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Inlaw Drama Advice
Hello,
I have been having issues with inlaws and boundaries. We have had multiple conversations with inlaws about their constant intererence, and that we would not like for them to come to our home unannounced...
To make a long story short, I haven't been to their home in a little over a year because of constant nagging and confrontations we have when we visit, and DH has gotten to the point that he doesn't want to visit and bring the kids to visit them either, because he is tired of the back and forth and pressure to take sides.
His siblings and are involved, and they send him all sorts of nasty text messages and alot of name calling directed towards me, and they feel that I have ruined their family, because he doesn't visit them as much.
DH has explained to them that their behavior has only made things worse, and it pushes us both even further away.
In the beginning things between his family were okay for them but miserable for us, because I was basically being a "yes" person, and agreeing to all of their demands, but now that we have decided to do what is best for us and our family its a big problem.
Just a few days ago all of them showed up unannounced at nine am, and we didn't answer the door. His brother called him and was upset because we didn't answer, and he begin to call me all sorts of names, and saying that he should not treat his parents in that way...
We hate to keep the kids from them, but at the same time they are making our lives miserable...what should we do?
Re: Inlaw Drama Advice
What exactly do they bring to your lives that makes you feel it's important that they have access to your kids? Being "family" doesn't give them any innate right to have a relationship w/ your kids.
If you and your DH aren't happy w/ them and if being around them is a negative experience, why on earth would you want your kids exposed to that? (And don't delude yourselves- kids are perceptive and even if you THINK you're keeping the drama from them, you probably aren't)
I'd stop answering their phone calls too if you know what the call is going to be about.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You are so right about the kids @Eastcoastbride!
I have had their calls and text blocked through my cell carrier awhile ago, but even though I blocked their calls it still affects both of us when they call DH with negative stuff.
His family insist that they haven't done anything wrong, and they try to make us feel like we are the problem...which we refuse to take on that guilt!
I feel that things have gotten so bad that the relationship could be damaged beyond repair. The things that his siblings have said about me were very hurtful, and I'm not sure if I ever want to be around them again.
They all need to find some business of their own, and quite focusing in to much on our lives...
I'm not sure if they really understand how much confusion they are causing.
Wow, that's crazy that they all showed up at your place. What did they think would happen, you'd make them French toast and you'd all have a super time? That's really inappropriate and intrusive.
Beyond sticking to the boundaries you've set and doing what's best for your family, I don't know what else you can do. You can't stop them from trying, but you don't have to give in! Is your DH on board with not seeing them much?
i feel for you because I also dislike my inlaws and it was painful and awkward to see them. I don't trust them around my son, so I'd never leave him alone with them. We had the opportunity to move across the country, and we took it, and DH's family was a huge part of that decision. It's a big step, though, and I realize it's not possible for everyone. And actually, they manage to cause a lot of drama from far away too!
i wish you the best. Stay strong and don't feel you have to let them see your kids if they aren't going to be respectful to you. You don't want your kids hanging out with people who insult you, do you? It would be confusing and upsetting for them.
From what you have shared, you and your husband have done everything you can to encourage them to shape up and they aren't taking the bait. Conversations led to action... there's not anything else you can do but let the relationship take its course. It's unfortunate - awful, really - that they can't see the error of their ways but you can't make them understand, you can't make them change. It's on them now. I would leave it be.
I would suggest your husband blocks their calls and texts too. He's the one connection they have, he's the in to wreaking havoc in your lives. As long as they have him, they have control - because here you are, still upset, still wondering what you can do, right?. I think it's time for him to cut ties too.
Your DH needs to stop taking their calls, or at the very least not letting them berate him when he is on the phone with them. BIL starts? DH says "This is not open for discussion. This is the way it is going to be. You cannot come over without calling. Goodbye." And hang up.
They are being rude. You have made it clear that you are not ok with drop-in visits, and that needs to be respected. I am also curious how the original conversation about boundaries went. Did they ever abide by your terms?
Your DH needs to end the conversation immediately when his siblings interfere and tell them in no uncertain terms he will NOT tolerated any disrespect to his wife and he will not be listening to them regarding his relationship with the parents. Each and every time they bring it up he tells them it is not open to discussion, bye. He hangs up. The text he deletes or has the same response telling them to mind their own business, don't fall for they are my parents so it is my business. They might have to be blocked.
Your lucky it sounds like you picked a good guy and he is standing up to his parents. Doing what is best for your family isn't anything to ever feel bad about and his folks are living with the consequences of their behavior.
If I don't want to be around someone then that is a good enough reason I wouldn't want my children to be around them either.