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Breaking ties with Stepmom
My parents separated when I was 15. At age 18, my dad brought home his new girlfriend for me to meet. A few months later she and her 4 year old moved in. Looking back, I was a confused kid who felt her mother left because of her. It was a hard time in my life and my dad?s now wife did little to support me or to create a bond. She simply just moved into my life.
I was never resentful toward her, though I did act out a bit. After a few months of her being there, I registered for college and moved out on my own?never to return to their home.
I always worked, paid my bills even though I struggled at times, and never asked them for a dime. I paid way through college, grad school, started my own business, published books, and am raising a family. I?ve kept a relationship with them over the years, but haven?t been that close with my dad since they married.
Looking back over the years, she?s done plenty to make me feel unwelcome. I see such a huge difference with how she treated my brother and me vs. how she treats her children. I can remember when I still lived there my then boyfriend now partner and husband of 15 years would show up to the door to see me and she would slam it in his face. But when my little brother invited girls over at the same age she loved and adored them, hung out with them, cooked for them. It took a good 5 years for her to actually like my husband and two children for her to actually speak to him like a human.
Each time I announced a pregnancy she rolled her eyes and made snide comments. She short changed my kids every Christmas to the point my dad had to start taking over the holiday shopping even though he works 65 hrs a week and she?s often jobless. She just wouldn?t send things. She wouldn?t even send birthday cards to them. I?ve never once missed a birthday or holiday for her kids and even send them just because cards and gifts.
I watched her ship off boxes and boxes of gifts to her family, mail checks to her sister for help, all on my dad?s dime. Not that his money is my concern. I?ve never felt entitled to his money nor did I find it my business. I just feel entitled to kind treatment?or to at least not witness other?s being treated kindly in front of me while I get shafted.
My brother and I never received any money after we moved out. We paid for our own college while her son was put in private school from 3rd grade on because he kept getting kicked out of public schools.
I spent their entire marriage melding into their world. I?d go to gatherings at her friend?s house, I?d go to her friend?s weddings, to her birthday parties, to her dinners, holidays, ect. She never reciprocated. In fact, they?ve never once visited me in my home.
I supported her through cancer, helped care for my sister, and helped her son through troubled times, counseling him late into the night when he was feeling helpless.
When I actual do get to talk to her on the phone because I?ve called, she asked how I?m doing and then promptly turns the conversation into her, showing no interest in my life.
I started realizing that the only time she contacts me is when she needs me. When she wants me to help her son, to talk to my dad about something, or to take my little sister for the summer. She always begs me to come for holidays and never offers to visit us.
I haven?t seen my dad or her in 7 years. They don?t know their grandkids who are now 7 and 10. My biological brother has cut off all ties with them because they drove right by his town on the way to visit her son and didn?t stop to meet their granddaughter. My niece is now going into kindergarten and they?ve never met her.
Both of her children have college funds, car funds, and wedding funds set up. My brother and I received none of these things. Her 21 year old son has been kicked out of the military, arrested, and has verbally abused and threatened her multiple times?but he still lives with them against my dad?s will.
She is constantly taking in foreign exchange students even though my dad doesn?t agree to. She does all of these things to appear to be a good person, but no one really knows how she is to us.
She never does anything for my father on his birthday or Father?s day. This father?s day I called to talk to him and apparently he?d been in a car accident that morning. No one called to tell me. He was fine, but I wouldn?t have know unless I called.
The final straw was last week when she contacted me via Facebook of all places to rip me a new one for not coming to visit. She wrote me as though she was voicing for my father and his feelings. How he?s hurt and thinks I am mad at him and how much I anger her. She sent the same email to my brother.
I called my dad to talk about it and he said he was upset she sent it because he didn?t know about it and he didn?t feel that way. I talked with him for a long time and we talked about my relationship with her. He understood and I also let him know how much I loved and missed him. He felt the same.
Just last night my husband asked me if I?d seen her FB page lately. I said she never posts anything so I don?t bother to look. He then showed me her page and I soon realized that she had blocked me from seeing her content two years ago.
She wrote underhanded comments about how it?s a shame she can?t even get her family to come visit and then she went on and on about how down she felt and how heart broken she was. For days and days this was going on. No specifics. The type of behavior you would expect from a teen looking for attention.
I had it. Not that put any face value on social media and how it affects my relationships. But she has been spying on me online this whole time. She looks at what I post and reports to my father who couldn?t care less. She uses FB as a means to manipulate him, and then blocks me from seeing what she?s doing. That?s just crazy to me. Who thinks of these things?
I wrote her a letter to let her know how much she?s hurt me over the years and how hard I?ve worked to be a part of her life?yet she?s never tried to be a part of mine. I basically cut off all ties from her. It kills me because I love my dad dearly. I would never ask him to choose her or me. That?s not even it at all.
I?ve tried for 15 years to make it work. I?ve kept my mouth shut, taken what she dishes out, and completely respected her as my father?s wife. But I can only take so much.
Now it weighs heavy on my mind. I feel like I should have ignored her like I always do. I feel like I?ve stooped to her level and my fragile relationship with my dad may end.
I am not sure if I did the right thing.
Re: Breaking ties with Stepmom
Your dad moved much much much too quickly!
As we always say on this board, whenever there is a small child (and in your case, even a teen who is nearly in college) it is a must and mandatory to move SLOWLY.
By no means do you meet your SO's small child at 4 months of dating, let alone move the 4 year old and his parent into your home.
And that you were made to feel so unwelcome: I blame your dad and his wife. Sounds like she used him for a doormat. And sounds to me like he has zero spine.
These 2 are not good for you. Steer clear of them; it would be best if you did not stay in contact with them. Block them on FB and don't reply to their phone calls, letters, etc.
I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for the last 15 years. I can't even imagine.
Because of this alone, I'd continue to cut all ties. "I haven?t seen my dad or her in 7 years. They don?t know their grandkids who are now 7 and 10. My biological brother has cut off all ties with them because they drove right by his town on the way to visit her son and didn?t stop to meet their granddaughter. My niece is now going into kindergarten and they?ve never met her."
Your father can grow a pair and make his own decisions as far as you and your brother are concerned. The rest (money, college funds, gifts) who cares. If your father doesn't or hasn't made the effort to continue a relationship with you or even have one with his grandkids, then there is nothing left for you to do honestly.
Best of Luck!
That sounds horrible. I know this will sound smart alecky and I don't mean it that way, but: if you stay involved in their life, what's in it for you? She sounds mean and demanding. He sounds like he threw you to the wolves where she is concerned, and that must be incredibly hurtful.
this whole situation sounds like an open wound. I say give it time to heal - cut her out, leave her alone, and enjoy the freedom.
Oh your poor, put upon, used father. What a horrid life he must lead, being locked away in the dungeon...oh wait, he works 65 hours a week and can scrape together some gifts around the major holidays.
I feel so sorry for you, your FATHER sucks. HE has chosen to treat you children differently. HE has chosen to not be a part of our life. HE has chosen to let this woman make the descisions.
While it is awful that this woman did not or could not become attached to her adult stepchild like she has with her own children, ultimately your FATHER is to blame for the lack of relationship you two have. And all of the platitudes about how he didnt know or doesnt feel that way don't mean a thing if he doesn't actually DO something about it.
So what are YOU going to do when he yet again does not make you or your brother a priority in your lives? Will you continue to blame her for his inactions?
I know I sound harsh, but I hate hate hate hate hate how the enablers of the crappy behavior are always excused somehow.
My grandmother mentally, physically and emotionally abused my father and his brothers. The things she did would make a LifeTime movie plus - would get Nancy Grace's panties wet.
And when my grandfather died, my mother had the audacity to call him a saint. No saint would have allowed those actions to occur. He was worse than my grandmother, because my grandmother has MI. HE just didnt care enough to rock the boat.
Your father is the same. He does not care enough or is to chicken *** to stand up against his wife for his children. And since he is your parent, his actions are worse than whatever she has done to you.
YOU deserve better than that. Your children deserve better than that. And your father does not deserve the little bits of begging you send him to get his love.
I'm sorry. But your Stepmom and her behavior are just a small SMALL part of this.
Where is your FATHER in this? HE HASN'T MET HIS GRANDCHILDREN! ARE YOU KIDDING?
Obviously his relationship with you, your brother, and your families is not a priority to him. And he hides his apathy behind his bitchy wife's behavior.
So not only does he have fucked up priorities. He's a coward.
I'd cut them both out of your life. ASAP.
Yeah- I'm w/ the past couple posters. Where is your DAD in all of this? I mean... come on. Why are you putting ALL the blame on her? And honestly- you were 18. An adult. I put much more of the onus to send cards and gifts to your kids on your dad.
She sounds like a pill. But your dad has allowed this to happen, and actually- so have you. You talk about how she does stuff just to "look good". Haven't you kind of done the same thing? You went to all HER friends events and weddings. Put on the face of one big happy family - right?
You AND your dad both own some responsiblity here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I didn't ever expect to be close with her. At the time she and my father met my relationship was very difficult with my mom. My mom and I are close now, but we weren't for years. I guess I just wanted to someone to identify with and share a bond with.
I guess my husband and I try to keep our families in our lives for our children. Silly, right? Since they haven't seen our kids in years. My son doesn't even remember them because he was 4 months old last time we saw them.
Perhaps it's the ideal of having a family. Of having a father to call and talk to. I know I can't have one and not the other. I gotta take her with him-- not that I would expect anything differently.
This is all very true and something my husband reiterates quite often. Also the reason my parents split in the first place. My father has plenty of his own baggage. Perhaps I'm just wanting something that isn't there.
This is all very true and something my husband reiterates quite often. Also the reason my parents split in the first place. My father has plenty of his own baggage. Perhaps I'm just wanting something that isn't there.
My dad does indeed have ownership in this, but I didn't put on an act. I was genuinely trying to make it work. Inadvertently I also became her doormat. I just wanted to be a part of their lives.
I truly did try to make it work-- for the sake of my step siblings and eventually for my own kids. But it wasn't reciprocated.
Thanks for the kick in the pants, ladies. I shouldn't feel guilty over this. And I shouldn't not fault my father either.
I feel much better today, like a weight has been lifted.
Not silly. Completely understandable, and very sad that it isn't going to happen.
Maybe your time would be better spent grieving the loss of that "ideal" family, instead of jumping through hoops to get their attention. It truly is a loss, and one worth taking some time to deal with and move forward from.