Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In laws
I?m writing this post to try and get some insight on what I am doing wrong. My MIL dislikes me. She has disliked me from the moment I met her, before I even opened my mouth she was very stand offish with me. The first time I met her I was engaged to my husband. We went to his home town across country and at first I was a bit anxious about going. It was going to be the first time she ever met her grandson and I didn't want to step on any toes or take away from the moment so at first I didn't want to go. After my husband and his mother insisted on it I finally said ok. Those two weeks were nothing like how I had hoped they would go. She barely spoke to me, acted like I didn't exist when new people came around. Never asked to see my engagement ring or asked anything about how the wedding plans were going. Nothing. When our wedding rolled around DH family flew in from out of state to come to our wedding. When they got out of the car my mother and family went up to his mother to greet her and give her a hug. Immediately she stuck her hand in their face and said "Not right now I have a headache". After that, my family was not impressed with her. His mother stayed in her hotel room the whole time while the rest of us had a little party/get together the night before the wedding. His mother never interacted with my family through the few days leading to the wedding. On the day of the wedding a big fight happened between my mother and his mother. To this day I don't know exactly what happened since I wasn't there for most of it but the story goes that my mother had asked DH mother if she mind going to the beach 30 mins before the ceremony to be sure that the people who were bringing the alter placed it on the right markers. DH father agreed to do this even though my uncle had offered to do it instead. Apparently DH mother was extremely unhappy with doing this and threw a huge fit in DH hotel room while he was getting ready for the wedding. DH says that he told his mother off stating that she had not done ONE thing for his wedding and the least she could do was this. His mother got angry that DH stuck up for himself and because of this she was foul the rest of the wedding. She kept her sunglasses on in all of our professional wedding pictures! The next day we decided to do brunch since Dh parents would be leaving that afternoon. At the brunch we were going to announce that we just found out we were pregnant. That of course didn?t happen as Dh mother couldn?t wait to leave and insisted DH take her to the airport early.
A few weeks after the wedding Dh gets a FB email from his cousin saying that the stress from our wedding caused his mom to have a heart attack. DH couldn?t get in contact with his parents for 3 months because they ignored his calls. Finally dh talked to her (I dont know what was said because I was at work at the time) and tried to get his mother and my mother to talk it out. That never happened. Finally DH was able to tell his parents that we were expecting and they seemed anything but excited. It was just like an "Oh ok" moment. During my pregnancy his family never called to see how the pregnancy was going. They never sent any shower gifts or showed any interest at all in the pregnancy. When I was 32 weeks pregnant I stayed in the hospital for 3 days due to possible early delivery. My Dh called his parents on the phone for something that I can?t remember at the moment. When dh mother got on the phone with me instead of asking how I was doing or how things with the babies were she asked me about DH son. Seeing as I don't really talk to Dh son as his mother would not allow us to I really didn?t have an answer to give her. That was the end of that conversation. After the babies were born they continued to not show much interest in their grandchildren.
I picked up on a few things here and there about DH mother talking to Dh ex- wife?s mother a lot on the phone. Some things were said and it started to make me wonder if my MIL was mad that I married DH instead of him getting back with his exwife. Dh says that his mother didn?t like his ex-wife at all and was happy that they divorced. Yet that wasn?t the way things seemed to be at that point in time. I didn?t say my suspicions to anyone I just kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. As time went on the grandparents involvement with the babies continued to not exist. For Christmas we received a box from them with some socks from the dollar store for the babies. Yet, Dh son received a box full of clothes, toys and books. DH family never calls the babies on their birthday or sends cards. We have asked several times for them to come down and visit and every time they give an excuse that I didn?t tell them exact times to come down. I have told Dh several times that I don?t care when they come down and yet I continue to be blamed for them never coming down. Finally we decided to go to visit them instead. When we got there, yet again the visit did not go as I had hoped. His mother criticized every little thing I did regarding the kids, even down to how I styled my daughters hair. It annoyed me but I just let it roll off my shoulders because I didn?t want her to dislike me more for saying something to her. My husband could tell that I was getting annoyed and confronted his mother about how she acts towards me. From what my husband said his mother feels like she should be able to talk to me however she wants since shes my MIL. DH said he tried to explain to her that I don?t know her like that yet and it comes off rude and abrasive. She didn?t want to hear any of that and got upset.
I feel terrible for the way they treat DH. For Dh birthday his parents had their granddaughter send him a text that said Happy birthday instead of calling him. They act like we don?t exist. A few weeks ago we asked them if they could come down and help us with the babies because I had major surgery and we have no family or friends here to help out since we just moved to another state due to military. They said no because they don?t want to have to tip toe around me. What did I do wrong now!? For goodness sakes I?m always getting the blame for everything. Nothing I do is ever good enough for these people. All I wanted was a mother in law that I could be close to like a second mother. I guess I?ll never get that.
Re: In laws
That sounds like a petty crappy situation for you to be in and I'm sorry that your inlaws treat you so badly. However, if I was your mother in law I probably wouldn't like you either.
And I don't think it personally has very much to do with you at all, but your husband (their son). Thinking about it from an outsider's point of view, they probably had great hopes for their darling son, no? That he would get married and live a nice traditional, successful, happy life start a family that would join in and be close with theirs...
Instead they got a son that got married, had a child. Happy days, right? Got divorced (ouch), got another woman pregnant and got engaged to her before they even met this girl and the first time they meet this woman is AFTER she's had his baby and gotten engaged. Of course they're not going to be all woo hoo! Welcome to the family! Then you have a big traditional wedding even though he already HAD one (did they already pay for and celebrate a great big wedding for his first marriage? Invite all their friends and family? Now he needs a second one? Possibly a third later on?) and at the wedding they announce that they are pregnant AGAIN. Not even married for an hour. This whole situation could very easily read that they were bonded to their son's first (and only) son and you were a mistress that ruined that marriage and are now pumping out babies like a pez dispenser.
It's not you so much as the idea of you. You were in the hospital during your pregnancy and they were in touch with your husband, why should they feel compelled to talk to you on the phone? It's clearly not a good relationship - forcing it just makes things more uncomfortable. You were in hospital because the babies might be born early (common with twins) - you and the babies weren't dying. Then for months (years?) you guys are trying to force a relationship with them which isn't working and they aren't interested in (crappy, but their right) and you have surgery so you ask them to put their lives on hold to come to take care of YOU. You, that they don't like and actively avoid. So they're going to fly over and wait on you hand and foot - and you wonder why they declined?
Maybe they don't like that their son is in the military. Maybe they don't like that he's divorced. Maybe they don't like that he's got 4 kids on a military salary, or a new wife that was immediately dependent on him and doesn't have a career of her own - who knows. Maybe he wronged them by denting their car when he was 17 and it's all spiralled downhill from there.
My point is, these assumptions may or may not be true, but they are assumptions that can easily be made. Whether or not they are true (I'm assuming not) doesn't necessarily matter so much as how other people perceive these things (your MIL) which will effect how they view and treat you. If you take a good, honest look at the assumptions and feelings that your MIL has about your situation and the life of her son - from her point of view - you may have more success in building this relationship (if that is what you want).
Good luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
She sounds like a piece of work. Regardless of her feelings towards you, she should try to at least be civil for the sake of the grandchildren.
Putting that aside, however, I am getting the feeling that there is more to the story here, that might contextualize her attitude.
What were the circumstances of your meeting your DH? Is there anything in there that might anger his mother? Were you a factor in the breakup of his marriage? She should still be polite, of course, but knowing the backstory might help.
Why is he not in contact with his child from his previous relationship? If he's not allowed - has he been to court to fight for this, and why did he lose?
I can see scenarios where it would be in the kid's best interest not to be in touch with the dad, and dad might be a good guy for agreeing to that in the short term -- if the dad is addicted or unstable, for example -- but I can't imagine a scenario where that is true and it's also appropriate for dad to have more kids with another woman. I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt, though, since he seems to be standing up for you. So more info would help.
And when he lost touch with his child, did that mean his parents had to lose touch too? Is it possible that they loved that child, and are now somewhat distanced from him due to DH's decisions? I'm wondering if that might explain some of their actions.
Again, none of that would excuse her behavior, but it would help to know. If she's just a straight up B with no backstory to explain it, then I'd respond that she's got a screw loose and you need to shield your kids from her. But if there's a long, messy backstory that involves you or your DH perhaps acting in a way that she perceives as either a) threatening to his previous marriage or b) causing her to lose contact with a grandchild she loves, then I'd give a different response.
These three things are sticking with me... I may be reading too much into this, but I wonder...
Is it possible MIL got wind that you were going to announce the pregnancy at the brunch, and that's why she wanted to leave early? If she was upset about your pregnancies, for whatever reason, I can see her wanting to avoid that scene.
When MIL asked you about DH's son, I wonder if that was her way of giving you a warning. That's the only way this makes sense to me. You are laid up in the hospital, she asks you about his son, you can't answer that because you and DH never see him... maybe she was trying to give you a message about what kind of father your DH is. Passive aggressive, for sure, but if she is worried because she thinks DH acted poorly in regards to his first son, it would explain why she is unenthusiastic about your pregnancy and wanted to make a point.
Especially if she thinks her DH has abandoned or neglected that child.
The last paragraph I don't follow. Does DH have a son and a daughter? And why would the grandparents be responsible for the daughter's text? Or is "granddaughter" someone else, like a niece to DH, and why would that kid need to call him? I'm just confused about that one.
Sorry this post is confusing to some. its hard to write down thoughts sometimes and have it make sense to other people. To answer a few questions
1. The child who met the in laws was not my child it was dh child with ex wife. I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant (with twins) two weeks before our wedding. We did not get married because I was pregnant as we were engaged with a wedding date for about 8 months before the wedding.
2. Yes you are correct there is a nasty background story with dh and his ex and their child. However it does not involve me. I met Dh two years after his divorce. Without writing a novel I will try to sum up that situation. Dh and ex married secretly and didn't tell anyone for about a month. the in laws were upset that they were not there for the wedding. MIL dislikes ex and (from what I was told from both dh and ex) treated the ex just like she treats me. ex sleeps with a married man and gets pregnant. No one knows who the father is. ex files for divorce and gets engaged to married man. Dh finds out child is his through testing. divorce is finalized. dh visits child who was living in Alaska at the time. child doesn't meet in laws for several years. In laws have only met child one time.
3. I do have a career graduated from nursing school at the age of 19 and have been doing it ever since. That's actually how I met dh as I was working at a military hospital and he is a medic.
4. Here are a few more things to help add to the story. Dh mother was upset with me that I wanted to continue my career instead of be a stay at home mom like her. When MIL found out we were engaged she wanted us to move back to their home state and live with them. Of course I said I didn't think that was a good idea and DH agreed. Everyone knows Living with inlaws is NEVER a good idea unless you have no other choice. We had no reason to live with them so it only made sense to decline. When I first started dating DH I would talk on the phone to the in laws for 10 mins or so and just shoot the ***. However the day I actually met them it was like I was some horrible stranger that they didn't want anything to do with.
5. To clear up the whole thing about the text. Dh brother has like 7 kids with the same woman and dh parents adopted one of those children because they could not afford to take care of her. So she is their "granddaughter" in essence. Anyways they told her to text my husband happy birthday instead of them calling him which I thought was rude. Its your child how could you not call him on his birthday?
6. I did not want the inlaws to come down and cater to me at all. We wanted them to come down and help with the babies like play with them and help watch them. I broke my jaw and my face swelled up three times its size. The babies were scared to even look at me for a week so their help would have been greatly appreciated. I was hoping they would of jumped on the chance to spend a week with their grand kids but I was incorrect.
I think I answered all the questions. If theres anything else let me know
Okay that makes so much more sense now. Thanks for explaining! It is a complicated story, that's for sure.
It sounds like your DH is supporting you and recognizes his mother's problems, and that is a very positive sign about the health of your relationship. With what you explained about the first child, his relationship with his son makes sense.
It sounds like your MIL is a punishing person, and she is trying to punish you, and you don't know exactly what for. You can't really win with that personality type. You'll just make yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong.
So. You can only change you. Maybe you could consider how much power you are giving to her. It seems very important to you that she treat you and DH well. Why? Do you feel like she makes you unhappy when she acts out? If so, consider the possibility that you could be happy, and feel good, no matter how she treats you. Let her be who she is, and act as badly as she wants, without it affecting how you think of yourself. Is that possible?
Can you let go of the idea of fixing what you are doing "wrong," and embrace the idea that she is unhappy about things you don't understand and can't fix but you intend to be happy (and a positive role model to your children) regardless?
Good luck, I hope things get better for you!
Yeah, I get where you're coming from. It sucks.
You don't have the power to prevent your husband from having a relationship with his parents, if he wants to, he can, no matter what you think about it. I mean this in a nice way, but I think you are giving yourself too much importance here. His relationship with his parents is his responsibility and his business, and if he chooses not to have one, that's his call and not something you need to feel bad about. (Even if events surrounding you informed his decision - it's still his decision.)
The kids thing is hard too, but again - you can't make them be the grandparents you want them to be. You don't have that power, so you don't need to feel bad about it not happening.
Maybe you could take the energy you have been giving towards your inlaws, and use it instead to figure out how to teach your kids to be emotionally resilient and able to cope well with their grandparents hurtful behavior.
If you DH thinks that you are the reason that he doesn't talk to his parents, then he is not paying attention. His parents won't respond to his phone calls, so they are the reason he doesn't talk to them.
All in all, it doesn't seem like they want to be involved in your life.
You need to communicate with your H what your thoughts, fears and feelings are with his mother. Explain it to him and see what he says. You maybe shocked to learn of her history with her son, your H.
Also, the different treatment between his children has to stop ASAP. His oldest child gets a huge box of gifts and your children only get $1.00 socks?!? No. Ship it ALL back to her, every last item. Showing blatant favoritism like that is harmful and total BS. Please, don't put up with it. By doing that your MIL is being passive aggressive,
The wedding and the brunch after is in the past and I'd stop talking about it.
However, her pitching a fit and blaming them not visiting on you has to stop. Why did you give in and go and visit?!? It's a crap ton easier for her and adults with her to travel than your two babies. Do NOT ever do that again, you have her what she wanted. If she really wanted to see or meet your children she would have came. But this constant it's her fault and we can't come because we don't know when crap is utter BS. She know knows that if she blames YOU then YOU will fold and do what she wants. Your H is to blame for this, he lived with her and he should know better.
After reading all of your posts, I have to say that they sound like controlling people who just enjoy the attention which comes with being mad at someone. They also sound like they have something of a martyr complex.
Don't play their game. Don't give them the attention, and don't worry about it, as everyone else has said!
Agree.
One of my friend's stepfather played favorites with his own son and didn't treat all the children equally. It was very hurtful for the other children.
Hmmm... given your further information my opinion has changed drastically. I still don't think you should ask them for help or to come to you though. Just go with it, accept that your relationship with them is less than stellar and don't let it take any focus in your lives.
I still really, really think that this has a lot more to do with her feelings about her son's choices than it does about you as a person. It's unfortunate, but there's not much you can do about that than to be polite, civil and don't push things.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Agree.
One of my friend's stepfather played favorites with his own son and didn't treat all the children equally. It was very hurtful for the other children.
I could not agree more. Very hurtful to the other kids.