Family Matters
JulienC
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Why now?
So my birth mom passed away yesterday. She left my sister and I with our Aunt when I was an infant. My dad was absent from our lives too and we got passed around until he took us in when I was 5 1/2. So I turn 30 next month and nobody ever called one time to update us on the whereabouts of our mom. My mom called ONE time only because my dad told someone on her side of the family that my sister and I wanted to get in contact- which was a lie. She was unapologetic and I wish I had never given her the chance to speak to me. She had me speak to her daughter (who she gave birth to after she abandoned me) and her husband. Her daughter wanted a relationship with me and my sister....we didn't. I think her daughter got hurt because nothing ever came out of that conversation afterwards. That was 11 years ago when I was 18. I guess my mom died of a massive heart attack and now suddenly her sister calls my dad (who hated my mother) to tell him she's dead. WHY? She never called one time in the last 20 some (nearly 30) years to tell us anything about our mom. So why does my dad of all people need to know? He doesn't care. Why do my sister and I need to know? We didn't mean anything to her. We suffered terribly and because of my mother's actions my sister and I haven't talked in years. My half sister told me the news. I don't think they notified us for my sister and I to get closure. I feel they want us to feel guilty that she's dead; maybe they blame my sister and I for cutting her off. If that's not the reason then I thinkshe may be laying in the morgue because they can't afford to bury her and probably figure my sister and I will help pay for her burial. As awful as it sounds we will not. Do you think guilt and money could be the reasons why we were notified? I know to many I may sound cold but like I said my birth mom was unapologetic for leaving and her absence caused my sister and I a lot of grief.
Re: Why now?
I am stuck on the fact that she was unapologetic. How could anyone be so horrible? Don't tell me, I don't want to know. That's one of the worst things I have heard.
Honestly, in the half sister's position, though, I would rather you know than didn't since you technically have a right to hear. It is a very awkward situation and not knowing you she probably just decided after some deliberation that you might appreciate notification. She doesn't know how you feel, just that you're related.
You owe your mom less than nothing. Don't worry about that if it comes up.
Either politely or not so politely -- the choice is yours.
You tell them that their contact is neither wanted, warranted nor appreciated and you wish to have no more contact with them.
And then after that, they should buzz off.
If they don't, you might want to take further action to make sure they stay away.
I think it's completely reasonable that she call and just notify you. If she didn't ask for anything in the process.
My mom's dad died a few years ago and even though he lived less than 40 miles away he hadn't spoken to either of his "old" kids in almost 40 years. The family did call my grandma just to let her know and she told my mom and uncle.
It was more of an FYI, than please come to the funeral(they didn't go)
Clearly you have a lot of jusifiable pain from this life long situation. It is very sad and I'm sure it pains you, makes you angry, or both.
I just want to offer a different idea.
Your whole life has been hurt by this woman's actions and the resulting fall-out from her ill will. It's obviously something you carry as a burden.
No one should hold you responsible for her final arrangements.
But perhaps stepping forward out past the emotional pain and having the final say here would put some peace back into your life. Like it's an opportunity to take charge of the situation, which maybe you have never been able to do before as so many things had been done to you. Maybe you providing her with a final resting palce would actually make it easier for you to "rest in peace" and get some closure.
Perhaps it may also be a point of reconciliation for you and your sister.
Whatever you decide is understandable.
I understand.
You are not cold, feel how you feel; no one should say other wise. I would like to say those people wanted you to know, just to know. This was the individual that brought you in to the world, but thats it. Maybe they felt you should know for that particular reason. If it was for any other reason then thats their problem. You can simply tell them, "thank you for letting me know, good day." No one will understand how you feel, and people will try to tell you how to feel, what to feel, and to let go or move on. I get you shouldn't hold on to anger but unless someone has gone through it, they don't understand. If you feel you would rather have no part and you know that is the right decision for you, then you do what you feel is best. These people informed you, then that is it; but it comes down to what your heart is feeling.
I wish all the best, I can not imagine.
You're not the cold one here, I'm sorry for what you've gone through.
I agree with Tarpon, you have every right to tell these people never to reach out to you again. Whatever the reason behind contacting you, you're under no obligation to continue to endure emotional turmoil because of them. I wish you luck moving on to many beautiful things in your life.
she is no "mom"