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MIL post, of course
I will try to keep this simple. My MIL has never been fond of me, and the feeling is mutual. Sometimes it is rude comments or actions, other times it is just tension and awkward silence during family meals because she won't reciprocate conversation. Yes, I stick up for myself when she is rude and so does my husband. He also speaks with her one on one the night of or day after she pulls one of her stunts to make sure she knows what side he is on. But it blows over her head or she pretends she is a victim. We don't have to see them that often so it's not the end of the world, but it would be nice to not have to dread every time we go to see his family. And no, we can't cut them out of our lives completely; it is not like it is out of control and there is no need to hurt the rest of his family. I just wish there was something to do or say that would really make her wake up and realize that she is her hurting her son and me.
Re: MIL post, of course
Sounds like my situation, to a tee. I hate to break it to you, but neither you nor your husband is going to make the light bulb go off. And when it's a dynamic that doesn't exactly warrant cutting ties, all you can do is keep your chin up and continue to address the issues as they come. I have often said to myself "It would be so much easier if they were total assholes, we could just cut them off completely." But in reality that's not true. It would be so much worse for everyone involved, mostly my husband.
Not sure if your husband has ever gone this route, but has he told her "if you continue to do this, we have no choice but to limit/cease contact with you"? I would only suggest this if you both intend to follow through. If it's an empty threat, then don't bother.
ETA - I had a big fight with my MIL this past Christmas. I yelled at her, cursed at her, basically laid her a** out. It seems that she's realized the error of her ways but I've also only seen her twice since. I've essentially eliminated any opportunities for her to disrespect me. Even though in the two times I've seen her since she's been behaving, I'm not holding my breath. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are well within your right to cut back on visits. Your her DIL and you have little to no obligation to entertain her, let alone be the recipient of her nonsense. If your husband wants (or feels that he needs) to see her, he can do it on his own. You don't need to attend every time.
Is there a third party she will listen to? Somebody who'd be glad to go to bat for the 2 of you? Maybe she'll listen to that person.
Why can't you cut her out? Or better yet, why don't you literally get up from the table/sofa/etc and leave every single time she makes a disparaging remark or rudely ignores you?
She will never like you and deep down won't respect you (even more than before because you are standing up for yourself and making her look the fool) but she WILL eventually stop making the nasty comments around you.
However, I go back to why can't you cut her off?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There's only one way to fix this, and - fortunately - it absolutely works. Revise your expectations of her. Expect that she will never change, b/c she won't. Then be yourself and act exactly as you would with anyone else. What you'll find is that you will be completely unfazed by her silence and you'll be able to move right on with your conversation with everyone else present. You'll actually enjoy your visits, b/c she's not even an afterthought. If she freaks out in front of everyone, ignore her. If she confronts you, smile, say something witty or inane and walk away.
You don't have to fix her and you can't. What you can do is relieve yourself of the burden of trying to control something that's out of your control. Factors in your favor? Your husband is on board with you, her behavior speaks volumes for anyone in the room, and your behavior will speak volumes for you, too. Crazy MIL v. down-to-earth, cherished DIL? Who wins?