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Marriage Issues - long post
Long story..looking for some feedback/advice.
How we met: My wife and I met when I was stationed overseas back in 2006. She was overseas looking into college in the UK. She found me online and we talked and skyped quite a bit. I offered her a free place to stay for the rest of her visit in the UK. Things progressed quickly from there?we started dating and were in a relationship almost from the get go. Things weren?t going great though. I could see that she was having a tough time adapting to the fact that she was alone in a foreign country when I was working 12 mid shifts. Didn?t know it at the time but she was/is very prone to anxiety and depression. As time went on she took those feelings out on me, expecting me to fix her anxiety and depression (still had no knowledge of what true anxiety and depression symptoms were)?lots of fights. It wasn?t easy to just separate?she had no where to go and home was a 600$ flight so it?s not easy to just ?head home??We kept trying to make it work.
Moving back: We convinced ourselves that our issues were simply the fact that I worked such a tough schedule and when we got back to the US, all would be resolved. So in between moving from the UK to the US we decided to get married at the courthouse. We also bought a house when we got to where we were going. Next, we find out she?s pregnant with our first daughter. Still fighting a lot about me not meeting her emotional needs--I?m not a very emotional guy?I grew up in Boston around a lot of ?tough guys?..Being emotional/vulnerable wasn?t the norm. I have a lot of fear about being emotionally vulnerable in most situations, except for with my girls?SO after my first is born, she goes into post partum depression?.Again, I don?t recognize the symptoms..but she does, and refuses to get help (ego). Again, she takes out her bad feelings on me nearly everyday?yelling, throwing things at me?Of course, I fight back at times?I?m not innocent in this but either way, damage done again. It was like 6-7 months of misery?And on top of that, the depression really ruined her bond with our oldest daughter.
There was a stretch of time where things got better?not great, but decent. A year or so later she was pregnant again with our second daughter?This time no PPD and things went much better?also the bond between her and youngest was/is much better.
Present day: After six years of her beating me down for not doing things right?Keeping in mind that I tell her I love her daily, hold hands, hugs, send flowers, take on dates, don?t go out with friends, take care of my kids, cook dinner every night?Things still suck..She still doesn?t give me any credit for keeping this relationship afloat while she does nothing but complain about it. She doesn?t really appreciate anything in her life. She?s currently being seen by a psychiatrist and has gone through a number of meds?none have truly worked yet. Overall, we have never had a great stretch of our marriage or dating time?maybe a week or two of good times but that?s about it. She is angry with everyone and overly harsh with my oldest daughter (still no bond there)?
She says that her issues stem from the fact that her father wasn?t around when she was growing up, he was a drug addict/alcoholic and that I?m not always emotionally available even though she needs a ton of reassurance and deep feelings?
I could go on and on about this?this is as short as I could make it. I keep trying to work on this relationship and make things work for my girls at this point?Of course I?d sacrifice my happiness for their sake, but I?m not sure if that?s the right thing to do. Any advice or feedback is welcomed?.
Re: Marriage Issues - long post
It seems like you have been very patient with her. If I were you, I would cut my losses and move on. Do not feel guilty about doing this because of her emotional condition- you have been there (or tried to be) for her for many years and she is not making it easy for you to be a good husband for/to her.
Good luck.
It sounds like you two barely knew each other before making some huge life commitments, and now that you do, you don't really like each other very much. I wonder if her depression will improve a bit if she doesn't feel so stuck.
Long reply - sorry hope its not too long....
If she is seeing a doctor now and going through different medications those can really mess with her head and change how she acts/reacts for both positive and negative. Most of those things take weeks or months to even start working... and how effective they are can be argued.
I would suggest trying a marriage counselor. A lot of companies or churches offer free services and if shes already seeing a doctor about depression she might go with you. That way instead of you two fighting and not compromising or realizing how to fix things, you have a experienced mediator to keep things going to a positive place.
It sounds like you are or were military with being stationed overseas. If you are a recently sep'd vet and can still get on base or are active duty/reserve - most branches have a family services area. Navy & Marine Corps- Fleet and Family Services, Army- Military Family Support Services, Air Force- Family Support Services. It doesnt matter the branch you are or were you can go to any base and get help for free, and usually offer free childcare while you are being counseled. If you cant get on a base go to the vet center - they can give a lot of free support/advice.
I agree with the other poster that said you guys didnt really get to know each other first, and that happens but now you either have to work on it and fix it or let it go and move on - but with kids in the picture how will that split work and affect them... Lots of moving parts to your marriage to consider. Good luck to you, I hope something here helps, and above all if you made it work for 6 years it might be fixable and the future might be much brighter then the present - but from the sounds of it, there would be a lot of work involved on both sides.