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Merging fiances after marriage...issues galore!
Hi there! I'm a long time lurker of the nest, and usually hang out around pets and GP. I had some financial questions, and thought I could use the experts on MM's opinions 
DH and I have been married for over a year. DH makes roughly $80,000 a year. I made around $45,000 a year. We had separate finances entirely while we dated, even when we lived together. I've always given him money every month for monthly expenses, and he's always managed paying bills/managing things.
I want a joint checking account. He doesn't (ok, so he is agreeable, but very stand-off-ish about it). Ideally, my paycheck and his are both deposited into the joint account. We then pay all of our bills from that joint account. We would also then use our joint savings to actually save money.
I feel like I'm completely out of the loop with regards to his finances - and I think he likes it that way (although he is not saying or admitting it...).
For example..today we're buying a new fridge (ours died - a week ago). He wants me to purchase it. I don't have the extra income to right now. He would like me to work some OT to pay for it. I don't agree - I have zero idea how much is in his savings, or checking account currently. He has shelled out a lot of money for a bathroom reno lately (that he's doing himself), so I understand he's tired of spending money. But if he has $20,000 in his savings, and I barely currently have $2,000...I don't feel like I should buy the $2000 fridge. And I feel like we're not working as a team in this, that it's all about me or him..not us.
This is also the reason I have no savings! Something always comes up, and I end up feeling like I don't contribute enough to the household...so I end up purchasing it. I just had to buy a new dishwasher, had a big vet bill, and an $800 RE bill (in the last month!). This stuff happens on a regular basis, and its driving me batty!
I need pointed in the right direction!
Am I being unrealistic? How did you and your DH merge finances? What do you suggest? How do we keep our finances separate, and make it more manageable (which is what DH would like)?
Re: Merging fiances after marriage...issues galore!
DH and I make almost the same salaries, and even we started having trouble with "my money vs. your money" within a year after we started dating. We ended up getting a joint checking account and a savings account for our wedding a few months before we got engaged (shortly after we moved in together).
Some couples work out finances just fine without going the joint account route, but you have not worked out your finances at all. I would absolutely not be okay with your situation - for many reasons, but primarily because neither of you even knows how much money you have! Do you have joint goals for the future? How are you going to reach them? Is either of you racking up debt that the other doesn't know about but could be responsible for? In order to answer these questions, you need financial transparency. I would recommend, at the very least, sitting down and opening all your accounts together in order to budget at the beginning of each month or pay period. You should work towards having a "team" outlook on your money and your future. If you can both take ownership of your joint financial situation and agree objectively on where money should go, there should be no more "You pay for the fridge," "No YOU pay for the fridge!" arguments.
If you're able to convince him to get a joint account, I recommend putting your paychecks there but keeping your current accounts for "fun money." We have our paychecks direct deposited in parts: $75/mo each into our individual accounts for fun money, and the rest into our joint accounts. You could do this, or you could have your whole checks direct deposited and then have automatic transfers set up to move your fun money into individual accounts.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussI have to agree with PP. It doesn't seem like you are on the same page financially, and that can cause a TON of problems for the future. Get him to sit down with you, plan a monthly budget based on both your salaries, and discuss everything. His money isn't his money any more than your money is your money anymore- it's all our money (both of you together). There shouldn't be an arguement over a $2000 fridge, that seems very silly. How will you ever afford a new house/car/vacation/kids/etc if that is the attitude he has?
If for some reason after this discussion you can't get him to agree to a joint checking account, then designate who pays what bills- and that should be based on your incomes then. You should be able to save money just like he is saving money.
Honestly though, his lack of being willing to talk to you about this worries me. What is he hiding? That would be my concern. Does he have 400k in student loans or something like that, that never 'came up' in discussion. Sorry you are having to deal with this. It was a very seamless process for DH and I as we had discussed $ issues during our pre-marraige counseling sessions that our church required. The only issues we ended up having were when I quit my job to move overseas for his job- then I felt really bad about every $ I spent, but I had to get the guts up to tell him how I was feeling and we started a budget with 'our' money.
You and your husband need to get on the same page. Ask him some questions to get him thinking.
"Should the person earning more pay more? Should the person earning more get to enjoy more luxuries?"
"Do I need to go into debt to pay my fair share?"
"What happens if one of us loses a job? What if we have children and one of us stays home with them? What does that person pay? What does that person spend?"
"What if you get hit by a bus/kidnapped/arrested and I have no way of accessing your funds immediately?"
Thinking about questions like this led my husband and I to combine our finances. Our paychecks are deposited into our joint account. We then transfer fun money to our private personal accounts. Although I make twice what he does and though he tends to spend more than me, we are budgeted the same exact amount for fun money. Some months his personal account gets low and I give him some of my fun money allotment. This does not bother me. It is a small price to pay for a happy marriage and to avoid disagreements about money.
We have specific rules about the types of expenses that can be paid from our joint account and what types of expenses need to come out of our personal accounts. Large household purchases are always discussed and decided upon together.
This is what works for us. I hope you find a plan that works for you.
This is a really, really good point. Even as his wife, if you are not jointly listed on his accounts and vice versa, you (or he) will have NO access to any of the funds inside them. ZIP. NONE. And, they will not divulge any info on the accounts either unless they are compelled to do so via proper legal channels.
To echo another PP, you need financial transparency. You don't have to necessarily combine everything, but you DO need to know the cards the other party is seeing.
Accounts, debts, loans, retirement accounts, etc.
If he has issue with this just tell him it's all going to come out anyway when the two of you go to a mortgage lender for a new home and they ask for it...all the debts, accounts, and other data will be revealed then.
And depending on the state, as his wife legally, and as your husband, you could potentially be on the hook for debts he has or him for debts you have if one of you died or if you divorced.
This whole situation would worry me. It is one thing to keep your finances separate, another to be clueless to what the other is doing with their money. I don't think there should ever be a 'You pay for this, I'll pay for that' in a marriage. It just makes it so you are keeping score of who has paid for more. It is also unfair to be splitting things 50/50 or having you pay for these high price items when he makes a lot more than you. You will end up in debt, potentially hurting your credit and he will end up with more savings.
Do you know anything about his debt? Does he have student loans? Credit cards?
It is also harder planning for future goals/savings if you have no clue what is going on with each others finances. You guys obviously don't have a budget or an emergency fund. Are either of you saving for retirement?
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this and let him know how you are feeling.
This is what my wife and I have:
Both have a separate checking and savings account that our pay checks go into.
We have a savings account for annual joint bills such as car insurance this also covers car repairs and housing issues. We both put in at minimum $50 and since I have used it more lately I am refilling what I used.
We have a joint checking and savings account for gifts, vacations, to help pay for our second child's birth when we get pregnant and for private school. Currently since I make the most I fully fund these accounts myself.
We have a joint PNC wallet that includes 2 checking accounts and 1 savings account that I fully fund. We got this to do some home repairs and to open it I had to add enough for our envelops for groceries, my gas, and misc. entertainment.
I make more then my wife and we are having her focus on paying down her debts first since her student loans are a lot higher then mine. My Federal student loans are roughly 1.75% APR so I am in no hurry to get rid of these right now.
i agree with all this and also think he's not acting like a husband, more like a room mate. You're married, you SHOULD know what he spent his money on with making $80K and asking YOU to work OT to pay for fridge....
If you don't have access to his account, I don't know if I'd believe he has $20K in savings. If so, he should be taking care of the fridge.
Yeah.... this: And I feel like we're not working as a team in this, that it's all about me or him..not us. is a problem.
And what you need to realize- having a joint account won't solve this. It's your overall attitude/ approach to money that matters more than where you actually keep it.
DH and I have never had a joint account (together over 20 years, married 10) but we have a "joint budget" and we have a plan about who pays what/ who saves what, etc. We both have access to all our accounts and we both know our full financial picture.
This is where you need to start w/ your DH. Don't worry about where you deposit your money right now. Worry about getting on the same page and pooling your money on PAPER so that you both know the full picture. You need to discuss goals, overall finances, etc. Develop of FAIR system of how to pay for expenses.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, that sounds very unhealthy to me. He is treating you as a roommate, not a wife. When you get married, it's YOUR money together. That's what marriage is, combining life. You can still keep separate checking if you like, but neither of you will get far in life like getting a house or saving for retirement, or gosh knows if kids come into the picture, without knowing your finances and being on the same page and working together. And if he doesn't want to, I'd sit down and think WHY he doesn't want you knowing anything about his finances. That would be very suspicious to me, does he have crazy debt that could affect you, or you never know if someone could be cheating or gambling or have a drug habit and hiding it. (Those are extreme I know, but that's where my mind goes when people hide finances.)
You definitely need to get on the same page asap! Good luck!
Also- I just got married, and we combined everything. It is SO much easier this way, we know neither of us are spending money unnecessarily, and are saving for OUR goals, not just one or the other, but still have our own fun money to do what we want with it.Thanks for all the great advice.
We spent most of yesterday talking about it further, and he is more agreeable to a joint account.
In regards to what he may be hiding - I really don't think he has any crazy debt. He has great credit (he bought a house prior to us getting married - it's the 4th house he's purchased). He has no student loans - he played a sport in college, and got significant scholarships. I think he's just used to managing "his money" and doesn't want the unpredictability of that initial few months of budgeting together, getting used to things.
We'll probably open up an account early next week, and hopefully make some progress. I've printed out my last three month bank statements, to truly see where my money gets spent. After I have mine laid out, I'll ask him to do the same..on paper, and we'll review everything together. Hopefully this gets us more so on the same page.
I actually see your post as a serius issue that must be dealt with, especially before you even consider TTC. This is the foundation of our marriage and tere is no trust or oneness.
I personally feel that in a marriage all things are equal and joint finances are a must. If you decide to separate I guess your decision but you must know what he makes, spends and owes. I think he is hiding debt from you.
There is also no respect in that he "tells" you to pay for household needs.
Schedule a time for a fmaily meeting. EVERYTHING out int eh open, his bills, income, debts, goals and yours too. If he does not agree see a counselor immediately. and cancel the TTC. Kids are $$ and the marriage issues will only get worse with the stress of children. SO sorry.
omg all of this, it would totally get worse after kids and then you would be stuck dealing with this man for 18 years if you got divorced.
Like everyone else said I'd be afraid. My FH is horrible with money. We had been dating about a month when he started depositing his check in my account so I could pay his bills (and off the debt he had accumulated).
Now we have to a joint account that both of us put a set % into and all of our "joint" bills come out of. Things like house payment, insurances, food and wedding things. The rest stays in our personal accounts for "personal" things. We buy clothes, nights out, and things like that out of those accounts. Anything left in joint account goes into joint savings at the end of the month (not much now planning a wedding). Anything in personal is planned to go into retirement at the end of the year.