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Irrationally angry and need someone to talk me down lol
This is ridiculously long. I apologize.
Back story: When I met DH, he had never smoked a day in his life and even received an award for being part of our university's Student Coalition for a Smoke-Free Campus. One of the first conversations we had was about how smoking turns both of us off and that neither of us would ever marry a smoker. This fact remained true until about a year and a half ago where he started occasionally smoking cigars.
Every time he smokes, I become IRATE. He knows how I feel about this. Smoking for me has always been a deal-breaker for me and he knows this. Not to mention the fact that he is asthmatic, overweight and heart disease runs in his family. I've brought all of this up to him more than once. In fact, every time he smokes.
He doesn't smoke unless someone brings it up (at least to my knowledge). However, I just found out that he has cigars in the house that he didnt tell me about. I don't know where they are, but overheard him talking to a friend about it.
The irrational part: I had a dream last night that he was smoking cigars with my dad and I woke up livid. Now, it is 6:48am and I can't fall back asleep. My heart is racing and I'm obsessing about finding the cigars and throwing them out.
I just feel like him continuing this habit (no matter how infrequent) and knowing how I feel about it is a blatant disregard for my feelings. Like, he knows I hate it and does it anyway. I don't know what to do. Now that I'm pregnant with our first child, this upsets me ten times as much. If this behavior continues, especially after while I'm pregnant and after our LO is born, it is going to cause a major rift between us.
ETA: I may DD this late tonight/early Monday.
Re: Irrationally angry and need someone to talk me down lol
DH quit smoking for me when we got together. It lasted three years. Started back up. I was angry. Got over it eventually. He quit when I got pregnant. I hadn't asked him to do that. He started back up when J was three months old. It didn't and doesn't bother me. I have other battles to fight and I don't choose this one to become irate over anymore.
Occassionaly smoking cigars is NBD. I think you need to step back and really look at this situation and think about it. It's not an every day situation. It's not a cigarette. I feel you may need to relax and wait for the bigger fish to fry. It sounds like a social thing. We all know you're pregnant with your first child.
B Born 6.27.13
This would be a really big deal to me. If my husband started smoking anything, it would be a huge change in who he is- and it sounds like that is similar to your husband. My DH and I are both mild health nuts, so if he were to start smoking I would truly worry about him. I really don't have any advice for you but I understand where you are coming from and I don't blame you for reacting the way you have. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm not usuall ones to make mountains out of molehills, but this would make me very angry, as well. If it's something he felt strongly about in the past and he knows how much it upsets you (which he should if you've communicated this to him), he shouldn't be smoking, period.
Aside from the fact that it's unhealthy, it upsets you and he should respect that. To me, this is akin to my husband bringing a gun into our house. He knows it's a deal-breaker, so he wouldn't do it. In the same way, if there was something he felt strongly against, I wouldn't do it.
To me, this is more about respect than anything else.
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I think you're being slightly irrational, but I can understand being upset over the hidden cigars. I think guys need an outlet, whether it's having a cigar, a beer or a crazy hobby like my H does. I wouldn't pick a fight, but I would set some ground rules. No smoking around you or the baby and no hiding cigars.
Banning him from them could lead to more problems than it's worth.
I agree with many of the PPs.
Personally, I don't think it is a big deal at all. In fact if I weren't PG and wanted a cigar or cigarette I would have one. It wouldn't bother me in the least if DH did either.
But it doesn't really matter what I think.
You were clear with your DH from the start of your relationship that this was something that really bothers you. There are things that would really bother me, that don't bother other people. For example, I have dealt with a lot of addiction in my family.
If DH ever smoked weed (legal in our state) I would be very very very upset. I am not sure what I would do.
Lots of people think smoking weed is "no big deal" (obviously, because they legalized it here).
But it was something DH and I talked about at length when we were dating and have talked about since.
DH also has things that really bother him, that others would think are NBD.
Part of being married is negotiating those things so that both parties feel heard and respected.
I would wait until you are both relaxed and not feeling emotional (good luck on this - I have gone from a rational non-crying person to an emotional hormonal mess like nothing I ever imagined with this PG). But really try to just talk about it, without accusing. Explain how important it is to you. It is important you both feel heard and respected.
I have a feeling that this is something you can work out so that both of you are comfortable.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
I am also the kind of person who feels that smoking is a deal breaker, but I feel differently about cigars. I despise cigarettes, but DH smokes cigars on occasion and it doesn't bother me at all. I just think it is different because they don't smell so god awful like cigarettes and he doesn't inhale, plus it is on rare and celebratory occasion.
Honestly it doesn't matter what anyone hear thinks though, it sounds like you have to decide if this is a battle you want to pick or not and just communicate with your DH about your feelings.
You seem a little controlling.
Shittt is going to be upside down once you have your baby, it's an adjustment for sure. If a little cigar is what he needs...let it be.
I honestly think you are over-reacting. I would understand if your husband began smoking cigarettes regularly - that would lead me to be rationally angry. But a social cigar does not make someone a smoker. And to relate everything to you bringing a baby into the world is not fair.
To be honest (and stop reading if you don't want to hear something uncomfortable) - you seem to get really angry and project bad feelings on a lot of people in your life. I am not sure if you come here to vent and go about your day happy-go-lucky, but if you have these negative feelings about all of these people and you are letting it affect your daily life, then you probably need to work a little on positive stress release and acceptance of people's faults. Some may be warranted, but you still need to be able to step back and realize that you cannot let it control your life.