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Husband wants time away from my son and I
Hi,
My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately mostly over small stuff. I really think that he is tired and grumpy because he has been working a lot of extra hours to provide for our family. I am a stay at home mom. We don't really have anybody dependable to watch our son. He is 19 months old. I mentioned to my husband that maybe he needs a vacation because he has mentioned that he just wants some time to himself. He told me today that he wants us to leave and he stay at home so he can do what please without feeling like he needs to answer to anybody or take care of anybody, etc. The issue is really deeper than that, but it is the just of it. I would like to give him that, so I am wondering where we should go. I don't really have family to stay with because of lack of room. I was thinking of going somewhere just my son and I. Do you have any suggestions or ideas? Something that isn't too expensive. I feel like if I give him the space he needs, then we will be okay again. I honestly think he may be going through a midlife crisis and he is just tired of the way his life has gone because it isn't how he pictured. He has mentioned that before. The arguing is getting so bad now, that he is calling me names. I want to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. So if he needs the space, then I will give it to him. Thanks for the advice.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Re: Husband wants time away from my son and I
He told me today that he wants us to leave and he stay at home so he can do what please without feeling like he needs to answer to anybody or take care of anybody, etc. The issue is really deeper than that, but it is the just of it.
Really?
A happily married man wants to just come and go and more or less live a life like a single guy???
Hold the presses on this one --- do NOt say yes to this.
It very well could be he is having an affair and he is very politely asking for you to leave the picture.
And for the fact he is calling you names, this is already bad news. Either he is immature, has no way of communicating like an adult and calmly discussing things with you who is is partner, he's in dire need of anger management or this is abuse...yep, calling names and doing it on a more or less continual basis is verbal abuse.
It sounds to me like your marriage is over.
What you need to do:
Tell him you and the kiddo will NOT be vacating the premises and that he will not be getting "time off" from the marriage.
Tell him that you want him to start seeing a counselor with you as a couple--- and that you also want counseling as a couple and and separately --- to fix what is wrong with the marriage and the suggestion is NOT negotiable. That means he goes willingly and with no reservation to fix what is wrong with the marriage.
Talk to him. Do as I suggested. And if he says no, thats another story. You will have to decide where to go from here; put yourself and the child first. GL.
Are you kidding?!?
Your H is acting like a toddler. If he needs space and time alone then he needs to leave. Who the F asks his wife and CHILD to leave?!?
Sounds to me like he has read some laws for your State: and or area and needs you to vacate so he retains the house. Flip his needs on him and get him to leave.
This isn't normal, the fact that you are willing to bend over and give him this isn't normal.
Who is the parents with the child most of the time?
I once read a quote that said something like "a person should never dread coming home to his/her family." Something is seriously messed up and you need to stop making excuses. It's not a midlife crisis... It's him not giving a crap about you anymore. Seriously, who the hell tells their wife and child to get out? That's not a man. That's a piece of garbage. Do not leave the house. Demand he leave instead if he wants to "get away."
I don't know about the rest of you, but my husband can't wait to come home and spend time with me..... I can't imagine being with so one who asked me to leave so he could "do what he wants."
This exactly.
And I very strongly recommend counseling: for you.
Your post makes me sad --- it's like you are looking to pay any price at all to get this jerk of a husband back to the way he was!
You have a self esteem problem -- get counseling and nip that in the bud.
I don't know what happened here; maybe it was even the loss of a child that started the stress and strain in your marriage; I do not have kids, nor have I ever lost a child but any type of loss is horrific. Maybe you and he never got closure, may be there is a great deal of guilt involved; I don;t know --- but something sure was at the core of what caused all your problems.
That he wants "out" but is letting you think that your marriage still is intact shows me that this guy's already emotionally checked out of the marriage. If he refuses to go or goes and does not do as the counselor says, then give thought to saying goodbye to this guy.
Don't leave the house. DO NOT leave your home with your child to let your awful H play college kid or whatever it is he's hoping to get out of this worrisome request. I agree that there could be more behind it, he could be preparing to pull an even bigger d!ck move on the two of you, don't be na?ve. No happy husband dreams of coming home to an empty house void of his love and CHILD. It would have been different if he asked that the two of you spent a romantic week end somewhere as soon as it was feasible. He needs out of the marriage? HE leaves.
I can see that everyone else has very strong feelings about what you posted, but I'm going to go ahead and play devil's advocate here. It all depends on the details, of course, but your situation may not be as bad as everyone says.
my DH and I have a one-year-old. Until recently, I worked part time. DH works full time, plus some extra freelancing, and makes about 2/3 of our income. Recently I was laid off from my job, and DH is feeling pressure to bring in extra money because of that. He told me recently that he feels like he's going through a bit of a "mid-life crisis." He works all day, then he comes home and works some more, and even on weekends he and I can't exactly go crazy and/or relax because we have a baby to take care of. Don't get me wrong; DH is a devoted father and he seems to enjoy his son very much, but these sorts of things wear on a person. Everyone needs their downtime.
At the start of the summer, I decided that my son and I should take an overnight trip to visit my grandmother. I didn't ask my husband to come because I knew he would have to work. WHen I asked him if he would mind the two of us being gone overnight, he said no, not at all, and in fact he would enjoy the time to himself. He went on to say that if sometime over the summer I wanted to take my son to my parents' house and stay overnight with him there, he would like that, too--and he would do the same for me and take our son to his parents' house, if I liked. I said that would be awesome. Look, I love my family, but getting the house to myself sounds pretty sweet these days. Call me a negligent mother, but the idea of just being in the house by myself, with the freedom to watch TV, take a nap, do whatever--it sounds like heaven.
ANyway, my trip was this past weekend. While we were gone, my husband was able to do things around the house, work on his current freelance job, and just relax and watch stupid movies. And I think that's great. He works hard, he deserves a little time to himself. And when we got back, he seemed very happy to see us, and we all spent a great evening together as a family--as we do most nights.
So I guess the point of all of this is, I don't think your husband is a terrible guy for wanting some alone time in his own home. Call me naive, but I wouldn't automatically assume that he's planning on cheating or stealing your house. It might just be that he wants some peace and quiet, which he hasn't had in a long time. Even married parents need time to themselves every once in a while.
Now, it is a little troubling that he's calling you names while you're fighting. My husband and I are both stressed out, but we don't do that to each other. Also, how much time is your husband asking for? One night, to me, seems reasonable. Two nights, maybe. More than that, and I think he's being unfair--especially since you don't really have anywhere to go.
My suggestion is this: if it's safe and doable for you to bring your son somewhere for one night, maaaybe two, I would give it a try. It might be a fun change of pace for you, and a much-needed break for your H. If it is not safe/doable and you truly have nowhere to go, tell our H he is welcome to go somewhere on his own for a night, no big deal. If he's asking for multiple days or a week, AND/OR if he's being insulting or demanding about it, then you might have more of a problem on your hands. Bottom line: give him what he wants if what he wants is truly reasonable. If not, counseling may be in order.
How old are you/dh? Why don't you get a job to help him out?
daycare watches kids.
Do you REALLY think going away for a few days will fix this? REALLY?!?!
First, the people talking about "happily married men don't do this". Well no $hit! But it's clear this is NOT a happy man. So of course this isn't normal.
OP.... I don't know what to tell you. To a point, if you think a little time alone will give him some time to sort himself out, then maybe give it a shot (but how long is he talking? 2 days or a week??)
However, your overall post reads really naive to me. I think his issues go a lot deeper than "oh, a few days alone will fix everything".
He sounds checked out, he sounds depressed. I think he may genuniely need time to think - and I think YOU may need that too.
But... a midlife crisis is NOT fixed by a few days alone. ANd not when your fighting now includes name calling AND he wants nothing to do w/ your son.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the advice and maybe I am naive, but I feel like I am a fighter for our marriage. We actually are in counseling. I am also in personal counseling and my husband is getting ready to go into counseling too. Our lives together have had several ups and downs, mostly downs. We suffered two miscarriages, one recently in December. I have been depressed and currently seeking help. I really haven't had a chance to just grieve and I know my husband hasn't either. We never pictured our lives being like this and we don't really know how to deal with it on our own, so we got some help.
My husband is feeling like he lost his family because of us. He doesn't see his family like we see my family. He has said that we are needy and that because we are always together and with them that we don't have the time to go see his family. That is problem #1. I try to make time, but most of the time I do, it isn't convenient for them. It is simply this, they don't like me and don't really want me around. They have made this clear with their actions and words.
Problem #2 is that my husband says that I have betrayed him by talking with my family and saying things that bother me about whatever, like his family treating me the way they do, things in general that bother me. I guess I am not allowed to talk with my family. I talk to my mom. There was some stuff that bothered me a few years ago and I talked with my parents and my husband found out and was furious with me. He is still talking about it. He says it is unforgivable offense. I am not even sure why he is so hung up on this. There has been plenty of things that I have had some issues with about him, but I love my husband and I have always tried to keep things well with us.
Problem #3 is that we have this complex. It is a circle where we are always trying to please eachother and in the end neither one of us get what we want and then we are just frustrated and angry. This is one of our biggest issues. We have talked about how we just do the give and take, but for some reason it has been very difficult to get over that hump or I should say the mountain. It has been a rough issue for us.
I am not trying to make excuses for him, but I just feel like he is trying to cry out to me that he needs time to think and get himself together and compose himself. He feels like he is the energizer bunny and he is not dealing with it well. He works a lot. I am sure he isn't cheating or wants to get out of the marriage. He is just asking for some time alone. However, I do agree he should be the one to leave after reading your posts. Why uplift my son and myself away from our home and the routine that my son knows and has everyday. Not going to happen. My husband and I talked last night and he clarified what he meant. He said not for a few days away, just for an evening or two. Just go do something, like go get some ice cream, or whatever and then come home. He just needs a day or two every once in awhile to just time to himself. I am glad that he clarified because it certainly sounded different than that to me. I can definitely understand that and I thought to myself when do I get a break, but I love spending time with my son and when he is napping I get time to myself. My husband doesn't because he is working.
I just want to say the reason why I am a stay at home mom is because our son has special needs and has therapy sessions every week to help him with his motor skills. It isn't because I am lazy. I work harder now than I have ever worked. It would be most difficult to work because I would have a hard time to get several hours off a week to tend to my son and his therapy sessions. Also we have to take him to Riley Children's Hospital to his brain surgeon and ophthalmologist for routine check ups. He has porencephaly and hydrocephlus and has a VP shunt to treat the hydrocephalus. Also if I worked when my husband is home, then we would never see eachother, then where would be. We wouldn't have a marriage at all. At least now we are able to have meals together and spend time together with our son.
We have had many stuggles that have been very overwhelming and tiresome and they have piled up over the years and we both haven't had the time to just grieve and deal with them properly. So right now we are in a rut and are not able to communicate as well as we should. Maybe we never have been able to and all of these twists and turns in our journey together has thrown a wrench in our relationship. Thanks for reading and for all of the advice. (Sorry for the long post)
Thank you for your positive words. It is very uplifting and that is what I needed. Thank you.
I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been through, and I'm glad you're in counselling.
As long as you also get to take a break from your responsibilities, I think it's okay to give your DH a couple of days off, if you're truly okay with it. But then he needs to give you the same. I'm a SAHM too and I know how much work it is. You could probably use the time away just as much!!
i don't think it's fair for your DH to blame you for talking to your family. I mean sure, some topics should be private, like your sex life or something, but I think you should still be allowed to talk about what's going on in your life.
It also troubles me that your DH is so concerned about his family. You and your son are his main family now, and you should be his main concern. That's not "needy", and it's cruel for him to say that to you.
I hope you work everything out, and I really hope you take some time for yourself too. Good luck with everything,
Thank you. You know we haven't had a date night together without our son since before he was born. That has been two years ago. We were thinking about that and it really needs to be something we need to do. I agree I need some time for myself too. I guess we just need to plan these things out and make them happen. I know if we do this then we will be happy as a couple, happy as a family, and have a happy home. Thank you for the advice.
I'm so sorry for your losses. That sounds like such an emotional heartbreak. I also know that it is so much harder to be in an equal relationship with depression. It is great that you both recognized that you needed help and sought it out.
Your husband needs to realize that you do NOT need to put up with mistreatment by his family and the role that they play in you both not seeing them. As pp said, your family-you,him, and your son-comes first. Of course you are generally together if you have son and are married, especially if that son has special needs! This is actually a husband problem because neither of you can change his family and he needs to have realistic expectations and be on YOUR side when it comes to how to they treat you.
So you are generally not supposed to bring outside people into your relationship unless it's serious-which it sounds like it was! This is actually kind of worrisome. People who are overly secretive generally do not want other people knowing how they really act. Do you know why he was so offended? Was the information really personal, or did he just not like you talking to your mom? Because if it's the latter, it is a HUGE red flag.
If the red flag applies, he also may not like how much you see your family because he is trying to undermine your support system. I am going to assume this is not true for the rest of this post, but PLEASE keep it in mind- it is so important that you recognize this if it is true.
Having a son with special needs isn't easy and is stressful for both parents, although I am sure he is worth it. I wish you the best.
EDIT: Also, calling people names is not normal. It could be anger management issues or not knowing how to communicate, but either way it is a huge red flag and could again be a sign of deeper things. Please be safe and remember you do not deserve this.
I would also not think you were lazy if you were a SAHM with a child without such serious issues.
Just to go on what others are saying. There are several red flags here for someone with an abusive personality such as name calling and isolating one from supporting friends and family.
Now, I am not necessarily saying you are in and abusive relationship, but it is something to think about. Please look at this link for other possible signs.
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/signs-to-look-for-in-an-abusive-personality/
FWIW, I too have lost a child. Our first child passed away when she was 4 months old, so I definitely know how it changes you forever. I think it is great that you are both going to counseling. We went to grief counseling and I think it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made. I also remember those days when I felt so low that I just wanted to run away. Not seriously of course, I love my husband very much and he is a wonderful man, but yeah I would be lying if the thought of just escaping for a few days didn't cross my mind. However, I know it wouldn't have helped much. If anything it would have added to my depression. The best thing for me was to simply stay in counseling and give it time.
Thank you. The things I said was semi personal. Something that I was going through too and I was seeking some support from my mom. My dad heard it and he blabbed his mouth. My sister had a similar situation and sought me for some advice. So my dad and sis blabbed their mouth and I was worried it would get back to him. Initially I didn't think it was a big deal to seek advice from my mom, but my husband made a comment one day that he hopes that nobody knows about the situation and if they did that it would really upset him. So I freaked and told him that I had already sought out advice and his anger started then. My husband didn't like it and I see his point now, but at the time I was blind by it. It happened years ago and I am truely regretful for it. It bothers him so much that he just can't let it go. He brings it up everytime we argue regardless if it has something to do with the argument or not. He is a very private person and I didn't really learn how private until just recently the last couple of years. I don't know why it took me so long to realize it. I guess he is just so private and never really talk to me about things that bother him so much until recently. I don't really think that I am that clueless and untuned in. I feel deceived by his emotions and not even sure how he is really feeling at all times. I feel like I am walking on egg shells about what I say and what I do because I am afraid that smallest thing will tick him off. He believes that everybody is the enemy including myself and we betray him. He even said that he knows that our son will betray him one day. I feel like he isn't even giving him a chance and it is unfair. To be honest, I feel like he is having pity party for himself. He has hurt me too, but I forgave him. He says the things I am talking about isn't the same. I don't know who he thinks he is, but maybe the issues that bothered me about him bothered me just as much. Who's to say they didn't. He is all of the time saying that we are not on the same page, which I agree, but I want to work on it. I am willing to do what I can to be better and I hope he can do the same. He says it isn't that simple. So I think that I am just going to give him some time and just do my best to work on things until he is ready. I am a patient person and do what I can. We are getting somewhere with counseling and that is a huge step.
The mistreatment from his side of the family makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am not over it even if they are being a little nicer to me now. His sister threatened my life right after I delivered my son. I had postpartum depression on top of it. His mom said some awful things too. His mom has a problem with her son having somebody and now we have a child to tie us together even more. I see it even more clearer now because now her youngest son that is nearly 27 has a girlfriend and he moved out. Now she is treating the girlfriend like crap and starting arguments with her youngest son just like she does with my husband. She has a complex. She thought of them as her husband requiring them to help her in every way she could have them help her. I really don't think that she likes females. She is all of the time saying that her daughter is the bad one and every female she comes encountered with, she feels threatened. My husband feels the same way how I feel and he has stuck up for me, yet he blames me for not wanting or going around them. I just plain feel uncomfortable and I don't want my son to be subjected to that type of behavior. It is a complicated mess! It is exhausting! Thanks for the advice.
Ok so let me get this straight. His sister threatened your life soon after you delivered your special needs son and his mother has said awful things to you and he still wants you to play happy family with them. No absolutely no. If someone did that to me they would be dead to me and my husband as well. He wouldn't tolerate that for one single second.
I'm sorry but I am even more convinced that your husband is abusive. He is untouchable when it come to arguments, but he can hold a multi year grudge against your for talking to your mom about his atrocious family ? I'm sorry but that is another red flag of someone with an abusive personality.
I know this will sound cruel, and I truly don't intend for it to be, but if he did leave you and your son, it sounds like it could be for the better. I couldn't imagine being married to someone like that.
Whatever you do, do not leave your home and start socking away small amounts of money in case you do separate.
Yeah I know that is what I was thinking and I was starting to think that maybe I am being ridiculous for holding a little bit of a grudge. I do want to say that he did stick up for me and I should have given him credit for that in the last post, but it didn't really resolve anything and I am pretty sure he still holds me responsible for their feelings. I kind of struck back at them by not being very cordial towards them. I felt threaten and somewhat still do. He has said that I am a trouble maker and maybe I am by striking back.
We got into today and he told me that to him it wouldn't make a difference to him either way if we stayed together or not. It hurt my feelings. Then he came back later and kind of apologized and said it would bother him not to be together. I don't what to do. I am thinking that I just need to let him rant and rave about his dislikes and complaints and just listen. Maybe that is what he needs. Just for me to listen and no comment back. I will tell you this he has such a dislike for my family especially for my dad and my older sister. I have been doing some thinking about not going to a family get together if it includes my husband for awhile. I will just take my son and myself and not even ask him. If he decides he wants to go then he can go, but I will not be held responsible for making him go. He will have to go on his own accord. And if he ever says well we had to go see your family, then I will say you didn't have to go. You chose to go. I think that he is jealous because my family accepted him and wants to be around him and his family hasn't accepted me and doesn't want to be around me. You would think it would be the other way around. I know you were worried about it sounding cruel, but you might be right. I really do think that we can get pass this issue, but it will take a really long time because he is one for holding grudges. I am just going to pray about it and pray that God will give me the wisdom to know what to say and do and the strength to get through it. Thank your for your support and advice.
We got into today and he told me that to him it wouldn't make a difference to him either way if we stayed together or not. It hurt my feelings. Then he came back later and kind of apologized and said it would bother him not to be together. I don't what to do.
How awful for you. You don't know if he said this out of pique or if he means it.
I vote "he means it."
This is more than hurting your feelings. You should be livid that he even said it at all.
Please stop, just stop. I am infuriated at and pity you at the same time. Step back for a minute and read what you just wrote and tell me how you are not in an abusive relationship.
1. His sister threatens your life after you had a child with severe birth defects and when you don't want to be around them, he says you are a trouble maker ?
2. His mother says awful things to you and yet you are a trouble maker.
3. He says he wouldn't care one bit if you and your son were gone
4. He later changes his mind and says it would simply bother him.
5. He holds the fact that your sought support on how to deal with his horrible family over your head FOR YEARS. I'm not talking one or two times, FOR YEARS. In fact, it sounds like he brings it up every time you fight.
6. He calls you names
Listen, your husband is a bad man. Down to his core being. This won't get better with counseling, it won't get better with a few evenings to himself, it won't get better with a few date nights, it won't get better if you stand there and listen to him berate you. It isn't going to get better. You need to stop burying your head in the sand and realize your husband is a bad, bad man. This is exactly what bad men do. I promise you he will not change. He will be like this for the rest of his life.
I understand you have a lot of soul searching to do and a lot to think about. I too am a Christian and I pray you find the courage to give you and your child a better life than the one you are living now. I pray that you will put all of your faith, trust, and hope in God and not in your husband. I pray that you realize that God is the one that will provide and take care of both of you, not your husband. I promise, you will be ok. Even if you left your husband, you will be ok. I understand that is hard to believe especially when you feel like you are surrounded by darkness and all hope is gone. I too felt that way after my daughter passed away. But I am here to tell you that life will go on. God will be there for you to lean on. Even when you don't feel like it, he is there.
I don't advocate for divorce. In some way, I am still bright-eyed and naive.
But what I did do is have a very serious boyfriend who was emotionally abusive. They don' t teach you about this stuff. Hollywood just shows showy physical beating without subtlety, not the long, gradual, horror that is emotional abuse, or the real scars that appear afterward.
Your husband not letting something years old go in itself is troubling-how can a relationship grow that way?
Abusive people tend to be good for a while and then suddenly come out with all of these things that are wrong with you and your relationship that seemingly come from nowhere. You try to please them, shocked, and it's good-until, again, out of nowhere it isn't.
Walking On Eggshells is THE classic sign of an abuser. It's horrible and not normal. It makes life all about them and none about you. So horrible.
Abusers are all about a black-white view of things. Pity parties, talks about betrayal-again classic signs.
You will compromise and compromise to be reasonable until nothing of you is left.
He will make you feel crazy. He will be arbitrarily illogical.
Chances are he will also 'forget' things and such.
Remember, most abusers learn it from their upbringing.
Time nor counseling makes abusers better-it makes them generally worse and worse.
Keep yourself safe, and remember that God loves you.
I think a lot is being assumed here, and that some more detailed information would help.
You say that he is upset that you shared marital issues with your family - he's right in that you shouldn't do this. Most posters here would generally agree. What did you share though? The content of what you shared would shed some light on whether or not he is overreacting. And then you wonder why he is uncomfortable around your family? That seems very understandable to me, depending on what it is that you shared.
His sister threatened your life after you gave birth. what was the context of this? Did she blame you for your child having special needs? What did she actually say / do? That just seems to be a really strange thing to say/do completely unprovoked.
Your husband wanting some space - I'm confused, he wants you to leave for a couple of weeks / forever or to go out for ice cream and leave him at home for a couple of hours? On one hand he sounds like a guy that doesn't want to be married to you or have a child but on the other he sounds like a guy that works a lot and comes home to a battle-zone with no time to himself at all. Are you very independent apart from him? Do you fight so often that he would dread coming home to another fight, another nagging about something, a screaming child being thrust at him and a fight ensuing? I think it's fair and pretty normal for everyone to want some time to themselves, to decompress a bit, to just do their own thing. Reading between the lines here it sounds as though he walks in and you fight, you tell him what needs to be done, you are always, always there. And I could see where that might be a problem (albeit a small one) that you could control and change on your end before heading off to the divorce attorney.
I like to try to look at both sides of an issue and in this, to me, you have either truly married into the ultimate Jerry Springer family or you are showing the story only in the way that makes you look like a blameless angel here, married to an abusive monster.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Here's the thing-abusers make you nag. They 'forget', they don't hear, they set you up and then blame you.
They also drain your independence, sometime while encouraging you to be independent in words with opposing actions, and then call you clingy.
No healthy relationship involves walking on eggshells. There is a difference between 'my husband is a bit upset today, so I'll be respectful' and eggshells.
I know I am very late to this.
Sorry for your recent losses.
Bu,t having another child when your husband is having a very hard time with being a husband, and a father, does not seem to be very wise.
Good luck to you.