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I was wrong, and can't make it right
My husband and I currently live in a city that neither of us like, where neither of us like our jobs. He recently has had an interview to move to another city, where I would love. In talking with him about this opportunity I made it all about me on accident, saying things like "I will love it." "I'll make friends, don't worry." Thinking that this would ease his mind and not have a harder decision to make, thinking that I would be miserable. Turns out, this technique backfired and turned into me being selfish (which it kind of was) and not caring about his feelings on the matter. Now, even though I have apologized, I can't seem to make it more about him. We are having a hard time talking about it, and when we do it always comes back to me being selfish. He is such a caring, loving man and I don't want him to feel this way anymore. I am trying to make him feel loved, that I care only about our happiness together, but I can't seem to get it across to him.
any ideas about how to make him feel number one, and that I was just being a jerk. I truly love him and want for us to be happy in a place where we will both thrive. He deserves every happiness in the world, and I know he loves me deeply still, but I feel like I have hurt him and want to make it right.
Re: I was wrong, and can't make it right
I don't see the big deal. You got selfish, he got hurt, you realized it and apologized, now what's the issue? You continuing to be self centered? stop it!
It seems like more drama than this mistake warrants, IMO.
Yeah, I really don't see the problem here. You got excited about moving to another city.
Who's decision was it to move to the city you are in? Was it him? His job? His schooling or something? Did your reaction make him feel responsible for your misery in the city you are in and that is why he is reacting this way?
Regardless, this seems like a really strange and over the top thing to be fighting about. You've apologized, move on.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
If your husband is still making you feel bad about this, he is being waaaaay overly sensitive. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe he's freaking out because he's stressed about having to make this decision, because otherwise, he's kind of being an as$. Why should he be "number one" if this is a move you'd have to make together?
Seriously, unless you literally went on for days about yourself, I don't see how what you did was all that wrong. He told you there was a possibility of a move, and you talked about how you would enjoy moving. Sounds reasonable. And, according to you, you did this at least partly because you wanted to reassure your husband that you would be on board with the move, thereby making the decision easier for him. That's not the definition of selfish. Sure, you might have a been a little too single-minded, but if we're only talking one conversation here, I still don't the big deal. Honestly, if you felt it was enough to apologize for, then fine, apologize--but your H's response should have been, "It was not big deal. Don't give it a second thought." And that should have been that.
Bottom line: approach this move like a team from now on, and don't let yourself continue to feel guilty. More specifically, if your husband continues to try and lay a guilt trip on you, don't accept it.
It does seem weird that he is still upset.
Is it because now he feels overly pressured for the interview? That if he doesn't nail it, you'll be unhappy? Or just over-pressured about the job in general?
Is there anything else to this story? Do you have a history of acting selfishly?
Giving you the benefit of the doubt... You're husband is being ridiculous. He's holding a grudge over something that wasn't THAT big of a deal to begin with. I suppose I understand why he was upset but nothing more than an honest, matter of fact conversation was warranted. If it were me... "I have apologized for hurting you. I learned something from this. But you need to give me the opportunity to prove I can change. I feel we can't grow from this experience if you continue to hold it against me. Do you truly forgive me? Can we please move on?"
I'm going to read between the lines and maybe I'm off base, but this is something I'm picking up -
all your talk about him, how great he is, etc - you have him on a pedestal. He's "perfect" in your eyes. And then the comment of making him feel number one?
I don't get a good vibe from this, to be perfectly honest. I'm wondering if you're a little "star struck" by him and in turn always talk him up, make him feel perfect, etc, and then the ONE time you actually think about yourself (which there is NOTHING wrong with doing.... especially when you're talking about making a huge move) - he gets pissed. Because HE isn't the main focus.
I'm wondering about the overall balance in your relationship and if this little hiccup might be the first crack that is showing that the relationship actually isn't balanced.
It's honestly ridiculous that this has become such an issue, that this is a "wrong" you just can't make "right" in his eyes, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why does he need to be #1? Arent you equal in your marriage?
Why wouldn't he want you to be excited and positive about the move?
I am thinking he needs it to be all about him ALL the time. AND, if you were nervous and scared about the move he would act exactly the same.
LMAO
Your H is being ridiculous. This sounds like a normal conversation about facing the possibility of a move. It's about BOTH of you, he gets a new job and your excited. I see zero of you being selfish here, to me he is the one acting like a spoiled brat.