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Should I cut my mom out of my life?
I'm just going to be honest - I don't have the most illustrious family background.
Dad's a high school dropout, has a job in an industry that's slowly dying. Remarried now, with another daughter. (I'm the only one from my parents.)
Mom was a stripper until I was about 9, when she left my dad for a guy she met at the club. She's been with the new guy since, and has two kids with him - SAHM.
Throughout my entire life (I know 19 isn't too long but still), my mom has lied to me about so many things. She told me she worked at a hospital, hence the weird late night hours where she'd be "at work." I believed her as a kid. I found out she was actually a stripper when I was 9ish. Mom and Dad split after a 10ish year marriage. She said that she met her current husband at the hospital, when in reality, she met him at the club.
Both parents told me that they had tried drugs, during the whole "don't do drugs" talk when I was growing up. Turns out they both rolled on ecstasy ALL the time, sometimes every couple days. (Not that I'm against drugs, I believe in moderation, and that's their past anyways.) They used to be hardcore swingers, all because Mom wanted to. Dad was the enabler...poor guy. Mom got breast implants, bringing her from a 32AA to a 34C. She always told me that "Dad made me do it." She just wanted to get more attention.
Then the stripping came along. She wanted to do it. She worked for Mitchell Bros. (Holy crap though) in San Francisco for a while, until Dad told her to cut it out. He did that when I was 9, too. He didn't want me to remember my mother as a stripper, so he told her to stop before I'd start to take notice. She got mad at him, hooked up with her current husband, GOT PREGNANT, had an abortion, and then LIED about it to Dad. THEEEEN she left him, saying that he'd never be a good enough father for me, that he could never afford to send me to Harvard, etc etc.
Here I am, 10 years after they split. I never went to Harvard. I have borderline personality disorder as a result of their divorce and all the emotional fallout that ensued. I've been depressed, suicidal, and I get too attached to people. I had a history of seeking attention online, posting nudes on image boards just to feel a little better about myself...but that's all done and over with, thanks to my current boyfriend. I've lived with him for about 10 months now, been away from mom for about a year.
During this year, I've tried multiple times to repair my relationship with Mom. She sees me as nothing but a little sh*t who can't do anything by myself. Every conversation we've had has always been an argument.
"Why aren't you in school?" (Because I can't afford it right now.)
"Why do you have such a sh*tty job?" (Because I don't have a degree.)
"Why are you such a drug addict?" (I'm really not, just the occasional weed when BF and I want a different weekend. Granted, I've tried things, and I don't regret the learning experiences.)
Any time I try to be reasonably adult-like with her, it just backfires and then it turns into a fight where I'm constantly trying to defend myself against her insults and degrading comments.
The last time I talked to her, I told her that I wasn't going to talk to her until she's ready to have an adult relationship with me. She hasn't called in months. No texts (even on holidays), no emails, nothing. The other problem lies with her two kids, who I pretty much raised on my own because she just threw them onto me while she scrolled through FB or watched TV. As a result, I'm really attached to them. They're like my kids, and I haven't heard much of anything from them in over a year. I miss them. But I can't handle this kind of toxic relationship with our mother, it's damaging to my relationship with my BF.
So FINALLY, the big question: Should I really cut Mom out of my life? Or should I just hang on and keep communication to a minimum, but enough to be able to talk to my brothers?
Sorry for the huge post...I really needed to get all this off my chest.
Re: Should I cut my mom out of my life?
Well, you are only 19 years old. I think that with time and distance you will be able to take control of your own life and decisions without blaming your life on your mother. To me, it's natural to expect the most of our parents, and at the very least that they are good parents. We all want that mom that baked cookies and gently talked us through our boy troubles, watched sappy movies together and was always a great role model. Is that a fair expectation though?
Look at your mother as an individual, not as a mother. Her life is pretty messed up, would you want it? To be ashamed of how you earn a living to the point that you feel the need to lie about it? I can see why she lied to you, I wouldn't hold that against her. To go from relationship to relationship and to have children at such a young age, to being a stay at home mother to children you didn't plan for and felt inadequate in caring for?
Why don't you have a great job and a degree? Because you are only 19!!!!!! You are 19, living on your own (even with your boyfriend) and are already doing a heck of a lot better than your mother was at your age. You have loads of time to go to school, to build a career, to build a family and a life for yourself. LOADS of time!
Don't cut her out, but don't engage with her either. Keep it superficial until YOU are emotionally stable and ready for a bit more of a relationship with her. This could take a couple of years. Don't look for your mother's approval, you are not going to get it. That's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on her and her ability as a parent.
It sounds like you are doing great. Keep at it, keep your chin up and look at your mother with more pity than anger. She screwed up, badly, but you've broken the cycle.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I wouldn't cut her out completely, but I wouldn't start the conversations either. You never know if something could happen and she will realize her actions and want to mend the relationship. Just give it time, and maybe something good could happen.
You sound very self sufficient at 19. Have you seeked therapy or counsiling to assist you with your self esteem issues? The best thing for you is to work on you and your relationship with your BF.
I see what you're saying though, and I do feel like I'm doing significantly better than she did at my age. I guess I'm just frustrated because I've never gotten any sort of positive recognition from her...it was always "god Sarah you're just like your dad."
All I can do is keep pushing, though.
I don't know if I should pay her a visit when I go back to CA next month...I'd like to see my brothers, but I don't want to ruin the vacation with my BF by getting into a big fight with her, it always leaves me emotionally drained.
I've thought about counseling...I recently screwed up with my BF and met another guy for coffee..nothing happened between us, but the fact that I lied about it is where the problem lies. I was actually engaged to my BF, but he took back the ring after he found out about it. I've snapped out of it as a result, because I know that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Right now I'm doing my best to prove to him that I can be trustworthy, and that I am worth the time, love, and care that he gives to me. How pricy is couples counseling? We're on a pretty tight budget until I get a better job, lol.
I depends on your area, you may have to google around. I believe you can also ask for a referrel from your doctor. See if the counseling has any programs to assist in payments.
Doesn't hurt to ask. Good luck
You are only 19. You have a toxic mother who lived a toxic life. The examples set before you from BOTH parents have resulted in issues in you.
I will be honest, you haven't ever seen an example of a healthy relationship or marriage. The relationship you have with your mother isn't healthy. You really need to get counseling for yourself, get a healthy view of any relationship and then make a decision to marry your BF. As it stands now, you could be with the love of your life but you do not have the tools to keep a healthy relationship with him.
To me, I think it's the first healthy step for YOU to cut your mother out of YOUR life.
Your mom may say you are "just like your dad" because you are more stable than her, and she can't handle responsible, stable people. When your dad tried to be responsible and stable she dropped him.
Please look into individual therapy. It doesn't mean you're broken or bad, it is just help and tools to deal with the overwhelming things in life. I am going to echo the other posters and agree; you can't really love somebody unless you love yourself. Don't count on someone else to save you, because they can't and it's not fair to expect them to. Only you can save yourself-and yes, you can! You have the strength. If your boyfriend is good he will support you and love you throughout.
I don't blame your mom for lying about being a stripper to elementary-aged you. I think most people would do the same-it's not easy for a child to process. I'm one of those people who doesn't get stripping for fun, but also doesn't really judge people for doing it. The way she handled being asked to stop was really bad, of course, on so many levels, as were her following actions!
My recommendation is talk to a therapist about what to do, and focus on yourself and your life. Oh, and if you have under a certain level of income, check what financial aid you can get to go back to school. Since both of your parents have low income and you are under 23/24, you probably qualify for a huge amount of help. Start at community college and transfer. Community colleges in general get a bad rep, but in CA they tend to be high quality and are generally better than people realize(do some research on schools beforehand, of course). You can also get a technical certificate in your field, which (this was surprising to me) shows that you are motivated and can help you land entry-level jobs!
And don't forget trade school! People make nice incomes from there.
I did express an interest in therapy to my BF, and he is very supportive! (Gah he's such a sweetheart ;3; ) Can he come with me to individual therapy?? Lol that sounds like it defeats the point, but he really wants to be involved with helping me get past my issues.
I just realized that I totally forgot to mention that my mom still lied to me after I found out what she did for "fun." Even now, she still insists that Dad "forced" her to do it - which is absolute poop. But w/e, my life goes on regardless of what she did with hers.
I literally make $150/week right now, it's pathetic. If I filed for financial aid, should I mention that I live with my BF? I'm wondering what I should put to get the best result. Houston Comm. College is supposedly pretty decent, and it's cheaper than schools back in CA - trust me, I know lol. Grew up there c:
What trade schools would you suggest for a weak, petite Asian girl? Lol. If I had any sort of strength I'd attempt to join the same electrician apprenticeship that my man is in, but that's in my dreams where the industry isn't rampant with sexual harassment.
All I want in life is to be his happy wife. And the happy mom of our child, when that time comes. There's nothing as gratifying as feeling him hug me in his sleep, knowing that he really does love me. But at the same time, I feel guilty and regretful for betraying his trust. I suppose all things heal with time and effort.
A decision to cut a parent out of your life completely is a big one...that should not be entered into lightly.
If your mother is degrading, abusive, and toxic, that may be reason enough to cut her out.
But I will say that I'm a firm believer that certain tidbits about your parents' personal lives are THEIR journey and none of their children's business. The fact that she was a swinger...that's just none of your business. Personally, I would NEVER want to know, or even actively discuss, either of my parents' sex lives. That's just gross.
I can understand that her being a stripper would be upsetting for you. I can also see why she would want to hide that from her child, even while flaunting it to everyone else. You want your child to see you as a strictly maternal, and therefore non-sexual, being. Saying, "I'm a stripper," effectively diminishes that. So on that one...I can see both sides of the coin.
I agree that parts of their lives are their business. Lol when I found out about their history, I was pretty put off too. I was never told this personally...Dad spilled all the beans to my BF - kinda weird that he'd tell him all that before me imo, but I can understand that talking about that sort of stuff would be the epitome of awkward. lol
What irks me most was that she always claims that she did it because of Dad, and that she did it to afford a house (we lived in a 1bd apartment until I was kindergarten-aged). It's just...why bother lying about it all after I already know the truth?
but I think I'm starting to get over it all.
She's just too toxic in my life. Just THINKING about her puts me in a bad mood, and all the little fights I've gotten into with my BF were stemmed from my frustration towards her. I think it's time to just let it all go, and to focus more on my life with my man. God knows he's been the most patient guy I've ever known...and he deserves nothing but my full attention.
Trust me, being able to stand on your own will make you even more attractive in the long run
. And you can always talk about what you did in therapy that day! But it's not good to get completely absorbed by a relationship-a little bit of individualism will also go a long way toward making sure that it lasts, also, and help you to be completely honest. Basically, individual therapy as an individual is very helpful!
I think emphasizing that you support yourself gets you the best financial aid-any combined income brings down the amount you will get, I believe. I can't remember who gives out financial aid-if it's federal based or state based-since if it's state based, CA may actually give better financial aid. If you register at a college and don't sign up for any classes you can go talk to the counselor to discuss your options. It's very easy to sign up for comm college. They will also point you towards more affordable therapy.
I went to a comm college in the LA area. I knew plenty of people who worked a service job and went to school at the same time with help of financial aid. Some were even fully supported by financial aid-though, of course, you have to pay part of that back.
Well, there is always becoming a technician(such as at a hospital-those people get payed good money!) or agricultural science...actually, a lot of programs have merged with community college certificates. There are also artisan trades(goldsmithing, etc), getting certified as a gem expert with the GIA(Gem institute of america), and technical certificates you can get from Microsoft and IEEE to work in IT(which DEF pay good money).
It really depends on what you want to do with your life. You can do one of these things and then use it as a stepping stone to work towards an academic degree, also!