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Wealthier sister.... Trying not to be bitter
So my older sister married a man with a fantastic salary and she now has 2 kids, a large house with land, doesn't have to work and has a maid that does everything except cook for her. She and her hubby have always been impulsive, trips, cars, moving every two years etc.... They have also acquired numerous animals that they usually rehome after a few months because they are tired of them or don't want to put in the work needed to train them. Just recently she did it again with a great dog she recused from the SPCA on a whim while staying with me for the weekend. It caused mass chaos at my house and now three weeks later she has rehomed the dog again. I feel really angry at her! I'm trying not to get so bitter about our different lives but its creeping up on me. My husband and I have always struggled with finances, we stayed in college to get graduate degrees and have worked numerous jobs while my sister barely graduated high school and got lucky on the marriage market. Does anyone have some strategies for dealing with bitterness? I'm so angry at her for not having to deal with any consequences in life! I don't want to lose my sister over this but I'm not sure I can hang out with her anymore. I'm tired of seeing how easy her life is but still she is not satisfied!
Re: Wealthier sister.... Trying not to be bitter
Why?
Pets are a lifetime commitment. What do you mean "rehomes them after a few months"??? Bullshit.
I think you need to report this to the shelter or shelters she's adopted the pets from --- I more or less see this as an infringement of animal rights. She should not be permitted to adopt any more pets from anyone anywhere.
You just don't pick out a dog or cat, let them fit your whim for a couple months and then "rehome." Bullshit, like I said.
And if she is buying these pets from a pet shop or backyard breeder, I don't think there is anything you can do. I don't know if consulting your local animal control about it will help, you might try.
Try the ASCP and bounce this off them; they might have some solutions.
Maybe with a little luck the pets she has will be confiscated by the authorities and she will be banned from "adopting" any more pets.
Now for the other problem:
Think of the great time she has at tax time; I can imagine the tax bracket they are in. They are forever paying some sort of tax and no doubt charities keep calling them with their hands out.
I agree with the PP about the animals.
That's plain weird....you don't adopt and keep an animal until you get tired of it or decide you don't want to train it. I can see that happening once or twice, like maybe she got the wrong kind of breed for her family or didn't think it would be all that much work, or the pet's personality was rotten/dangerous and had to be sent away. People can easily make those sorts of mistakes when they adopt animals. But this sounds like a flavor of the month club.
And that's where my sympathy for this situation ends.
She made choices; you made choices. Plain and simple. I don't think you can hold it over her head all that much that her life as resulted in more money coming in to her.
And clearly, also by the animal flavor of the month club - she isn't happy and she is looking for some kind of fulfillment.
You do have a choice again - see her or don't see her. But, if you choose to see her, then you need to accept her life as different (not necessarily better) than yours.
I have worked in the pet industry in the past and let me tell you, this is a horrible truth these days. We had a man who would come into the store with his kids a couple times a year and the first thing they saw and said "omg Daddy look!" to, he would buy it. Right there, shell out the money for the whole kit and caboodle. We never knew if he kept all these critters but it was clearly an attempt to buy his kids love.
I agree that you should inform multiple adoption agencies of her actions. She will be put on a "do not adopt" list. I would prepare a few examples, or even if you can remember what animals she adopted so she should be in their system already from that. Sadly this will not happen if they are from pet stores unless it is a decently run, local shop. Chain stores won't give a crap.
As for her carefree behavior, there isn't much you can do. My brother has become like this because he has a very big job and title. His wife is even worse. They think they are better than everyone. My brother asked my parents to pay for their rehearsal dinner, which my mom gave in and agreed to. My dad had a terrible panic attack because of the cost of the massively classy affair and now is struggling to pay for a needed home repair. My brothers reaction? "Sigh.... I don't really care." I kid you not. That's what he said.
My point is that some people obtain money and remain normal. Others become a$$holes. Your sister is an a$$hole. All you can do is avoid her and definitely report her to the SPCA.
Whatever it is, she should not be permitted to do this anymore.
Call the ASPCA, as I suggested. They'll have advice for you.
You don't know what your sister and BIL's real story is. Maybe there is a lot going on on the inside and they could be credit card happy, spending their way into the poorhouse -- that you said they spend on impulse is not so good. They could be buying this and that left and right ring dringing up a lot of debt, for all you know.
What glitters isn't always gold.
I?m not even going to repeat what has already been said about the animal issue because I agree with everyone else here.
But, I do want to point out though the statement of 'my sister got lucky in the marriage department'. OP, how do you think your H would feel if he heard you say that? Something tells me that would hurt his feelings because I know if I ever made a comment like that - comparing my marriage to someone else's in that way, my H would be very upset and start wondering if I just settled or wasn't happy. Don't do that - it's not fair to your H.
So you guys aren't rolling in the dough like your sister and her H are - you realize that money is not everything, right? I think you need to stop worrying or caring so much about your sister and her family and start worrying more about your own family and your life with your H.
She sounds like she's not going to be able to teach her kids how to survive, which is very bad.
Ditto on the animal issue. Man, that's infuriating.
Honestly, I wouldn't like her not because of her ease, but because these do not sound like the actions of a sane-minded, good person. Would you really want to be her?
You probably have the best thing you can have in life-a self who is responsible, empathetic and can be counted on. Goods don't count as a life well lived or a journey learnt from. Because at the end of the day, we can't buy who we are.
+1
Not only are you jealous of your sister, you are dismissive of all your husband DOES do for you because he doesn't have a large salary...80% of the worlds population.
Other than the pet thing, your Sister has done nothing wrong. Not going to school is not bad. It is not smart to not have a back-up plan - but maybe they DO and you dont know.
Marrying someone who happens to earn a large salary is not evil either. Hell, I happened to marry someone whose earning potential now allows me to stay at home and, if I wanted it (and there are times I do) a maid.
Does that make ME a gold digger or evil woman? Nope, I just lucked out in falling in love with a man who not only works hard, but has the same views that children need a mother at home.
Given YOU have absolutely no idea what is going on within their marriage (hell, the animal rescue thing could be all her husband's fault) YOU are ASSuming too much to really be able to make these jealousy induced judgement calls.
Be happy with what you have.
Everything that went through my head while reading this has been said. I'm just got to strongly "ditto" the idea that you don't know what's going on in their marriage. And even if it's "nothing", so what?
But just because they have $$ doesn't mean all is peachy. My DH used to make a lot of $$. But he was miserable. HATED his job. So he left, changed careers, and now I'm the breadwinner (which isn't saying much....) - and our lifestyle drastically changed. But he is SO much happier now.
I feel like he's living proof that $$ absolutely does not buy happiness. Doesn't mean that sometimes I'm a little jealous of people who are better off than us, but then I also take stock of our lives and I see all the good that's in it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I understand your frustration with the animal situation. That is pretty terrible.
However, the other stuff you will have to let go. My best friend has been on the receiving end of the whole " You didn't go to school as long as I did, therefore you shouldn't be more successful as me" thing and it honestly only makes you look petty. Not everyone who gets a degree will be successful and likewise, not everyone who doesn't go to school is doomed to failure. Sure a degree helps, but is isn't a golden ticket. You have to come to terms with that fact.
You know the whole "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?
I'll give you this - if I were in your position I'm sure that I would feel the same way that you do. And that sucks, and it must be hard at times. You can't live your life comparing yourself to others, though. There will always be people that have more (and less) than you do. There will always be people that seem to have it easier.
You are happily married. You are struggling financially, but so are a lot of people right now and you are certainly not alone in that. You are in a happy marriage with the guy you fell in love with and if you look at things from the outside I'd bet that you could see that in a lot of ways you have it pretty good too.
Now, maybe not new Ferrari good, but still good.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
The grass is always greener.;) Remember that.
I find it sad that you are not happy for her.
I wouldn't want to be your "friend" because if something good came my way, you'd be jealous.
Exactly, especially if God forbid, you didn't go to college. Again, my best friend has been on the receiving end of this. She did have a bachelors degree, but her husband didn't. He got some certificate or training through Microsoft, but even so, he still had a higher salary than my friend with a B.S. Accounting. When they were trying to sell their home and buy a larger, nicer one; they had one friend that just wouldn't shut up about how jealous she was and that she should be the one getting the big, nice house because she was getting her Ph.D in Psychology. She simply couldn't be happy for others that didn't make the same life choices she did. Again, God forbid, someone without a college degree actually have a decent salary and the ability to provide nice things for their family like a big home and vacations.
As you can imagine, they aren't friends with her anymore.
FWIW, I too have a B.S. Accounting and my husband has never been to college. He has made more than I ever had. He started working for a great company when he was 19 and slowly climbed the ladder. I will never regret getting a college degree and I believe all the money and hard work I put towards that degree was absolutely worth it. However, as I have grown older, the reality of getting a college degree isn't as black and white as I was led to believe in high school.
Please, just let this go. It happens.
The animal thing is AWFUL.
But, as far as comparing your situations, why bother? You made choices. She made choices. Sure, she's got money...but if her marriage falls through, she has no education or marketable skills to fall back on. Do you know how SCARY that must be for her?
My brother and I have very, very different lives. My brother makes more money than my husband and I do combined...times two. He lives a lavish lifestyle. In a very nice apartment. In a very nice luxury high rise building. Driving a Mercedes. Only wearing the very nicest of luxury brands. Carrying a Louis Vuitton briefcase to his work.
But the thing is...they're just THINGS. I'm happy that my brother is happy. And that he's successful.
Do I roll my eyes at his lifestyle sometimes? Sure. Do I agree with all of his investing/purchasing decisions?
Not even a little!
Stop focusing on THINGS. Focus on who your sister is as a PERSON. Obviously, she could use some relationship/love/fulfillment if she's churning through multiple dogs a year!
I am in a similar situation, but in my case, my hubs and I are wealthier than the sis-in-law I have issue with.
The problem I have is that my in-laws shell out big bucks to make my B&SIL "equal" to us by paying their rent, some car expenses, dance lessons for my niece, etc.
This then caused them to have extra money to spend on fun vacations, etc, when DH and I weren't able to due to responsibly paying or bills, college loans, etc.
Fast forward 5 years later and DH and I are in a much better financial place, have taken some of our own nice trips, paid our debts, and bought a very nice home. Meanwhile my B&SIL constantly repeat the same cycle, and the nice shiny new rental town home has gotten dingy and too small for their 4 kids in 5 years .
Time changes things, and living an extravagant lifestyle isn't everything.
I have seen many classmates and family members have similar situations: didn't go to college, got pregnant, got married, now live in a wonderful house and are stay-at home mom's. And I will admit, it's hard not to be jealous because everything was handed to them while I have had to work so hard to pay for college, graduate, and pay for my own wedding.
But I'm not jealous of their lives, I'm just minutely bitter because I've worked SO hard to get where I am, and they used family money or 'got lucky' by marrying men who make enough money and are clueless enough to let them stay at home. It's hard to accept, but I believe that everything I've gone through has made me a better person. I don't want their lives or husbands or children. I may have to work full-time, but that means I get to take vacations in Europe or buy a plane or a sailboat.
Things like this always happen and will always happen. You just have to ignore those types of people and try to teach your children that hard work pays off.