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Want to undo it
We are relatively newlyweds (just celebrated our one year anniversary this June) but were together for 6 years before tying the knot. We bought our first home this last March and we love it. We love the neighborhood, we love being conveniently centralized in the city, we love having our own space to do with what we want and our own little nest.
But here's the issue - it isn't our own little nest anymore. About two months ago, a girlfriend approached me, having serious issues at home with an alcoholic sibling and not being able to find a job.My husband, God love him, proposed that we offer her a room in our house. We'd make a little side cash and she'd get out of her hometown to hopefully make a new start. But, having lived with her in college, I warned him - she is needy and would require A LOT of extra energy on our part. He kind of blew it off and said it would be fine and told me to give it a shot. Well, one thing led to another and now we have two more of my friends from college (who are actually both still in college - we live only a block away from my alma mater) moving in in a month.
The friend I said would require a lot of energy, does. About a month in, my husband started complaining that she was always around, never left, wanted to be around us all the time, go everywhere with us. I am irritated because she is messy and I can't feel comfortable inviting people over to what should be our home (and it is a beautiful house). She eats out a lot and complains about being broke, so I gently suggested that she pitch in for groceries and I'll just cook for everyone, since she really doesn't know how to feed herself (she is 23, by the way). That ended up being her just mooching food off of us and she doesn't pay for anything - she tries to reimburse us by buying us gifts and random things, but that's not quite the same. She takes A LOT of my emotional energy because she never learned to be self-sufficient and she struggles with depression/anxiety (which I knew before she moved in, hence the concern). Anyhow, she ended up finding a bf and he has now stayed at our house (and eaten our food) for the last 4 nights in a row.
I love her and want to help her, but at the same time, I want my marriage and my home back. And unfortunately, we are already committed to adding two more to this circle (who are not nearly as needy, thank God) but I feel like I am already fed up because of the last two months. I want out so badly, but we are already committed to this. I can't help but feel angry at my husband for not listening to mine and everyone else's warnings and being blinded by just wanting to make the extra side cash without any consideration to the fact that the emotional burden would be mine to bear since they are all "my" friends. I can't help but feel the "I told you so" bug. And because the one girl in particular is my friend (and she does her best to be supportive to me as well, we are just in different places in our lives), and we are easy going as a couple, I am not sure how to approach her about bad habits like her messiness, or that she can't have her bf stay over every night. The other two will only be with us for one semester (August-December). The other is indefinite (oh, not to mention she is cattailing to my graduate program next year to try to get into my career path). Luckily, she did get a full time job at a local coffee shop and will start generating her own income now. Can I use that to encourage her to get out on her own? I feel like I can't give her sage, objective advice on her bf anymore because I just want her to move in with him. I want out of this, but I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Any advice would be appreciated. I know that we made a stupid mistake even letting it get to this point, but how do I stop it from going further/how do I put an end or at least an expiration date on it?
Re: Want to undo it
I would have a heart to heart and tell her that you love her and want to help her out, but you feel it is time for her to move on and take care of herself. You and your husband are in a vulnerable state being newlyweds, so throwing a wrench in your marriage can definitely unbalance your lives together. Marriage is hard enough without having other people living in it too. Trust me. I am having some marital problems and I don't have other roomates. I have been married for six years and together for eleven. Just explain that you guys need some time alone and your house back in order. I know it may hurt her feelings, but I am serious things like this can really hurt your marriage. I definitely feel like since she has a full time job that it will be easier to talk with her about this issue because it isn't like you are kicking her out without any support. She has a job now and she will be able to support herself and get back on her feet. I know it will be a tough conversation, but you have to do what is best for you and your husband. Especially if you decide to start a family. I would do this asap and give her about a month to find somewhere to go. I think that is reasonable.
As for the others, just do the same thing. I know it is going back on what you said, but explain to them that you need this time to get your and husband's life and home in order. If they are true friends they will understand. It really does make a difference how you say things, so just have a kind heart to heart with all of them and hopefully they will understand. Good luck.
First, tell those who plan to move in that sorry, this isn't going to work and they will have to find alternative housing. Then you need to get this girl out. Is there a lease? Does she pay rent? Give her notice that she needs to find a new place and stand firm. Hopefully you won't have to actually evict her.
It is really really rarely a good idea to have someone move in with you. But if you do, you need to communicate clear expectations-how long the stay will be, costs, cleaning, groceries, etc. It seems you didn't do that. Lesson learned, hopefully.
So this is out of my direct experience, but-
I do think that you have to, in part, take credit for girl #1 living with you, unless your husband really pushed the issue. You could have put your foot down and said "I will support you/her as a friend but we are newlyweds and need to focus on our life, unfortunately". You did agree to have her move in, even if it was with trepidation.
It seems like you have two choices: be a mom(which she will most likely resent) and teach her how to live as an adult, or ask her to find her own place.
You may wish to think about why you agreed to let two more people live with you. If it is because you are getting walked on, that is not a healthy way to live life.
DON'T encourage her to move in with her boyfriend. With her issues and immaturity it can only lead down a bad road-she needs to learn to survive and be self-sufficient.
I do agree that I need to recognize my role in it - my husband definitely doesn't walk on me, I did consent to the idea of having someone rent. In terms of setting those clearly defined boundaries, there is a lease for everyone, what happened (and what I was afraid of happening and do 100% take the blame for) is that those boundaries very easily get blurred when you are dealing with someone that you are close friends with. And of course I won't encourage her to move in with her boyfriend - it's just, to me, a sign that I am getting worn down, that I can no longer see clearly to give her good advice as a friend because I am so irritated with her as a "parent."
The other girls seem to understand the terms of the lease (and they do all pay rent). It was a lengthy, 6 page, lease too (I work in a legal profession) and covered nearly all the bases. I think she just doesn't feel that she is held as strictly to those rules as the others because "she is my friend." Plus, I think that she has been "spoiled" being "an only child" over the past few months.
In any case, thank you for all the advice. I think I knew from the beginning that I needed to have a sit down with her - but of course, that's every friend's worst nightmare. Finding the right words to say to gently push her - but not shove her - out on her own path. You are all very right - it was a bad idea from the start and it is, I fear, seriously dangerous for our already time-starved marriage. I am glad to know that there are others out there who have experienced similar situations, and to hear that it is OK to have these conversations when the time calls for it!
Your "guests" need to be shown the door. Enough is enough. Friendship and willing to help is one thing but letting yourselves be doormats is quite another.
The both of you to a counselor, stat: you need to learn how to work as a team and you both need to make decisions TOGETHER...and you need to learn the word NO. Stop being such a couple of wussy pushovers.
And find worthwhile FRIENDS. These people are more or less emotional leeches.
In some ways having roommates is an easy sacrifice to meet some financial goals. We live in a high COL city and have had a roommate for the past 5 years, even now when we have young kids. If you find the right person it can work out really well.
However, it doesn't sound as though you are doing this for financial gain or to achieve another goal other than to help these people out.
I'm all about helping people out and our house is practically a B&B for most of the summer with friends and family travelling through our city. I never decline even if it is inconvenient because being helpful is something that I value. Like you, I can be a bit of a well-intentioned selfless idiot, even though my heart is in the right place.
I would tell the two girls planning to move in that things have unexpectedly changed and that you'll only be able to host them for 2 months while they find a place locally. You've already committed to them so I wouldn't just say no outright at this point. I would tell your other friend living there that things have changed unexpectedly and that you can only accommodate her for 2 more months. Then spend the next two months working on getting them all out.
Then, if you plan on having anyone else in again do it with a non-friend and much more formally.
Best of luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You are not going to be her friend if you keep living with her and cannot tell her she needs to follow the rules. Were there any guidelines to her living with you? If you neglected to make it clear in the beginning you all need to sit down and make it clear now. It can be under the guise of new people moving in and this is how it will work.
Tell her that this was a temporary arrangement and you want to start living as a married couple and not running a boarding house. Give her a deadline and for goodness sakes flat out tell her to stop mooching your dinners and pay her way. Do this before you get even more annoyed and say it in anger and ruin the friendship. Your DH and you need a long talk on this and be on the same page. Good luck.