Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husbands Family
I love my husbands family I really do. He lost his mom about 4 years ago and it's just him and his dad. He has 2 aunts and a grandmother on his moms side that have somewhat filled the mother role. They are great an I love them most of the time. We have been together for 4 years now and married for a month. I come from a home that never had much and we didnt spoil Etc my husband is an only hold and is VERY spoiled and his family has continued this as we have gotten married and now they constantly tell me that as soon as we hve a baby tht they are going to buy that baby everything in the world and there is nothing I can say or do to stop them. Husband and I want our Hildren to b the oppsite of spoiled and husband and I want to do this on or own. They also are very controlling over holidays etc. how do we begin setting up boundaries now for how much influence they have in our lives so it's not out of control once we hve children!
One thing I wanted to add is that due to his mom having passed they use that as a guilt system on him. When he isn't there for a holiday they call him crying saying that he is taking away the only part of his mom they have left or they tell him that he takes away their only joy when he doesn't let them buy ridiculous amounts of things for him ugh
Re: Husbands Family
There are no boundaries to set up now for when you eventually have kids. Because you have to realize that boundaries aren't about telling them "this is how things will be". Boundaries are about you and DH acting on what you set the boundaries to be.
For example, you don't want them to show up uninvited? You can tell them this, sure. But in the end, the TRUE boundary is when they still show up uninvited, you don't answer the door/ don't let them in.
Well, actually, the boundaries you can establish now are around holidays. You say they are controlling? Well - in the end, unless they put a gun to your head, it's actually up to you and DH to determine how you want to spend the holidays. They dictate "this is what we're doing", you all CAN say "we'll be unable to join you".
So actually I have to go back on what I first said - if you start making decisions for yourselves and saying "no" now, when yo udo have kids, they actually will know "Oh, when they say don't stop by w/o calling - they actually might mean it!".
As for buying your kid stuff... eh, that's a bridge to cross when yo ucome to it. They're buying your child things isn't what is going ot inherently make your child spoiled! My parents buy my son a ton of stuff, but he's a very nice, respectful, polite young boy who actually is very much NOT spoiled. He knows he'll get stuff from them, but he knows he won't from us and he knows limits, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
All of this, specifically the part about crossing the bridge when you get there. I've been where you are, constantly anticipating potential problems. I made myself and my husband crazy. There is no sense in worrying about future dilemmas.
That said, it wouldn't hurt to start enforcing boundaries now. If they plan something and you're unable to attend, you don't show. End of story! If they call and lay it on thick, in one ear and out the other. If your husband feels guilty, that's on him as he is responsible for and in control of his own emotions.
Obviously this is all easier said than done. I can't fathom the grief that comes with the loss of a parent. But its important that your husband and his family deal with the loss in a healthy and constructive manner. Co-dependency and lack of boundaries is neither healthy nor constructive. If his guilt is making him feel obligated to do anything his family wants, despite his own desires or the desires of his wife, he may benefit from grief counseling.
Eleanor Roosevelt said " No one can me you feel inferior without your permission." I believe the same can be said about guilt. No one can make you feel guilty without your permission. If you both are spending the holidays how you please, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Now that doesn't mean you don't see his dad sometime during the holidays, but you also don't have to be at his family's beck and call either. That isn't fair to you, him and your family.
However, if these manipulations and fits are working, can you really blame them for doing it ?
Like PPs said, I wouldn't worry too much about babies now; however, placing strong boundaries now at the holidays will be great practice for when those babies do come.
This is excellent advice and please read this over and over again. Would his late mother be happy knowing that her son is being manipulated by her sisters and his dad and sacrificing his happiness and his wife's happiness during the holiday season ?
As far as grief counseling is concerned, my husband and I did that when we lost our first child. I believe it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made. Please seriously consider it.
Buying things and having lots of toys/clothes/whatever doesn't make a child spoiled. It's not your money and you can't control how they spend it. You can control what you keep out of what they buy.
Ditto PP, show them boundaries and stop using words. Actions are going to work.