Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Issues with In-laws & Brothers-in-law
OK, my husband and I got married October 20, 2012. He has 2 older brothers. Since my husband and I first started dating in January 2009, I've not really gotten along with the oldest brother. Well....not getting along doesn't really define it well. The oldest brother (who will be 30 in January) lives in an apartment just 15-20 minutes from his parents' home (that's fine), but drives home every weekend, brings his laundry home to his mother and stays at the house over the weekend, not helping around the house or anything or even VISITING with everyone, just playing video games the entire time. Bottomline, he acts like a 3-year-old most of the time and also is a jerk most of the time, so it bugs me and THAT's how I "don't get along" with him. The other brother (27) is a bit better and less socially awkward, but he can still mostly be a jerk, especially around the older brother.
I had been fine and getting to know my husband's parents while we were dating, but especially since we had gotten engaged, I started noticing what a true jerk his father is, especially to his wife! I mean, my now father-in-law has always made digs at me, my family and my job (not horrible, but just not a picture-perfect situation), but it became apparent to me over the past year especially what a true jerk he is (which makes more sense as to how his other 2 children are).
Also, my now mother-in-law changed in the past year (just a few months before the Wedding). I'm chalking it up to the fact her actual baby (hubby is 23) is married and has moved about 4 hours away and it was a shock. She thought she'd have 2 other times of going through that first! That's the excuse I'm giving her.
ANYWAY, so the past year especially, I just get soooo emotionally drained after spending a weekend with his family. Now my husband is getting that way, too. It's so sad! I think being around my family, which is very supportive and tight-knit and knows so much about each other (his family has 3 topics they discuss, not joking: guns, engineering and cars. nothing personal, EVER), has made him see what really goes on with his family. His brothers ALWAYS, CONSTANTLY are digging at him, and his father a lot of times, too. We just spent a weekend with them and we BOTH were emotionally exhausted.
I guess I'm doing this more to vent than anything else. My husband, by the way, is COMPLETELY opposite of his brothers and father. How? I'm not sure, but I thank GOD that he is. He is sweet, sensitive and kind. Sure, sometimes that generational pattern from his family of "I know everything and am right about everything" comes out, but we all have generational patterns we have to fight to become better people. We are just so worn out, and while on some levels I'm comforted that my husband and I are on the same level with this and understand each other's frustrations, it breaks my heart that even he gets emotionally worn out by his family and is good with not seeing them AT LEAST for another 6 weeks, if not longer.
So for a question: what can he and I do to make this situation better? We feel like we are establishing our boundaries and are even discussing amongst each other our game plan for when we decide to have children, but what else can we do?
Re: Issues with In-laws & Brothers-in-law
For starters, stop comparing your two families. Just don't. Your DH didn't pick his family and yes it's kind of crummy that they are the way they are, but you are not going to change them.
The best approach is to ask your DH what kind of relationship he wants. How often does he want to visit? It's great that you are establishing your boundaries (although probably keep future children out of the picture for now). Sometimes just knowing the other family is batsh*t crazy makes the situation feel less dire. You at least know what to expect. It's up to him how much he wants to see them and what you both will and won't put up with - and what to do if they cross the line.
Your H can't stand up for himself. He should have kept his distance from his 2 brothers years ago.
And ditto for his father; your H needed to tell his father to stfu when it comes to you. Nice.... he cannot take YOUR SIDE>
You have an H problem.
He knows full well that there is a problem with these guys and yet he sees nothing wrong with wecoming them into your lives to the point where you and your H spend weekends with them.
So, no --- your H is not "UNLIKE" his brothers. This is the same thing -- immaturity --- only in a slightly different form.
I'd have said negatory to marrying into a family where such nastiness was the norm. Your H is 23; not mature enough to stand up for himself? Then he's in no condition to get married and take a wife.
I suggest counselng for the both of you.
He needs to cut ties with these 2 --- he hasn't got the guts to stand up for you when you get crap from the brothers.
Demand counseling.If you do not, you have a long haul ahead of you and your H needs to grow up in a hurry and realize that you are his family now.
And stand up for yourself. Do not hesitate to tell these people that their remarks are horrid and uncalled for and they are to cut it out now.
I'm not sure why you care so much about how infantile your BIL is... if he chooses to live his life like a child, what bearing does it have on your life? If it doesn't directly impact you, drop it. There is no sense in getting riled up about the way others live. If you allow his childish behavior to upset you, you are contributing to the problem - fueling the fire if you will.
Secondly, don't compare your families. Everyone's family dynamic is different and no family is the same. If you discuss the differences between your family and his, you're going to upset him and make him resent you. So stop that too.
The only thing you should discuss with your husband are the issues that actually impact you. If your FIL pokes fun at you and it upsets you, tell your husband. Tell him he needs to speak with his Dad about his comments, and that you and he deserve more respect. Same goes for his brothers. But you can't allow yourself to get riled up about the general jerky or infantile attitudes these guys have. Only when it's specific to you and/or your husband does it warrant being discussed and addressed. (For the record - I'm kind of side-eyeing him for not addressing these issues before now.)
It's his family and therefore his choice in how and when he wants to spend time with them. It's not your job to fix it. It's his family and he needs to figure this out. He has a few options here - 1. Carry on, keep mum and you're both miserable, 2. Continue to visit when you're able, but he grows a pair and starts approaching his folks/brothers when they are rude or disrespectful, or 3. Stop visiting altogether.
ETA - you suggested at the end that you guys are trying to get a game plan together for when you have kids. Don't do this. Don't make yourself (and especially your husband) crazy over anticipating potential problems, ok? You're doing yourselves a huge disservice here. Deal with issues when they come.
I'd strongly suggest 2 and/or 3.
The thing that your DH needs to realize - they may be his family, but he doesn't HAVE to go there more than he really wants to, if at all. That's why I'd start w/ #2 - start calling them out on how they treat both of you. If it doesn't stop, then just stop going. When they wonder why, you can tell them "We don't appreciate how we're treated".
ANd really- deal w/ the issues at hand. Don't put the cart before the horse on the kid thing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to stop focusing on your ILs and start focusing on your husband. A man can be nice and sweet and still have enough of a backbone to stand up to his family and say "You are not allowed to talk to my wife like that."
Listen, your husband is a wuss and seems to go the path of least resistence. Until he learns that you being upset is worse than his family being upset, I really don't know what to tell you.
If I were you I would let him know loud and clear how much being around his family and their comments towards you is upsetting. Don't sugarcoat, don't make light of it; don't shrug it off; let him know that their behavior is unacceptable.
Oh and if he doesn't want to visit with them for spans longer than 6 weeks, that is ok too.
Yep. All of this. You and DH need to address your FIL's treatment of you. But the rest of it is none of your business. If they want to let their grown child play video games at their house every weekend, they can do it. If they like to talk about guns, they can. It's not your house. And I don't think it's at all abnormal for a 23 year old man to be willing to go 6 weeks in between family visits, even in a family with a normal, healthy dynamic. I'm sure my husband has always gone at least that long and we don't live 4 hours away.
Certain parts of your story resonated with me, because DH's family is also very negative about everything, and his brothers are also quite childlike and they are both in their 30s. If DH brings up an idea that we want to do, like redoing our shower, they will be like "Oh....I don't know about THAT. Sounds like a lot of work. Probably cause plumbing issues, etc. etc." It is annoying as crap, but DH has learned to tune them out. I'm still working on that, as well as not comparing them to my family, who are all very supportive.
They aren't MEAN like your IL's seem to be, which I think is a big difference. MIL and FIL have never directed anything at me. Only one time has BIL said one mean thing to me. DH shut that shiit down right away. I do think your DH needs to stand up for you when they get nasty towards you. That is not ok.
Beyond that, it is best to let your DH set his relationship with them. In our situation, DH and I go for holidays and birthdays, and maybe an occasional one-off meal with them, but he doesn't really have a desire to spend a lot of time with them and I let him take that lead on how he wants to deal with him parents. We have a threshold for negative comments, and if they get too personal, that is when we take action, whether it is leaving, or speaking up, or what have you.
Everything you said makes sense to be annoyed with, but it's just how they are and it's between all of them, making it none of your business. I completely "get" it though. My IL's are similar: they're completely foreign to what I'm used to (my family and friends) and don't seem to follow any of the social rules that I was raised with. Would I socialize with them if I weren't with H? Never. But I've learned that it's okay and healthy to have my judgements/opinions of them and to move forward/let things roll off my back as they are DH's family who he loves, and I love him, so I respect the time spent with them.
However, do stand up for yourself if an inappropriate comment is made in your direction and do set boundaries. To answer your question: you can't change them but you can better the situation regarding the boundaries you set. If something is said that is completely offensive to you, tell them that. If you don't want them apart of your personal life, don't discuss personal things with them. I don't talk about anything of depth with my IL's. I mostly sit back and let them do all the talking with interjections every once and awhile or I'll participate in neutral conversations. I've learned if I give them an inch, they'll insert themselves directly into the middle of our life.
Things will get better as you two figure out the balance that suits you as well as getting used to the situation. It's great that your husband is willing to listen to your concerns but be careful to make sure you continue to have your H's best interest in mind as well as yours!