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Seeking input on toxic in-laws
Wedding was June 1st, best day of our lives, had people coming to us for weeks after saying it was the best wedding, we looked so happy, etc. Two weeks ago, DH's entire family via domino effect tells him it was the worst day of their lives, such an inconvenience, we were selfish (I was a selfish B and disrespected them by not including them in every detail, yet I paid for the whole thing) and they have never felt more disrespected. This was over a two day,multiple call, and in-person attack against DH while I was working. DH refuses to tell me all the details, but came home crying after it (second time ever seeing him cry). DH is devastated, and I'm bewildered as to why they could have so much hatred towards both of us over what was supposed to be a happy occasion.
Later I find out FIL, BIL, and uncle in law verbally threatened physical violence towards both my aunt and uncle (think Santa and Mrs. Clause) over seating at the wedding, his aunt verbally attacked my best friend (mistress of ceremonies) for 'being a nosy, know-it-all B, and all of them confrontations with our photographers about their technique, our unplugged ceremony, photography times and locations, etc.
DH has cut them out of our lives completely due to the toxic behaviors, but we constantly fear they will threaten us at our home, (given FIL's temper and history) and we struggle daily with the hurt, anger, and disappointment this has caused. We know counseling will push for reconciliation, but FH's family will never apologize because they don't see their behavior as hurtful or wrong. I just don't know how to get past the anger and hurt we feel every time we think about them. Any suggestions?
Re: Seeking input on toxic in-laws
These people are horrid! Why should they even think you and your H should have included them in the wedding every step of the way? it doesn't even make sense.
And if it was such the inconvenience, they need not have attended. Politely send back the RSVP with "will not" attend checked off.
The physical threat? that's scary and just wrong.
If these people are that bad, indeed cut them off --- and if they show up and make a scene at any time, call the police. Let the cops handle it.
Let's see how the pesky in laws like the cops showing up...and possibly an RO being served on them by you and your H.
Do NOT get involved with them; don't even open the door. THey sound nuts and this easily can escalate into something physical. Many a stupid thing was done in anger.
I was meh on the verbally attacked and meh on the bullshit where they whined about this and that that they "didn't" get at the wedding but when I got to "physically threatened," it was a whole other ball game.
Treat them with kid gloves.
And do not reconcile with them. Indeed no counselor worth his or her time will advise that at all.
I don't think a counsellor will push for reconciliation with someone who has been physically threatening.
Counselling might help DH to cope with the emotions involved in having such intense conflict with parents.
I would definitely stay away from someone who threatened my family, no questions asked. And the fact that your DH cut them off speaks volumes. He grew up with them; he knows them far better than you; I'd trust his judgment on this one.
And counseling for your H.
He grew up with nuts.
That had to have a horrid effect on him.
Cut them off and do it now. I would NOT expose a child to a loony bin like that one. Imagine the number they'd do on a small kid!
Really? Physically threatened somebody at a wedding? That person needed to be escorted out and taken off the premises by the police.
No no no, I don't think a counselor, at least a good one, would encourage reconciliation. A good counselor would give you guys the tools on how to deal with the emotional fallout.
Kudos to your husband for upholding his vows to put you above all others and let no one come between.
If they come to your home, you call the police immediately.
Bolded and I want to add kudos to your DH for not telling you the whole, hurtful truth of what was said. He is being honorable by protecting your emotions. It may seem like he is being insensitive by not divulging, but actually he is really protecting you from heart ache and pain, which is a very kind and loving action. He's taking the burden on himself, which is a mark of a good man.
Okay. The incident is still fresh and it hurts - but is this worth cutting them out of your lives for? They are his parents, for god's sake.
Have they been like this before? Or was it just the incidents surrounding your wedding? Yes, the issues with your wedding were hurtful and strange, but there are much worse things in life. It's just a wedding, you had a great time, your friends and family had a great time and if they had a crappy time that's on them, not you.
Our wedding was a riot, we had a fantastic time. So did our friends and family. Except for DH's cousin that was physically removed from the premises because she was not invited and showed up anyway. Or the yelling match over a seating arrangement. Or my mother "horrified" and throwing a fit because I did not spend enough time with her family and put my cousins in the back. FIL was released from prison the night before (long, yet funny, story) and there were news cameras outside the venue because of FIL. Another aunt passed out and an Ambulance came. Fantastic night, all around, really.
It was just a wedding, in which some people acted poorly at. We love FIL. My mother has since returned to semi-normal and I never expected an apology or anyone to recognize that they were hurtful, rude or inappropriate. DH is on speaking terms with his cousin again. It's all good.
My point is - why cut them out over this? Why not just distance yourselves a bit? Do the whole "wow, I'm sorry you feel that way. Well, it's over now and we really liked our photographer - would you like me to send you some of the photos? No? No worries. I've got to run, talk to you later" Just brush it off as the opinions of people on things that don't really matter and are already over. Laugh it off, these are just your "crazy inlaws" - there are much worse things in life than people behaving poorly at your wedding.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk