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Huge transgression...heartbroken and offended
My emotions are all over the place right now but typing this will help me decompress and hopefully I'll get insight and good advice.
DH, three girls, and myself are scheduled to leave on our vaction less than 48 hours from now. We planned and paid our vacation in full in early March. Our destination will be Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. We are staying at the same resort we went to on our honeymoon. We are all super excited and the girls have been talking about getting on the plane and spending time at the beach since we booked and even more so over the last few weeks.
My in-laws live about 30+ minutes from us but spend their winters down south. They are gone from January to mid May. Due to their opinionated and controlling personalities, we purposely did not share our vacation plans with them. In the past, they have been very open about having no desire to travel the world and if they travelled, it would be within the US. They are retired and financially doing incredibly well with their pensions, savings, and commercial property rental income, etc. They are also very, very frugal.
I must add, only because I feel that this piece is essential to mention, that I am Dominican-American. I was born and raised in the US, speak perfect English, I also speak perfect Spanish, and college educated. That aside, I am probably not the wife they would have hand picked for their son if they had a choice. Their behavior around me and some of the conversation they have entertained about people of other races confirms my suspicions. By the way, my husband's heritage is Italian on his father's side, and Irish/Scottish on his mother's side.
A few days ago my husband finally told his mother during a phone conversation that we were leaving for a week on our vacation to Punta Cana. I was not around when the conversation was taking place but my husband said she went ballistic. Even though they have never been to the DR, they believe there are drug cartels taking over towns and villages, people are randomly shot and killed, and there are drugs EVERYWHERE! My father in law, who ironically went down south for a week to take care of something in their house, called that same night but at DH's request, we let it go to voicemail. The next morning, FIL called again. Again we let it go to voicemail. DH said that having a civilized conversation with his father at this point will serve no good purpose other than a shouting match.
DH finally got the courage to listen to the voicemails and were grateful that we did not pick up the phone. The messages that FIL were vile and angry. Basically he stated that DH has no respect for "his mother or father or for the well being of our grandchildren". He demanded that we cancel the trip immediately and if we proceed with our plans that they would not be talking with us again. Needless to say, DH feels horrible. DH and I have talked a lot and we are still going on our vacation. This was a decision we made as a couple. We will not be intimidated nor controlled and manipulated by my father in law.
The Dominican Republic is a well traveled country by Americans, Canadiens, as well as Europeans. There are crimes and drugs at every corner of the earth. We are very judicious and would never travel to a place where our well being would be jeopardized. I suspect that their anger is that we did not share our plans with them. They are very controlling and fatalistic and for some reason, they think we have to share every detail of our lives with them (even though they are very secretive with their lives) so they can "filter" and approve what we do.
I adamantly believe that if we decided to go to Mexico or Jamaice, which has far more crime than DR, they would have been upset but not as upset. I think that because they have never really liked me, the fact that we are going to the DR, for some reason, hit a nerve. I'll be glad to clarify if any of this doesn't make sense. In the meantime, let me get back to packing.
Re: Huge transgression...heartbroken and offended
Once those tacky and racist comments began, however veiled in an offhand way, that bunch needed to be put in their place once and for all.
Their behavior around me and some of the conversation they have entertained about people of other races confirms my suspicions. By the way, my husband's heritage is Italian on his father's side, and Irish/Scottish on his mother's side.
Cancel no trip because they're pissed off.
Go where you wish --- and perhaps it is time for you and your H to tell his mother and father that you and he (and the kids) will not be in touch with them until they clean up their acts and begin acting civilly.
What exactly does your DH feel horrible about? And for the fact that you follow this up w/ "we talked a lot and we are still going".
Why did this need to be discussed? Why was there even a question that you might cancel?
How often do you see his parents/ how often do "you" (i.e. either you or DH) talk to them? How much information does your DH actually give them? How often does he give in to their histrionics?
You talk of how they want details, etc. I just want to know what details they actually GET. How much power do they actually have over your lives?
I ask all this because my advice is to have as little to do w/ these people as absolutely necessary. His dad threatened to never talk to you again if you go? Well good- maybe this is all a blessing in disguise! (even though I doubt they'd really follow through... but one can dream.
)
It just kind of kills me that you all actually had to talk about this, and that your DH feels horrible. That just says to me that they have too much power in your lives. Your DH actually gives weight to what they say.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Dear God, what is wrong with you two ? He should have cut off his parents the first moment they said racist remarks about you and your culture. Do you know how hurtful that is to your children to have grandparents who say stuff like that ?
You both are doormats and should be ashamed that you let this happen.
Their attitude towards the DR is racist and ignorant.
The racist part concerns me because this is not just your identity, it's the identity of your children and their grandchildren. I usually don't say cut grandparents out, but in this case, I would. It would be incredibly toxic and unhealthy for your kids to regularly hear these racist stereotypes about their own ethnicity coming from a loved family member.
I'm also a little sad that you had to talk this over, and that your DH feels bad. The judgment should be flowing squarely in the other direction. When they are able to apologize and make amends for their racist words, then you will consider re-establishing contact. Not the other way around.
Based on what you've written it might be hard for your DH to cut them out. I'd really emphasize to him that your children are Dominican American too, and how unhealthy it is for them to hear their grandparents be racist. It's not just a matter of principle; it's about what is best for your children in the here-and-now.
NO WAY you should cancel your trip! Have a lovely time!!
Upon your return, I agree with PPs that you need to have as little to do with these people as possible. Even if your kids don't understand their racist crap now, they will soon enough. You don't want them being ashamed of their heritage.
Regarding your DH, I'm assuming he feels bad about their comments because of the effect they have on you and the kids. That is understandable-I've had relatives who have said crappy things like that and I was embarrassed to be associated with it. (And that is why I don't see them anymore!) However, if I am reading that wrong and he is upset because they are upset, well, then you have a DH problem as well as an IL problem. He should be upset on your behalf, because his parents are acting like @ssholes.
Have them go online and look up the U.S. Government's State Department website for travel information on nations and other travel advisories.
Aside from the usual advisories about securing valuables and watching out for pick-pockets, there aren't any high alerts for the DR.
The only high alerts are for people traveling between the DR and Haiti.
I actually would not do this, because it legitimizes their concern, it re-engages them in conversation, and it completely sidesteps the racism issue.
It suggests that the inlaws are justified in worrying about the safety of the trip and in handling things the way they did - that if there were a high alert, they would be in the right.
if the inlaws truly cared about the welfare of this family, they wouldn't be leaving racist and emotionally manipulative voicemails.
I agree with this. Having them visit the travel advisory site would only reinforce their belief that they actually have any say over where OP and her family get to travel.
Sorry your il's are racist a-holes OP
You're adults. Go on vacation wherever you want to.
Your ILs are crazy and racist. Cut them out or ignore them.
100% agree
Why the heck are you defining your vacation?!? Your inlaws are ignorant, controlling morons and your H needs a new pair of balls.
I wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for your advice and insight. It has just reaffirmed what I have known all along.
The in laws have not called nor have we tried calling them. To clarify, we never discussed canceling our trip. I just happened to make it clear to DH that we were NOT canceling our trip in case a hint of a thought had crossed his mind, which it did not. DH's feelings are more about shock and disappointment towards his parents vile, disrespectful, and highly inappropriate behavior. It was clear that FIL thoughts and words were not well thought out and only proved how controlling and manipulative he is. And to try to intimidate us by saying he ought to take the next flight to Boston. To do what?
The threat of never speaking to us is the hardest think for DH to process. You would think we did something illegal or immoral that deserves no forgiveness. At this point, we are doing our best to put that behind us this week and enjoy a much needed vacation with our girls. Like many of you said, them not speaking to us, even if its for a while, may be a blessing in disguise.
Please take comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing. Now this is something you should have done a long, long time ago, but now is better than never.
I want to tell you something. I know my first response was a bit harsh, but that is because I grew up having a grandparent that verbally attacked my parents, my aunts and uncles and then eventually us kids. My grandparents are divorced and my grandfather went on to marry a horrible woman. She would say horrible things to my parents all the time and then she started to attack us kids. She would say we were stupid and brats all the time. Do you know what my parents did ? Not a damn thing, that is what they did. No, they were too afraid of my grandfather being upset with them, you know the very man that let her treat us like that. So they let that woman verbally abuse us for decades all because they didn't want to destroy the false illusion of a big happy family and thought us kids were better off having my grandfather in our lives. Well, we were not. I grew up thinking it was ok for people to call me names and hurl insults at me because God forbid, I might upset someone if I spoke up. Do you know what that did to my self worth ? Knowing that not even my parents would stand up to that kind of abuse and I just had to take it?
It wasn't until I was an adult that the lightbulb went off and I realized "Hey, if grandpa lets her treat us like this, he isn't any better than she is ?" I have talked to my mom about why she let them treat us kids like that and she said it was one of the worst parenting mistakes she ever made. She and my dad for years thought that us kids needed them in our lives because they were grandparents, but if she could go back in time, they would have cut them out of our lives a long time ago.
Now that I am a mom, I swore I will not repeat the same mistakes that my parents did. I believe that teaching my kids that no one, NO ONE, can talk to them like that is a more important life lesson than having a crappy family member in your life. If you don't respect me, then you don't see my kids, I don't care who you are or what genetic link you might have to us.
Remember, your children share your culture and your heritage. When your ILs make racist statements, that hurts you, your husband and them. Remember that your children love and respect you, and when you don't stand up for yourself, you are teaching your children life lessons on how to let others treat them. Trust me, children truly are happier by not having crappy, racist grandparents that insult their mother.
I understand your husband is saddened by the reality of who his parents are, but he is a husband and a father now, and his loyalty is to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Standing Ovation
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk