may not want to talk but it is nice to know people care. I wonder if she feels tense or uneasy like your OP mentioned or if it is something your picking up b/c you were so close. Regardless you are being a good friend.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I've never been pregnant. I always wanted to have a child but it just wasn't in the cards for me I guess.
I do not shun pregnant people. I find the whole "woe is me" pity party is beyond me. Can these people ONLY love a child that they give birth to? There are many children looking for loving parents. Give one of them a chance instead of wallowing in self pity.
I am sure I will be flamed but go ahead......
I just want to thank everyone here for their input.
I ended up doing as EastCoast suggested and dropped a thinking of you of card in her mailbox yesterday. This morning I had a visitor and it was my SIL. She and I spoke for most of the morning and early afternoon. She explained that it was not anything I had done or said but instead a comment her husband had made . Her husband had said something along the lines that he should've married someone like me who could actually have kids. And that after that comment she was feeling horrible. I offered as much comfort as I could and she thanked me for giving her space. She said that it still hurts to be around me and she hopes I understand that she still loves me but that she needed more time.
I told her that she can take as much time as she needed. I would ALWAYS be here for her when she was ready to talk with me. She hugged me and that was that. Later she texted me and said she was thankful that I was her sister..
So thank you ladies for giving me a way to reach out and let her know Im here.
Thanks for the update. But what a fricking A$$ her DH is for saying that to her. I mean - REALLY!?!?!?!?!
And now I have to ask - have they both been tested? Do they know what their issue is? Do they KNOW it's on her end and not his?
Regardless - what an a$$.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I totally agree with this, I would do my best to let her know that you are there for her without seeming like you feel bad for her or pity her. That will only make things worse.
If you can say it without making her feel guilty mention how everyone in your family misses her and would like her to be more present in your lives.
I wish there was a like button. Maybe she should consider staying separated from this man. Sounds like she needs a break from TTC and to start working on counseling to work through all of her emotions. Those related to fertility and those related to her husband. It is good that she has you and it sounds like a supportive family.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I think my SIL truly believes that if they have a child all their other issues will be gone.
I honestly don't know if they have serious marital issues or if their issues are brought on by the stress/emotional toll of TTC for so long. My SIL and her DH have been together longer then I have been in the picture so I can't give you a fair assessment. My DH says that there was a time he would have considered BIL a good friend.
Shiz went down about 6.5 years ago that made BIL not look very good and he hasn't done much to fix that.
Anyway thank you guys for all the advice. I think I know how to approach with my SIL in a way that is all about her and can continue to be supportive to her. I did mention to her during our long talk that I had found The Nest and that she could find some real cool ladies here who are 3rd party un biased advice givers. She said she's check this out. (yes i was honest about seeking advice here on our relationship)
She may need to re-think having a child with this louse.
I know that comment would have been IT for me.