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Needy Inlaws (mini rant)
So for the past 3 months my new mother in law has been needing my husband to give her rides to and from work pretty much everyday. It adds up to about 35 miles a day, and gas is not cheap! They were down to one car, with 5 broken down cars in their driveway, and are now down to 0 cars, which is why we are giving them rides. They are doing nothing to fix the problem that they have no vehicles and are relying on us (and others) to help them out.
I understand that they may be going through hard times financially, but my husband and I are no better off. We are just starting out ourselves and living paycheck to paycheck. Last month our gas bill was over $200, and we live a mile from work. So it doesn't add up. She gave him about $25 for gas in the past 3 months, does not cut it. He won't ask her for gas money either, and I have gotten upset with him about that too. I understand that he is trying to help his family out. I don't mind the giving her rides as much as I mind funding it. If it was once or twice a week I may let it go, but it is becoming an everyday thing. And then after he picks her up from work he hauls her all around town to do her errands. I am getting really fed up.
I don't want to sound selfish or like I don't care, but I don't think it's fair for this burden to fall on us at this point of our lives, and I am worried this is just the beginning....
And advice or words of wisdom is appreciated.
Re: Needy Inlaws (mini rant)
How would you want your H to treat YOUR mother if she needed the same sort of help?
You and H need to come to an agreement about this situation. You need to find a compromise you can both live with. It might be that he can only give her a certain # of rides per week, or only rides to work and no errands, etc.
H is probably going to need to learn to tell his mother "no," which can be strangely challenging.
Are the errands something that could be done another way? Like could they get their prescriptions by mail? Pay bills online or over the phone? Have her paychecks direct-deposited? They might not even be aware that some of these options are available.
Would your H be more comfortable talking to his dad about $? Dad might be easier to talk to than Mom.
How much is your usual gas bill for a month? It's up to $200, but how much extra does that actually add up to? Compare your bill to a month when you weren't driving Miss Daisy.
Does your town have usable public transportation?
Why should they pay to fix their vehicle ? That is what your husband is there for. Oh, and I am not saying that as a good thing. My MIL is the same way. She has no savings, nest egg or anything else. She spends all she makes. That is because there will always be other people to pick up the slack and help her out. She doesn't know what it is like to sacrifice and save, because she has no reason to. Someone will always be there to bail her out when she is in trouble. My husband finally realized this and stopped helping because there is a difference between helping someone and enabling bad behavior.
Is there anyway that your ILs can save money and pay to fix their vehicles ? Could they sell one or a few of their non working vehicles.
If they are able to work but just have bad money habits - um, yeah, I wouldn't want to sign up for this either.
Your DH is absolutely enabling them. not helping. What happens if you want to go away for a few days? Or heck- even just make plans after work at the same time he's supposed to drive his mom around?
He's REALLY handcuffing himself to them right now. is this REALLY what he wants?
The "how" of how to get him to see this for whta it is- I don't know what to tell you. but that is what you need to do. Get him to realize what this whole situation is and that he actually is NOT helping them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So True Disney!!! This exactly!! Some people will not help themselves if they don't HAVE to. It's time to cut the cord and let them learn how to help themselves.
He feels he is helping is family in times of need.... which I totally get. Give her the rides, just don't pay for all the gas. It is really adding up. And the running errands with her all the time, we have lives and prior obligations and don't have the time to be at her beck and call. He said next time she offers him gas money he will take it from her (I won't be holding my breath though).
Sorry, but your H needs to be doing more than saying next time he will take money from her....you guys gave them one of your cars which they ran into the ground with the other junk pile AND paid for the insurance? Oh hell no! Your MIL is taking the pi$$ now and your H needs to put a stop to it. Seriously...
I can imagine that this would be incredibly frustrating. I think the main issue here is your husband's pride. No adult wants to tell their parents that they are not doing well financially. You also don't want to say "I can't help you now even though you have done a lot for me in the past." Still, he needs to figure this one out.
A few suggestions...
Could he perhaps call other family and try to coordinate who can help and when? They could work out a schedule where he is taking her twice a week and other people come pick her up on other days.
I like the idea of talking to them about cutting down the errands by having checks direct deposited, paying bills online, etc. But there is not a good solution for getting groceries. He should ask his mom to make a full week's meal plan and grocery list and he can take her on Saturday.
Do you have a car you could let them borrow for the time being? This is not ideal but may reduce the stress.
Basically he needs to realize that his first priority has to be the two of you being able to afford the things you need. He needs to be open to talking to his parents but if he is not I don't think there is much that can be done. You are lucky to have married a man who cares about his parents, I think most men would just make a stink about it and not help out.
Best of luck!
Just read the other responses where you said you gave them a car already. Sheesh!! How are they running all these cars into the ground? That seems so strange.
All things considered I think he needs to just talk with them. If you have been married a while and you are on good terms with his folks you may offer to go with him to help. Sometimes it takes someone with a bit of objectivity (read: not their child) to be able to get the point across clearly.
Thank you everyone! I was starting to think I was being a really bad wife by nagging my husband about this issue. I know I am right in this case. Yes, a couple of weeks fine, but 3 months.... give me a break! My DH just keeps telling me it's almost over, and they are going to get it fixed. That's what he said 2 1/2 months ago too.
Our family dynamics are so night and day I am having a really hard time with my "new family". I just don't understand the way these people do things. The last thing I want is to resent my husband over these kinds of things. Yes, I am lucky that I married such a sweet, kind man who would bend over backwards for anybody. But, at the same time we need to think of what's best for us right now. Where I come from the parents take care of the kids, and yes we are married but are still young and we should be leaning on them. (Not that we need to). I know this is going to be our main point of conflict in our relationship, and I am afraid I am going to blow!
Well this is your money too and if you don't want it spent on chauffeuring his mom around when she are capable of doing it herself, then you have every right to say something. Not to even mention wear and tear on your car. That money could have gone towards savings, a vacation fund, retirement fund, or whatever else is important to you both.
Look, it is obvious his parents aren't going to fix up their vehicle. If they were going to, they would have done it by now. At a certain point, he has to put the family he makes above the family he is born into. In fact, aren't those part of the vows he said to you ? " To put above all others and let no one come between ?" You have to put your foot down and say "This ends now." Don't see it as him resenting you, look at it as holding him accountable to the promises he made to you on your wedding day.
This is insightful and so true!