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Friend's fiance is questionable
My good friend is engaged to be married. When they first started dating, they had an open relationship. At first it seemed to work out, but then my friend didn't like it so much anymore so she set some boundaries when they started to become more serious. They decided to only continue to be in an open relationship with this other couple, and any new people they would have to both agree on. At first us friends thought the fiance seemed like a good catch: He's nice to everyone (including her), good looking, a great career, healthy, etc. We didn't place any judgement on their type of relationship, because if it was fine with our friend, then it was fine by us.
However, the more we got to know him, the more we would see some red flags. After he would drink a little bit he would blatantly hit on all of us friends. It made us uncomfortable, so she had some "talks" with him, and it stopped...for a while. He still gets a little too close sometimes when he's drinking. They've had countless issues where he hits on other women at parties. I confronted her about it about a year ago, and she said it does bother her but the thing that bugs her the most are of what people think of her when he does this in public. She assured me that they're fine, and that she just needed to be more clear on the boundaries.
Well, now she's engaged to be married, and he doesn't look like he's slowing down. The other night he was all over a (sort of) friend of ours and even disappeared to another room for a little while. My girlfriend was asleep early at the time. It was a party at their house. We had some friends visiting town, and they were disgusted with his behavior. I just felt embarassed for my girlfriend; and I know she doesn't care for this friend he was hitting on. So here's my dilemma: I'm afriad to say anything again because I'm pretty sure no matter what I would say, they would probably still go on with the wedding and I'd be the one who brought up the issues. She's dated some gerks in the past, and nothing I said to her to break them up made any difference. My gut feeling is that I don't think she's happy in the relationship but is too afraid to say anything because she's cares a great deal about her image. To everyone else, they look like the perfect couple. I'm afraid that after marriage, it's only going to get wose. She also seems to be partying and drinking alot more-- I think to deal with the way he acts. Any advice? Let them work it out? Or should I say something?
Re: Friend's fiance is questionable
I couldn't not say something. You will be told to STFU and MYOB but I would talk to her. She KNOWS who/what/how this guy is. I just don't think she gets what this truly means for the future.
As her friend I'd be worried for her health both psychical and mental, this isn't going to end well. I'm not the type to keep quite and act like it's all great when it's a train wreck.
That's hard.
On the one hand, you don't want to meddle in someone else's business. She knows who he is and what he's like; she's chosen to deal with it and marry him anyhow, and you want to respect her right to make her own choices.
On the other hand, you don't want to enable this guy by lying for him or covering up his bad behavior. He probably feels emboldened to act this way in front of her friends because he knows they are over it any wont say anything, But truth is important in a friendship, and you don't want to collude with her if she is in denial.
I think my line would be: I won't lie for him or pretend things are other than they are, but I also won't go out of my way to point things out to her or express my negative opinions about the matter.
Where does this particular party fall on the spectrum? I don't know! He seems to have masterfully caught you right in the middle! If you've clearly told her, in the past, that he has been flirtatious with you or your friends, then I don't know that you need to repeat it. You've said your piece and this isn't anything new. But if you haven't been clear about it in the past, or if there has been any equivocation on your part (like "I'm not sure but.." Or "I think I saw this but I might have been mistaken..") then I would state clearly and plainly exactly what you saw. And then drop it.
I would only say something if I knew this information would make her take some sort of action in terms of their relationship. However, if you know she's just going to stay with him after you say something, what's the point?
Also, if after reading all the posts you still decide to say something, I wouldn't do it alone. I would do it with a couple of girls in your circle that way you are not the "bad one."
To me, it looks like he wants his cake and eat it too -- and she is dumb enough to go along with his wish for an "open relationship."
Judging what you've told us, she needs him like Mante Teo needs another internet girlfriend. But you know how it is: love is oh so blind and deaf and also speechless -- and no matter what you say, it won't help: you can't tell them anything.
Therefore, say nothing. As I said, it won't help anyway.
I totally get that idea but from what I get get im not sure that would work. But Hell its worth a try
I would say something, because I would regret holding my tongue if things went badly in the future.
What to say, that's the hard part. Think about it from her perspective and from within her shoes - what could someone say to you that you might be receptive to? If you say to her that HE is the problem it's likely that she will feel defensive and uncomfortable, defend him against you and you'll be the bad guy.
If you focus the conversation more on HER, she may be more receptive to it? You say that she is worried about image - but it also sounds like she has her own doubts about this guy. So is she staying with him because it would look bad to call off the engagement? Because things are already paid for? Because everyone thinks that he is awesome and they are a great couple? She's already defended her position on an open relationship - leave that alone.
I think that if someone came to me, sat me down as a bestie and said that they're excited about my upcoming wedding, etc. and how great it will be, but they're a little worried about me because I don't quite seem myself lately - is everything okay? (I'd say yes), then talk about wedding stress and pressure, vent and biitch about it a bit together, then move deeper into you guys have had your problems in the past, how are things now... then moving gently into reassuring me that if I wasn't totally happy I could extend the engagement (less scary than calling off a wedding) and nobody would think less of me, nobody would be disappointed, people do this all the time and it's actually a pretty good way to have some new experiences together before getting married, etc. then I might be a lot more receptive.
Good luck, it's hard to watch your friends make choices that they might regret.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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