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Newlyweds with all single friends
Hey guys! This is my first post on the Nest, so I am not sure if this is the right board but I have come for a bit of advice on how to deal with single friends.
Both my husband and I are the only people in our groups of friends that are married. He is 27 and I am 25, we have been married for 7 months, together for 5 years. The problem lies with his friends, although I love them and think they are great they don't seem to understand our priorities are slightly different now. It is a group of girls and guys he teaches with. The issue lies in that hanging out with them tends to need to be a whole day activity, they also want to get together multiple times a week. A typical plan for them is to meet up around 9 am and plan to do things until past dinner time. We always have a great time with them, but I feel this is excessive. They are also constantly texting him in group texts, as in his phone goes off all day. Even he gets annoyed with them.
How do I handle this? Am I being overly sensitive? In no way do I want him to stop hanging out with his friends, but I feel like this is starting to affect our marriage. I am starting to tell him no about his friends plans and he gets agitated because they get mad at him and act like we are becoming one of "those couples." Thanks for any advice, I apologize for the long post. 
Re: Newlyweds with all single friends
I am going to make the assumption that you did not live together before marriage and therefore his friendship with this group didn't fully impact you or him. That said unless it was long distance, what has changed over 5 years? Newer friends? If you've always been ok with hanging out with them all the time it seems strange to suddenly change that unless there is more to the story.
The good news is it doesn't sound like your husband is ditching you to hang out with them, he is doing the opposite. He can obviously see that they are not being respectful of your marriage (you say he gets annoyed with the texting). He is probably trying to figure out how to balance this friendship and marriage. I don't know that this is something you should worry to much about.
Not sure what you mean by him getting agitated, can you explain? Are you canceling after making plans with these friends? Not wanting to go or him to go but you don't have plans either? Why is it not possible for him to go for a few hours by himself and for you to do something you enjoy? There is a middle ground, a few hours every week with friends is not a bad thing nor is time apart.
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Thank you for your response! We lived together for the past 2 years. He has always been friends with a couple people in the group but it has expanded in the last year to 5 people. Since the new people joined the group they have increased the time they hang out.
I have never cancelled the plans, I just tell hubby that I don't want to do them. When they make plans that I don't want to take part in, I always tell him to go by himself if he would like, and support his decisions. An example of when he gets agitated is the other week he went over to one of their houses to watch movies and hang out during the day. (They are all teachers and off on summer break) He went over around 10 am, in the afternoon they told him they wanted to do dinner too. When he told them he was going home to have dinner with me and they all got on him about being whipped and why would he want to go home. I work 9-5 Mon-Fri, so we hang out on nights and weekends. He got agitated because they actually made him feel guilty, and that he was being unreasonable.
I strongly believe all couples should have alone time, and should have friends and relationships outside the marriage. But this is not a few hours a week, they want to do things at least 3 times a week, and they are not just 3 hour plans. He recently went out to the movies with them and dinner, they ended up hanging out for 6 hours. They had already been out twice that week before that.
I'm confused why this wasn't a problem for the past two years you've been living together? Or the past year that you were living together but still unmarried and the group grew? What did you and your husband do then?
Marriage doesn't magically change the people in it or the people outside of it. I'm sure this stuff was going on before you got married but now it's a problem. Whatever the reason it's become a problem I suppose is irrelevant, but I am curious.
Because I have to say... especially as you lived together, I'm not really sure why being married suddenly changes things w/ his friends. What "priorities" exactly are different now from before you got married? Did you two not want alone time then too?
Anyhow- back to my first point... focus on what the issue is. The group is different and they want to do things that your DH simply isn't interested in doing. It's really not so much about you, his being married, OR his being "whipped" (ugh). And as such, stop making it about that.
If I were him, I'd point out to these people that there was a time where getting together wasn't an all day thing. It's "new" in the past year. And that's what the problem is - he doesn't have all day to just hang.
They keep giving him a hard time? Maybe it's time to rethink these people. Real friends show a little more respect for one another.
And really- ditto Kuus too! They start in on him? "Yeah- guys, this really isn't enticing me to want to stay. See ya later!".
I also think he needs ot start owning his decisions too. Remember- no one can actually MAKE you feel guilty. That's all him. Not them. Maybe if he showed more confidence in his decision and less concern about what they think - they'd stop being asse$ about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Friends who call their friend "whipped" and bug him for wanting to spend time his wife? Doesn't sound like the kind of friend I would want. You're the wife, you should always come first. If they can't understand that, or understand that your husband married you because he actually enjoys your company, they sound like bad friends and a bad influence.
Your husband needs to deal with this, and with his guilt, before it has a negative effect on your marriage. He should be able to get his priorities straight and defend them without feeling bad. Sorry you have to go through this! I hated one group of my DHs friends when we first met. Thankfully, life gets busy and eventually there isn't as much time for everyone, and some people fade into the background.
I completely agree with ECB. The dynamic of the group has just changed. People who do not respect your relationship are not your friends. He should continue to ignore their plans and find new friends.
we have this other couple that we used to hang out with. They are 10+ years older than us and act 10 years younger than us. They began giving us a very hard time about not wanting to "bar hop" or party all night, saying "you guys are the young ones, you are supposed to be out here!" While we may be younger, we are old enough to act our age. We have stopped going out with them, but still get guilt trips occasionally when we refuse their invitations. Some people just do not get it. Your DHs friends are those people.
Thank you all for your kind advice. I agree with many of your opinions that they are not acting like the best of friends. I have discussed this with hubby and I think we will be careful with how we handle those relationships from now on.
For those of you who were wondering what had changed, and why I had believed things should "magically" change or everyone's priorities should change like mine, it's simple. I never said I thought any of that, and nothing really changed except the group wanting us to spend most weekends and evenings with them. I appreciate the different views that were brought forward. As people who are/were newly married I am sure you all understand how we would want to have some romantic evenings and weekends together. Not just go out with his friends constantly which is what was happening. I was just looking for advice on how to manage our marriage and overbearing friends in a nice way. I did not want to continue this throughout our marriage where we feel guilty about not wanting to do everything with other people.
Again, thank you all for your advice. It has led to great discussions with the hubby about the line between friends and marriage and how involved we should be with everyone without it affecting our very important couple time.
OP, my H & I went through similar stuff with a few of our friends in the beginning of our marriage. Mind you, we had been together for 8 years at the point where we got married. Some of our friends who are still single just didn't get that we couldn't/didn't want to go out all the time with them like we used to or didn't want them always tagging along or would have to leave early from somewhere because we had stuff to do early the next day. Nothing magically changed once we got married, we just had other personal goals that we had as a married couple and realized that being out every single weekend in the clubs or parties wasn't going to help us achieve those goals. It was nothing personal, but friends should be respectful if you guys have stuff you need to do and not give guilt trips about not devoting all your free time with them.