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Vent: in laws and timing
This is more of a vent and there is probably nothing I can do but I just had to complain somewhere.
My ILs suck at sticking to a plan. It's mostly because my MIL is impatient and wants to do things when she wants to do them, regardless of what others want. This has been an issue since I met DH. One example that happens all the time is that she will invite us all over for dinner (us, SIL and her H, other family, etc). She will ask what is a good time for everyone and, due to work and such, we agree on a time like 6pm. We will arrive at that time and see that ILs and BILs ate at 4:30 and now there are cold leftovers for everyone else. Why? Because MIL wanted to eat at that time so she prepared the food based on her own needs. DH usually makes a snarky remark but she ignores him because he is always making comments to her about he crappy behavior.
Earlier this week she asked if I wanted to go with them to an event on Sunday (today). I agreed but she never said anything else about it. I was up at 8:30 this morning, and texted her asking what the plan was today. She informed me they were already at the event and had been since 8:00. Wtf??? I thought I was going with you?? I do not have a car right now and live literally two mins up the road from them, so we had planned to ride together. Why the hell would you ask me and then go without me? Oh that's right, because MIL does what she wants!! She then had the guts to say "I bought a cake for FILs birthday, we could have that at your house tonight!" No, you may not invite yourself over, especially not after ditching me today.
DH gets mad about this stuff too but she has become immune to her own kids yelling at her for her rudeness. She always replies "oh it's okay! See? It's fine! There's still food here, you just need to reheat it!" She doesn't get that she is rude and that its not "okay." I'm just so sick of it, and today's events took the cake. I'm not even going to get into what happened last week when SIL and I took her to a jewelry party..... Ok vent over.
Re: Vent: in laws and timing
The solution is actually very simple, STOP accepting invitations and tell her exactly why
Or if you go over and the food is in the fridge, leave. She asks why? You tell her why - "we wanted to eat w/ you all. Not eat cold leftovers. We're going home to eat a hot meal". Then leave.
She keeps doing this because nothing changes. People get upset, but go along w/ what she wants. So.... stop going along with it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I disagree. This is not being passive-agressive. It is not passive, it is not aggressive and it is not rude to explain one's reasons for leaving - when the reason is a direct result of another person's actions.
Walking in, seeing that everyone already ate and turning around without saying a word is Passive and Rude.
It's hard to explain, because its not like we choose to do things with them. I mean, we do, but we don't WANT to. We go through spells where we keep rejecting them because we are sick of this crap and then we feel bad for ignoring them, or we have an actual reason to see them. These food examples usually happen for things like Thanksgiving, birthdays, larger family gatherings, etc. These are not things we want to skip, but they are things that always seem to be at the ILs house. I agreed to go out with them Sunday because I had declined seeing them three weekends in a row and thought I should be nice and go out with them.
MIL texted me a few hours ago asking if she could come over. I was still at work and was soaked in sweat from 12 hours in the heat, so I told her no. I got home and a few minutes later, she walks into the door, uninvited. Why? Because she had expired tuna and off-brand Spam she wanted to give us. I wish I had made this up, but its the terrible truth. Sigh.....
How is it that she walks in the door of YOUR HOUSE? Does she have a key or something? Or was the door left unlocked? If it was the latter, I would start locking your door and just don't answer it when she decides to show up unannounced. Seriously, I don't give a crap who it is, you don't just walk into my house like that....
This is absolutely spot on.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You said no 3 weekends in a row and felt guilty? Well, that's on you.
Look- I get the "annoying ILs". Mine are. And they suck on time. They almost always show up an hour late.
DH and I make plans based on this, and we also often DON'T make plans w/ them because of this. And we both basically refuse to feel guilty. This is who his parents "are" and we aren't going to change them. But we also don't change our lives to accomodate them.
Before DS? We'd easily go months w/o seeing them. Now that we have DS - DH does try to let him see DS at least once a month (when DH is off of work for 2 weeks). But it's still only once a month. It could be more if they would be on time. I'd work them in when I'm home alone. But because they aren't on time, I absolutely refuse to adjust my life around waiting on them. So it has to wait until DH is home.
It's kind of like dealing w/ a child having a tantrum . You supposedly "stand your ground" and don't go over, but then you give in. So now your MIL knows "Oh- just wait 3 weeks and they'll come over again".
This happens over big events? Heck- maybe this Thanksgiving just make other plans! Don't even go at all. She asks why? "We want a warm thanksgiving dinner w/ company".
And I'll tell you this too- even if you really do "stand firm" - she still may never change. If she doesn't - what are you going to do then? You'll have to either find a way to accept it and go, or find a way to accept that you won't see them all that much anymore.
She's showing you all loud and clear, though, that your time and your presence actually doesn't matter. That's kind of why I'm not sure why you all feel guilty.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10