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multigenerational living and advice
MIL has two sons. BIL who is military and moves a lot and DH. MIL was struggling single mom with no help and had a hard time making ends meet when DH was growing up. When DH was in HS and had a job, MIL had to borrow money from him for bills. In the last 5 years MIL finished college and finally started her career but she is now in her 50's. In the fast few months she got the first "real" apartment she's had since I've been with DH. Before that she would always just rent a room in someone's house.
MIL has nothing put away for retirement. She hasn't had the ability to save anything in the past. Now that she has the money she is saving some but it wont be enough for retirement. MIL likes coming up with plans but doesn't do so well with thinking through logistics to make them a reality. MIL wants to buy a house but she hasn't thought through the details of that. MIL is in good health now but she smokes (outside). She may be able to afford to buy a home with a mortgage now but unless she works until at least her 80's she wont be able to keep the house if she needs to stop working before then.
MIL and I get along great and I consider her a friend. I enjoy spending time with her but there is no way I could live with her in our current house. When DH and I were married less than a year I was pregnant with DS2. I was also having SKs here full time for the summer near my EDD. MIL lived with us for a few months when she was in between leases. She moved in to "help" but it drove me insane. I love cooking and have mostly vintage dishes in my kitchen. I have a specific way of doing things and I get very annoyed when things get moved, washed incorrectly, or with things like the table not being set the right way (my way). I would happily live with MIL i a home where she had her own kitchen and living area to arrange but I'm not ok having to share those.
I really think MIL and DH need to start talking about MIL's retirement plans. I worry that if it doesn't get talked about that MIL will need to live with us but we wont be in a house that will comfortably work. I don't want a situation like that sprung on me.
IMO the decision on if MIL will need to live with us needs to be made now. If she going to need to live with us then I think we should start looking into a house that will work for us. Instead of MIL buying her own home I think we need to buy one and she can help pay the mortgage when she is still working. If MIL wants to make other retirement plans that's fine too but there needs to be the understanding that she can't change her mind later and that she will be on her own.
I've talked about this with DH but he seems to have a hard with it. He can't seems to grasp that his mom will eventually be old, not as independent, and doesn't have this worked out now. DH is very close with his mom and I don't think he can process that anything nearing end of life decisions will ever need to be made for her because that implies that there will be a time when she will reach the end of her life.
I know that I'm a much bigger planner than DH and MIL are but I think in this case they need to start planning. Thoughts on this? Should I just not worry about it and let MIL figure this out for herself but not let her move in? Should I push for this discussion? I will not let MIL live with me in our current house. If anyone ever insisted that she move in here I would insist that I move out.
Re: multigenerational living and advice
I'm a control freak. I admit that. I'm worried that without planning that I may be pressured into a living situation that I'm not comfortable with. When MIL moved in before it was on short notice. DH and MIL talked and thought of all the ways it was a good idea before DH asked me. I wasn't thrilled with the idea but I couldn't think of a good reason to say no so I felt like I had to go along with it. Those few months were not fun and I don't want that living situation again. What I see happening is MIL not making plans until she needs to and then the only realistic option being to move in with us on short notice again. I don't want that to happen.
That is kind of the point I'm making, you can't plan every detail out. It's even harder trying to do it for someone else.
It sounds to me that you don't ever want to live with her. I would divorce my H of he even asked, so I'm not judging you at all. However, you need to tell your H this and have a heart to heart with him and take the idea off the table.
::shrugs::
My MIL is sorta in the same position ( except she has no degree). She has worked at walmart for 15 years and I think she kinda expected her children to pay for her retirement. Well let me just say that isn't going to happen. We have offered to pay for financial counseling, a Dave Ramsey Financial peace class but there is no way we are subsidizing her retirement. That would mean sacrificing our own retirement and we would then have to be dependent on our own children. Nope, the cycle ends here. I also don't see her living with us either.
Besides, my parents and his dad haven't saved for retirement either. So it wouldn't be fair to help out one parent and not the others. Retirement is a luxury some people simply won't have and yes some do have to work into their 80's. My dad is turning 60 this year and is going to graduate from nursing school this month. He always knew that retirement probably wasn't going to be an option for him, so he did what he could to give himself as many options as possible. In addition, owning a home is another luxury some don't have. Some people ( like your MIL and my MIL) will have to rent for the rest of their lives. That is ok. There is nothing wrong with paying for shelter and a roof over your head.
Let your MIL figure it out FOR HERSELF!!!!
Is your MIL and H of another culture? Sounds like that is what the problem is --- people of another culture tend count on the kids to pay their way, make their decisions and all that other bullshit.
DO NOT let her move in. It did NOT work the first time and it is not a good idea to have other people live with you.
Stand your ground on this; if your H is against you saying no, too bad; you and he need to stand together on this and tell your MIL No, you cannot move in and Figure it out for yourself, in that order.
She wants a home and she was always terrible with money --- borrow it from who, her high school son???
Haha....I don't see the house coming to fruition, ever. Stay out of that mess; that badboy will only mushroom into a problem
I would have your husband bring up the subject when the two of them are alone. He should suggest that she talk to a financial planner to help her formulate solid plans for her future. He should even offer to go with her if he thinks she may not follow through. The financial planner should help her look realistically at her ability to buy a house and save for retirement.
I agree that you are making an issue right now where there really isn't one yet. The woman is only 50. Suggest to your husband that he suggest a financial planner and then stay out of it.
That said, I love the idea of multigenerational homes, and think that a MIL suite is a great idea (her having her own living room, bedroom and kitchen)
I also don't think there is anything terrible about taking care of our parents when they get older. I feel that leaving them to fend for themselves, struggle on their own or punting them off to a nursing home is quite cold.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk