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BIL is a jerk, small problems lead to big annoyances.
My husband and I have been married for two years. Our families live in Texas, and we moved to SoCal about ten months ago. Every so often, his brother will come to visit. When he does, he always want to do things with both of us, and always picks things to do outside. I am sun sensitive, because of medications that I need to be on, and I have lupus. If I go outside for long periods of time (The beach, the zoo etc), I end up applying sunscreen every half hour to avoid getting burned. Getting burned can, and has, brought on a flare up.
When I mention that I'd rather stay home, my husband gets upset with me, saying that I never want to spend time with his family/brother. I've mentioned to him that I always do all I can to make him comfortable while staying at our house, and when we do things inside, I come along, he says that his brother "just wants to spend time with us."
We dated for about 6 years before getting engaged, and his family knows about my issues, I also bring them up when he comes. His brother doesn't understand and thinks I'm making them up to get out of spending time with him. I've given him books about lupus that explain the sun sensitivity, and usually says that I'm being a "sandy vagina" and I need to suck it up.
I don't understand why my husband can't tell his brother "MrsX is really sensitive to the sun, and it makes her flare up. It isn't fun for her to spend a lot of time outside, because she has to apply sunscreen frequently, and usually wears long sleeves/jeans. We can go to (activity) and have fun, then later MrsX can join us at (indoor activity)." His brother obviously doesn't listen to me when I say it.
I don't really know what to do at this point. His brother is coming to visit on Sunday, and I'm dreading it. This is the only issue that my husband and I don't agree on/he doesn't have my back. Every time his brother has visited (and when we go home) it causes fights between us, and between his brother and me. I'd like some advice to finally put an end to the issue.
Re: BIL is a jerk, small problems lead to big annoyances.
I would look you husband straight in the eye and say " Look buddy, spending too much time in the sun makes me physically ill, do you not understand that, I GET SICK IF I AM IN THE SUN TOO LONG. I am happy to go to malls, museums, movie theaters but if your brother wants to go to the beach all day, I will get sick. I don't know what else to tell you. Do you want to go to my next Dr appointment with me so that someone who went to medical school can tell you what I have been telling you ?"
At this point I'd be angry. Very angry and I can't believe that your husband is choosing his brother's happiness over yours.
Yep this. It is terrible that your DH is not sticking up for you. Also, I find it really strange that your BIL objects to just doing things alone with DH. Doesn't he want any male bonding time?
Is it possible for you to plan the events before BIL arrives so you can have a say in the destinations?
Or, what about trying to make BIL's visits happen in the typically non-sunny months of the year so the outdoor exposure can occur, but the sun time is limited?
I feel bad for you. This is obviously a huge issue. It's awful when people refuse to take others' diseases and illnesses seriously.
I'd peace out on the whole scene once I got called a sandy vagina.
Even if your lupus got cured tomorrow, I'd still stay the F away from him, because he's an @ss.
it takes two to fight, so if staying out of the sun is a bottom line for you (as it should be), you can simply refuse to fight about it. DH can whine and yell all he wants; you can remove yourself to a nice, air conditioned location.
(Obviously you would then have bigger relationship problems to address, if you need to leave to ge away from a fight, but this is the tack I would take to get through the visit. Then once BIL is gone, time for you and DH to do some serious soul searching about how to handle conflict productively.)
Exactly, any man that lets his brother call his wife names is no prize. Then expecting her to suffer through pain and sickness all to appease is family on top of that ? That is no man at all. Your anger needs to be focused on your husband not his brother.
That's what the issue is.
He needs to say "Sorry but we cannot do that activity."
And his brother is an immature clod for insisting on sun-forward activities.
Your H and his brother both sound like huge jerks.
I hate the beach but I don't get sick from it. However, I would be annoyed if someone decided that just because they like the beach, I HAVE to go with them. This situation is weird....why do they both care so much that you always go with them?
Also, I can't believe you guys are actually fighting over this. Also, if my BIL called me a "sandy vagina" I would never feel obligated to hang out with him over this. Did your H even care that his brother called his WIFE that????
Yep, this.
And what the hell is Sandy Vagina? Like a wuss? Is it a regional term? Whatever......... he sounds like an a-hole. And your husband is close behind for allowing it. Sorry.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There's always going to be people who don't get it and/or don't/refuse to believe you. Some people just can't wrap their minds around something that won't get better but won't kill you. But your hubby should never, ever be one of those people. If he can't get on board, then your marriage will have serious trouble down the line if not now. Your BIL? Yeah, he's an @$$. But your DH? His behavior is inexcusable. You are SICK. If you haven't had organ involvement, not taking care of yourself could trigger it. He needs to get on board, and yesterday. Has he been to rheumy appointments with you? If so, how seriously did/does he take what the doc said? If he has been, it sounds like the two of you need couples counselling, stat. Because if he doesn't take your health seriously, or believe that you are actually ill, I hate to say it but you'd be better off without him.
Side note: I also don't know... WTF is a "sandy vagina"??? Sounds like a weird as he!! insult to use.
THen again, the BIL is weird as hell.
Why would your H do anything to compromise your heath, all on account of what? His brother and because his brother wants somewhere to go?
You need to read your H the riot act.
And I wonder if your H insists on you and him doing activities that you can't partake in due to your health -- I get the ugly feeling he's like this all the time.
I am not familiar with the term, but I think it means spoil sport. Like having sex on the beach is fun until you get sand in your crotch.
I would be upset with both the husband and BIL, and since BIL already thinks she avoids him there isn't much to lose by her sitting out most of his next visit.
I also find it strange that the men insist on her spending every moment with them. It seems more normal IMO that the brothers should do some stuff on their own and have some guy time. I agree with PP that the guys should do the outdoor activities they like, and OP can join them for dinner if she wants to.
Oh, your husband could tell your brother all of that, he just chooses not to. Because he cares more about his brother having fun than he does about his wife's health.
You don't have a BIL problem, you have a gigantic H problem.