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Moving in with In-Laws during Chemo
My DH was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, just 4 months shy of our first wedding anniversary. He's currently undergoing chemotherapy treatment in Toronto and doing extremely well and for that I'm eternally grateful. However, we're about to move to his parents' house, 3 hours away, for him to relax and recover. We have a tiny apartment in the city and it's not conducive to relaxing - it's a 4 story walk-up, tiring even in the best of health. Our inlaws have a lovely bungalow on a huge plot, and are close to another excellent cancer treatment hospital. So the setting for his recover is ideal - but I'll be trapped out there. I have a good relationship with my inlaws, but I suppose my question is, any tips on living with my in-laws for the next few months? And the balance between his mother & I in his care-taking? Am I overstepping by insisting I go with him to all appointments, or should I be tactful and let his parents go from time to time? (Only 1 visitor is allowed during his treatment days).
Thanks in advance for any advice!
Re: Moving in with In-Laws during Chemo
I am SO sorry to hear this about your husband. It must be unsettling to experience this so early in your marriage.
Your plan makes sense in so many ways, and I'm sure it will work out.
As a mom to an adult son, and a wife, I can give you some advice. If my son were going through this (he lives 750 miles away right now), I'd want to be there for him, but if he were married, I'd also understand that my apron springs may not stretch into the treatment room. It would be nice if his wife asked me if I'd like to go one day, but if not, I'd understand. Watching a child suffer is the worst experience in the world. As parents we automatically want to help.
Although your husband is sick right now, I'd pose your questions to him. He knows his parents better than you do, the dynamics between all of you, and what HE wants. It's natural to reach out to any loving family member, whether wife, mother or father. Maybe he'd prefer to have you all rotate who goes to treatment with him. Maybe he considers his parents overbearing and doesn't want them there. He's the one struggling with this terrible situation the most, and he is the one who will feel like crap much of the time. Then after this discussion it is HIS place to inform everyone what he wants. That may change over time, but he needs to be the one making these proclamations initially.
I wish you the best as you go through this "in sickness" part of your vows.
I agree with Sue- talk to your DH about what HE wants. That's the first priority. And if he says he wants you there - then there you have it.
Past that, though, if you're DH is open to it - I'd try to give his mom some room to care for him. I'd HOPE, like Sue, that she'd respect that as his wife - you should be the primary person. . But this is still her son, her "baby", and I'd try to allow room for her to take care of him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
being a caregiver is a VERY hard job, I watched my BIL do it w/my sister and he gladly accepted any and all help from his and our family.
this will be hard for the two women who love him the most. put your feelings aside and come together to do what is best for HIM, he needs both of you and your in laws are incredibly generous to let you stay there. be thankful and lean on each other, you will need it, he will need it and they will need it.
Moving tomorrow - will keep you posted!
Have to fully "ditto" this too. I watched my stepmother do this for her sister for the past 2 years and... well, it was very, very, very hard.
So - realize yo umay NEED their help eventually, even if right now you feel you can do it all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your stay with them is similar to being houseguests: they need to realize you need your space. They also need to realize he needs his rest and that you are his main caretaker.
It would be great if they brought over meals, maybe helped you with things like laundry, took you to the store to obtain groceries and necessities and do yardwork and other "heavy" stuff that your H most definitely can't manage, due to his health.