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Old Friendships
I have 3 close friends that I am not longer friends with. I do not wish to be friends with them again, but I feel like we left things on a bad note. Is there anything I can do to clear the air and be friendly acquaintances or is it better to continue to not speak to each other?
First friend was HS friend. She constantly changed plans on me, and had a weird issue with people's appearances, not quit but almost calling me ugly. We had a 20 year friendship before it fizzled I think because she didn't like my H, and just growing pains becoming adults.
Other issue with 2 friends from college who claimed that I insinuated/ talked behind one of their backs. I apologized and cleared the air, but 1 friend started telling everyone I was crazy, so I definitely won't connect with her. But the other friend I had to just stop talking to because she still lived with crazy friend.
What do you think and how would you approach it?
Re: Old Friendships
Honestly, is it really that important to you that you even have contact with them at this point? Even if it was on an 'aquaintance' level? Think about it - what value would this add to your life?
I have a few friends that I outgrew over the years, and a few of them tried to reconnect with me on facebook - which I was reluctant to accept initially, but in the end did. Ultimately, I have no real desire to be friends with them again because of all the drama that they bring with them. So yea, I don't really speak to them at all, but they don't really reach out to me either. Eventually when I get around to cleaning house on my facebook, I will probably just delete them as I don't see much point in being virtual friends with them. It happens.
You're not going to clear the air. Be realistic. All you're going to end up doing is bringing up the issues and fights will probably ensue.
People always talk about "closure" - but reality is that closure RARELY happens, or at least in the way the people wanting it envision it's going to happen.
In time, as you all get further from these issues, you may run into them and just by the natural course of events, you may find that you can be "friendly acquaintances".
But calling them up and saying "Hey- we aren't friends but I want to explain my side (again)" isn't going to result in them responding w/ "Oh- totes cool! Yay -totally understand. Can't wait to run into you on the street!".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I didn't really want to get into another fight or explain my side again. I was thinking more that they were in pain and I was in pain, and bringing healing. But the problem with bringing healing is that it is an art which has to be done extremely well otherwise like you said it just causes more pain. I don't live near them, so I will never run into them. I just don't want regrets in my life.
So I didn't know if anyone was successful in doing this. I guess I am thinking there is no way to do this without it turning into an argument. Its rare that one can apologize and have an apology back without anything else. I'm just curious what they would have to say about their life.
ETA: Also in the second scenario, I apologized to both of them and they did not accept my apology and in the first scenario I don't have anything to apologize for.
I guess I'm just curious on how to create good vibes/ positive karma, since I always try to live my life in the positive. Maybe simply sending them good thoughts and prayers is the way- with or without actually talking to them.
ETA (2nd time)- I did have closure with one friend because her mom told me she was upset, so I apologized and all was fine. I think it helped her too. But she was/ is a very nice person.
It is important to me that my relationships be positive- not that I need to talk to them. I would like to say something like how are you, and catch up and well wishes. That's about it. I think that would make us both feel better. But maybe not.
Maybe a FB message that says, I'm sorry we left things on bad terms. I hope you are doing well. What has been going on in your life? ... Best wishes.
Get yourself some new friends --- these people are not dependable nor are they friend material.
just cut them off completely.
Saying you want things to be positive is really the same thing as saying you want closure. Again, chances are that won't happen
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm actually thinking that OP needs to get over herself because all I'm seeing in her post is me me me. OP, just an FYI, I want my relationships with people to be positive too, and I'm pretty sure many of the other ladies feel the same about their relationships. But I'm also a realist and some friendships simply are not worth salvaging, even on an acquaintance level. Having negative toxic people around is not conducive to having a 'positive life'. Seems to me that the closure you are seeking is more to stroke your ego that it was not you who was the problem with these friends. And I agree with PP's - you might not get that closure.
Your best bet is to move on and just find new friends.
Thank you ladies. As always I think you have the best advice. You are right my post is about me me me because I am trying to figure out how I can contribute in this world in a positive way. Maybe that should be in service to others/ volunteer work instead of trying to make my past seem bright and shiny, you know?
I had thought that in contacting these people that maybe they have changed, but from looking over their online profiles etc. It seems that maybe they haven't. The first person has a lot about wanting to punch people and hating her job, so if I go in saying my job is awesome that could definitely be a problem for her. I think she has never worked in a professional setting.
The other person is a gossip, and I don't want to bring in the 3rd person which the gossip has a 99% chance of doing.
I know the first person was in pain as I heard it from friends, but I am sure she is over it now. In reality these weren't great friends, so I need to find a way to pay respect to the good times, but move on. I've become much better at navigating difficult friendships/ break-ups, and I just wish I would have had that maturity back then, but those break-ups were what gave me the maturity now.