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Newleywed Advice! help!
I'm coming up on my year anniversary with my husband and need some help! I feel like my marriage is heading straight for divorce (and as a strong christian, I swore I never would)
My husband and I met online and had the whirlwind romance. We met and married in 15 months. Things were great. I was virgin when we got married (he was not and had multiple partners). The first 3 months or so he and I had sex about 3 times a week or so. I am a very physical and verbal person with my love. I love cuddling, kissing, sex etc and saying i love you and doing all i can to show my love. The first 3 months of marriage my husband always cuddled with me and kissed me. Before we were married he would send cute texts and such. But after 3 months of marriage, it all stopped.
I have done EVERYTHING. I am very open about my feelings and tell him what I'm feeling. I've for MONTHS been trying to spice up our sex life and marriage. I did the lingerie thing....everything. I basically get turned down for sex on a daily basis. I've told him multiple times that it hurts that he basically pushes me off him whenever I try. He just always says he's not in the mood and although I've told him that we won't always be in the mood at the same time, that it's the other persons job to get them in the mood then. I get rejected at all times of the day with every excuse out there. When he gets home from work (he's too tired after working 8 hours). When he's cooking (he doesn't want to be bothered). During a movie (it's at a good part and he won't pause it). At night he's too tired sometimes. I work nights and so nighttime isn't always easy for me but it's the only time i'll get sex. We have sex about 1x a week to maybe 1x every 2 weeks. He doesn't want to try any other positions other than missionary or me on top (even though i keep asking him to). he stopped doing foreplay so i don't always orgasm and he just says sorry. sex lasts not even 10 minutes. he never wants to do it more than once in a day. he won't do it anywhere other than our bed (as the floor isn't comfortable and the couch he doesn't want to get dirty and i tell him put a stupid blanket over it if you're that worried).
I work the graveyard shift and usually only sleep 5 hours at the most between my shifts. we had agreed when we got married that i would do all the house cleaning/laundry (which i'm fine with doing as it relaxes me) and he would do all the cooking (which he loves to do) and yard work. I started doing all the yard work too in hopes that maybe it would give him more time to have sex with me. he comes home from work (says he's too tired) and then will either watch tv until he makes dinner or plays his stupid computer game. I tell him instead of that lets have sex, but get turned down. I come in with lingerie on and he'll say he's too tired. I try after dinner and he says his stomach hurts....maybe later (which never happens) etc.
NOTHING has worked from lingerie to me trying to undress him (he just pushes me off and says not now). No matter how many times I tell him I NEED things to change and that he doesn't show me love (he doesn't call me, text me, cuddle, etc). Any kisses I get are the ones I have to ask for. He does do a quick kiss before he leaves in the morning (on the nights i don't work) and a quick kiss when he gets home and THAT'S IT. there's no feeling behind it. it's just a quick kiss and he's gone.
I don't know what to do. i can't even tell you guys how many times I've told him how I need him to SHOW me his love and have MORE sex and nothing changes. he will give me like one extra kiss for like a day or 2 after i talk to him and that's it. I've talked, written him notes about it to try to get it through him.
When I tell him that he used to do all this cute stuff and that he doesn't show me love and that our marriage is heading for divorce, he just laughs me off and says I'm "over reacting and that of course he loves me." when i ask him if i'm missing something and ask him how he shows his love, he can't give me an answer. he says he's not a super "lovey" person. I tell him that b.s. and that he did all of that before we were married. I happen to know that some of his previous sex partners had sex all over the place with him and had sex all the time. he can't seem to come up with a reason. he only says that because i didn't have sex with him before we were married that i "killed" his sex drive and that's why he doesn't want to have sex all the time. i keep telling him lets have sex every day and he says sure but the next day and the day after i just keep getting rejected.
What am I doing wrong?! I just can't seem to be taken seriously. i just get told i'm over reacting and to stop it. I don't know what else to do.....HELP!!!!!
Re: Newleywed Advice! help!
My husband and I met online and had the whirlwind romance. We met and married in 15 months. Things were great. I was virgin when we got married (he was not and had multiple partners).
The moral to the story with dating and a relationship is this:
Take your time.
Rome was not built in a day.
You need time to get over the "infatuation stage" and you need time to plain ole get to know each other, lumps and bumps and all.
You need to know is he dependable, can you actually stomach his habits, will he be around for the long run, do you get along at all times, does he have any destructive behavior or debt, can he make good decisions, can he be a team with you -- to name a few.
The uber religious groups and congregations tend to urge their members to marry ASAP. This is where they are wrong; you need to get to know your significant other and that's a fact.
The first 3 months or so he and I had sex about 3 times a week or so. I am a very physical and verbal person with my love.
SURE it was great!!!
You and he were horny!
I love cuddling, kissing, sex etc and saying i love you and doing all i can to show my love. The first 3 months of marriage my husband always cuddled with me and kissed me. Before we were married he would send cute texts and such. But after 3 months of marriage, it all stopped.
I have done EVERYTHING. I am very open about my feelings and tell him what I'm feeling. I've for MONTHS been trying to spice up our sex life and marriage. I did the lingerie thing....everything. I basically get turned down for sex on a daily basis. I've told him multiple times that it hurts that he basically pushes me off him whenever I try.
He just always says he's not in the mood and although I've told him that we won't always be in the mood at the same time, that it's the other persons job to get them in the mood then.
Not necessarily!
There are days where you plain ole don't want to have sex: anything could be in the mix: rough day at work, you're worried about something or you're just not in the mood. Nothing at all wrong with that.
And I do not think this is rejection per se:
I get rejected at all times of the day with every excuse out there. When he gets home from work (he's too tired after working 8 hours). When he's cooking (he doesn't want to be bothered). During a movie (it's at a good part and he won't pause it). At night he's too tired sometimes.
I for one would not be a good sport about doing something that needs my attention now....and then the H buzzes in and decides he wants some. Both of you have to be in the mood.
I work nights and so nighttime isn't always easy for me but it's the only time i'll get sex. We have sex about 1x a week to maybe 1x every 2 weeks.
Once a week to maybe once every 2 weeks?
Twice a week would be great!!!! Don't believe everything you hear about newlyweds and how they're always getting it on. Every couple is different.
You need to sit him down and talk to him at length. Twice a week would be great.
He doesn't want to try any other positions other than missionary or me on top (even though i keep asking him to). he stopped doing foreplay so i don't always orgasm and he just says sorry. sex lasts not even 10 minutes. he never wants to do it more than once in a day. he won't do it anywhere other than our bed (as the floor isn't comfortable and the couch he doesn't want to get dirty and i tell him put a stupid blanket over it if you're that worried).
THIS is the big pants monster of love who had lots and lots of partners???
Hard to believe...unless the "lots" is attributed to the fact they all cut out when they saw how rigid and uptight in bed he was, after he decided no foreplay.
Lots of partners?
Either these women were not fussy or he's lying through his teeth about who he was getting his from. Either way: he cannot skp foreplay and he has to please you! This is no questions asked.
What I suggest:
Again, talk to him.
There are couples-only sex manuals; mainstream book stores sell them. If you don't have one nearby you can browse, try on line.
They're well written and they are for all couples.
He's got to work on this with you. That's the main thing.
And why don't you just climb on up on top when the mood strikes you during sex?:)
Again, talk to him. That is what is the most important. Communication is key.
I work the graveyard shift and usually only sleep 5 hours at the most between my shifts. we had agreed when we got married that i would do all the house cleaning/laundry (which i'm fine with doing as it relaxes me) and he would do all the cooking (which he loves to do) and yard work.
He's got to pitch in and he cannot leave this all up to you -- and sorry, he broke a promise he made to you. Not cool.
I suggest getting a 5 subject notebook and making it a household TO DO list.
2 pages for each day; when you hold the book open, that's the spread for that one day.:)
Write in that book on each appropriate page what needs to be done daily, weekly, bi weekly, monthly and quarterly.
At the start of each week, both of you sit down and look over the book and go over what needs to be done and who will do it.
Do this as a team.
I started doing all the yard work too in hopes that maybe it would give him more time to have sex with me. he comes home from work (says he's too tired) and then will either watch tv until he makes dinner or plays his stupid computer game. I tell him instead of that lets have sex, but get turned down. I come in with lingerie on and he'll say he's too tired. I try after dinner and he says his stomach hurts....maybe later (which never happens) etc.
He can't be doing this: what about time TOGETHER??? Even something as mundane as washing dishes or a walk after you've eaten dinner or getting some exercise together.
This has got to stop. He can't leave you on teh shelf while he goes off and does what he wishes to do.
NOTHING has worked from lingerie to me trying to undress him (he just pushes me off and says not now). No matter how many times I tell him I NEED things to change and that he doesn't show me love (he doesn't call me, text me, cuddle, etc). Any kisses I get are the ones I have to ask for. He does do a quick kiss before he leaves in the morning (on the nights i don't work) and a quick kiss when he gets home and THAT'S IT. there's no feeling behind it. it's just a quick kiss and he's gone.
There is affection that needs to be shown out of the bedroom --- and every guy can do it: thanks for a great meal, tell you how terrific you look, to name two.
I don't know what to do. i can't even tell you guys how many times I've told him how I need him to SHOW me his love and have MORE sex and nothing changes. he will give me like one extra kiss for like a day or 2 after i talk to him and that's it. I've talked, written him notes about it to try to get it through him.
When I tell him that he used to do all this cute stuff and that he doesn't show me love and that our marriage is heading for divorce, he just laughs me off and says I'm "over reacting and that of course he loves me." when i ask him if i'm missing something and ask him how he shows his love, he can't give me an answer. he says he's not a super "lovey" person. I tell him that b.s. and that he did all of that before we were married. I happen to know that some of his previous sex partners had sex all over the place with him and had sex all the time. he can't seem to come up with a reason.
And this is just fantastic:
he only says that because i didn't have sex with him before we were married that i "killed" his sex drive and that's why he doesn't want to have sex all the time. i keep telling him lets have sex every day and he says sure but the next day and the day after i just keep getting rejected.
This is what he actually TOLD you?
YOU killed his sex drive???
Holy cow...how OLD is this guy????? My goodness, how JUVENILE and how confrontational. WHERE did you find this stud, gem and all around great guy?????
I hate to say it but here goes....and I hope that is not what is at hand here:
It is very very possible that what you had with this guy is over.
You and he have only known each other 15 months. You met and married in this time.
Very possible for it to be time for it to be over.
I specifically said Rome is not built in a day: As I said too, you need to give it TIME. YOu need to see is he dependable, what he is like after the infatuation stage is over, you need to see is he the guy for you in the long run.
You also need to see if you are sexually compatible.
Even things like his friends and his family: you need to get to know them too, after the time comes when it's serious enough for the 2 of you to meet each other's families.
Let's suppose his brother is a nut and his mother is pushy or his friends are nobody at all you can tolerate: they're still silly and drinking and immature, for example.
Talk to him. Do it today. And let him come up with an action plan to get things back on track. Work on this together. GL.You may not like his kook brother, his pushy mother or you may not like his buddies. You may not like this or that that his family does.
You have to consider everything while you are dating somebody and you have to give it all an ample time to assess.
Where the heck did you actually meet him? Please don't say it was one of these deals where you were LTR on the web and then "finally" met. Doesn't bode well for up close and personal time: you need lots of it while your relationship is developing.
You may also be sexually incompatible and no amount of talking will change it: he is what he is and you are what you are.
And what a sh!tty thing to say to a spouse, partner and friend: she killed your sex drive. This guy needs to learn how to communicate and in a hurry.
First, I'm so sorry. This isn't fun.
Second, are there things you still like about your husband? If there's not, then you'll want to address that first. If there is, then I completely understand that it's necessary for you to figure out this sex-compatibility and affect thing.
It sounds to me like something is going on with him. He may not know what it is, or he may not know how to talk to you about it. What made me think this is when you said it's not just the sex that's dropped off, but also the affection. He could be under stress at work, or he could be struggling with what his expectations of marriage were and what it's really like. It could have something to do with you, it might not.
Don't take credit for ruining his sex-drive. That sounds to me like an excuse or something that just came out of his mouth because he was tired of being asked about and it was directed at hurting you because you're the one asking. Everyone does have different sex drives, and they can change. Personally, I went through a period that I felt guilty for not wanting more sex with my husband, when that's not how I had been in previous periods of my life with other people. Once he reassured me it was ok, I let myself off the hook, and I stopped counting how often we were intimate, I started feeling a lot better, and started enjoying sex more. But, that's just a personal anecdote.
I would recommend trying to listen. I know you've asked him what's causing these behavior changes, but have you done it when you're not frustrated? In a way that he isn't feeling like he's being put on the defensive? In a way his manliness isn't being questioned? Men are as sensitive as we are in a lot of ways, even if they don't admit it or show it the same.
I would also recommend seeking outside help. Therapy isn't scary after the first time (I've been there and learned its value first hand). It's a safe place to talk about anything. If he won't go with you, that's ok. You can work on you, and maybe get some ideas of how to approach him differently (both sexually and to talk). Or, maybe you have a pastor or someone in the church you can talk to? The important part is to talk about all of it. If different positions and places is something that's important to you(it would be to me), you need to be able to talk about that with whomever you seek help from. I know that there are times when men feel like they can't do some things with their wives that they've done with girls in the past. A marriage can have the stigma of being "in the eyes of God" and therefore sex must be proper.
I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I hope things get better for you. I am a fan of always putting in full-hearted effort to make a marriage work, but both people have to participate. I "didn't believe in divorce" and waited to have sex until I was married. And 2 years later found myself going through a divorce. Life did go on, I forgave myself and eventually him. And years later I'm re-married and so happy I had that experience and have a better relationship for it now. I'm not saying divorce is the answer. Only the two of you know that. I can tell you I wish I'd sought help earlier in that marriage.
Good luck! I wish you well.
I'm sorry you are having so much trouble. The advice I can offer is:
ask him to sit down with no distractions and talk. You explain how you're feeling he can share his feelings. just be open.
I would try to suggest a week challenge. One week of no tv. You guys play board games, go on a walk together, go on a date. During this time no tv or phones just be alone together. hopefully this leads to more intimate times together.
also don't force sex. Sometimes it's just as enjoyable to just make out and there is no pressure to have sex.. just intimate kissing.
If non of that works another option is to ask him to commit to eachother one week of sex. You can try different locations every day or not. But one week every day. even if you don't feel like it.. just do it.
One other thing. .. sex once a week is not unusual when you are married. so don't worry too much about it. as long as it's happening.
there's no reason to divorce from what I have read about the situation. There are many other options like therapy, take a vacation, try the thingsi mentioned earlier.
I really hopei helped andi wish you the best. Good luck!
It sounds like this relationship has run its course. If you weren't married, wouldn't you have dumped him by now?
His low sex drive worries me a lot less than the fact that he doesn't give a damn about your pleasure. No foreplay, and when you don't orgasm he just says "sorry" and that's it, doesn't bother to get you off any other way? This guy is NOT a keeper.
My husband and I went through this. I also was a virgin but he was too. so it was even more alarming to me that he didnt want to have sex 5 times a day lol i thought that was how guys were!! I thought it was my fault and I wasn't attractive to him anymore and all this still cause He never wanted to have sex and that made me feel unwanted. It would cause fights and leave me crying. So I backed off and gave him space about it and finally I got it out of him that he was too stressed and anxious (because he only had a part time job and money was tough) to be able to get in the mood all the time and he just wanted me there to hold as cuddle with. And I respected that, let him let me know when he DID feel like sex and it ran its course and now wee are having sex at least 2-3 times a week. I would love to talk w you more if you any to message me or something. Praying for you girl xx