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I messed up- how best to apologize? (esp ladies with OCD/anxiety)
Hi Everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 1 year. We are very in love and committed, but, like many women, I have major insecurity/anixety issues about relationships and my appearance. It borders on OCD. And sometimes that leads me to do things that I later seriously regret.
The thing I struggle with the most is thinking about him finding other women attractive. (We live in a very fashionable city and he works in an industry that is mostly women.) I get that life is filled with beautiful girls, and it's no big deal if he finds them attractive, and I just need to chill and not think about it. But sometimes it haunts me.
So my boyfriend started taking this summer sailing class every Friday evening from 6-9pm. It's really good for him, I'm proud of him for doing it, he's invited me down to meet him after to meet his crew and instructor etc. It's a nice thing, and I want him to enjoy it, and I don't want to let my anxiety ruin it for him. So I'm chilling, I'm supportive, and I'm really proud of myself and both of us. He goes every Friday and does his thing, and I'm encouraging of it and don't ask any questions.
Then, last week, he mentioned that his instructor just broke up with her boyfriend and was like, "Oh yeah, She was saying we should all go dancing together." So my anxiety radar started going off, but I keep calm, and I'm just like, "Oh. That's kind of weird. Okay. . ."
Then, last night, we're driving home and somehow the topic of this woman he used to work with comes up, and I go, "I think she's super pretty." And he goes, "No way. She's not hot. Now, my sailing instructor, SHE'S HOT!"
So I felt really panicked and angry after he said that. And when we got home, I searched his phone for all the emails between them and read them.
I knew there wasn't going to be anything bad there (he's seriously a trustworthy guy) but I was pissed at him for saying that and for stressing me out when I've been trying so hard to be cool and supportive about his sailing. Then I told him I read the emails (also in the heat of anger/arguing), and he, very understandably, was furious.
So there you have it. I really overreacted here and behaved badly. I did apologize, and I thanked him for being patient with me when I get anxious about stuff. And he did forgive me and re-stated that he is totally in love with me. But I know my behavior was wrong and sabotaging, and that seriously freaks me out. I mean, yeah, it was annoying what he said. But I should have been able to just roll my eyes and tell him it was annoying and then move on.
Anyway, can anyone relate or give me advice for dealing/ getting past these kinds of situations?
Re: I messed up- how best to apologize? (esp ladies with OCD/anxiety)
In one fell swoop, you destroyed any trust he had for you. I would not blame him if he called it quits.
How would YOU feel if you said "I think my coworker Steve is really hot! What a body; he's so gorgeous" and then your boyfriend had a look through your phone to see what was possibly up?
Think about it.
Beauty isn't everything --- I just heard this on the radio; there was some study or other and they got this as data: men prefer a great sense of humor and a brain.
And personally, it is all about self confidence. I've seen the heaviest of women with the hottest of boyfriends; we knew a guy who had a jaw deformity. He would not have it repaired. He never had a lack of female company.:)
It's all about self confidence, a sense of humor and smarts.:) That's where it's at.
Yours is a self esteem issue. If your therapist hasn't helped you address it, better find one that does.
I know- I agree with you. It's totally irrational and awful. That's what I'm saying and why I feel so bad. And I am in therapy for this. I just don't want it to ruin my relationship with this amazing man. I am lucky that he is so patient with me. So I was just wondering if anyone had gone through something similar and/or found a way to get through it without alienating their partner.
First of all, not all women suffer from insecurity and OCD. Have you been to a therapist? I think it could really benefit you to talk about WHY you have these insecurities so you don't take them out on your BF.
With all that said, Is this guy really trustworthy? I have to wonder what kind of guy you have attracted if you are really that insecure. Like attracts like.
As you already know, you definitely overreacted. I know it's tempting to go through your SO's texts/emails when it's so readily accessible but you should really do everything you can to avoid doing this in the future. It's an incredible breach of trust.
However, as someone who also struggles with insecurity issues, I also think that he was a little insensitive for saying flat out "oh this woman I spend time with is HOT!" Does he know how worked up you get over things like this? I think you both should sit down and talk about these issues in depth if you haven't already. He can at least back off with readily telling you that he finds other women that he is in regular contact with hot. You should definitely keep working with your therapist to not let these things trigger you, as it is completely normal for men and women to find other people attractive.
I don't know. On one hand, saying his instructor is hot was a bit insensitive. My husband is going bald and I certainly don't make comments about men with great hair, especially in front of him. Maybe he thought it was ok since you made a comment about someone else ?
Now as far as the insecurity is concerned, you have to get it together man. Whatever you are doing obviously isn't working so you need to step it up. I don't know if that means a new counselor, some better reading material or just being able to control your mind and avoiding triggers. Try ways to build your self esteem outside of looks. What do you enjoy ? What are you interested in ? Is there a class you could take ? Do you like cooking, baking, dancing, photography, woodworking, traveling ? What do you bring to the table besides being a pretty face ? Realize that most men are not shallow and will not leave a good woman simply because they found someone " hotter." It just doesn't work like that. In fact, I will probably get flamed for this, but I think most men are pretty simple. As long as you are attractive, are nice to them, have sex with them and can cook a few things, they are happy. Sure the shallow ones and the ones without character will chase after whatever they find to be the most attractive, but those men are the ones you want to stay the hell away from. You certainly wouldn't want to build a future with someone like that.
So stop and think ? Why are you a good catch ? What do you bring to the table ? What makes you an awesome girlfriend ? Why would any man be lucky to have you ?
I agree with this. On the one hand, if your bf knows you struggle with such insecurity issues, then he probably should have known that saying something like that would upset you. But I do feel like you did sort of set him up for that by bringing up someone you thought was very attractive.
DH and I have conversations like this all the time, where I'll point out a woman who I think is gorgeous, and he'll be like, nah, not my type- now X, I think she is hot! And I can definitely be down on myself about my looks, but how I look and how they look isn't really what counts, because it's me he LOVES. I think that's what you need to focus on, that your BF is with you because he loves you. That doesn't change just because he finds other women attractive.
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your comments. And yeah, I think maybe he was feeling "set up" and that's why he lashed out with the sailing instructor comment. I shouldn't open the door to those types of conversations knowing that they usually lead to me feeling triggered and crazy.
My therapist said that me looking through his email and telling him about it was less about snooping and more just about giving him an "F u" because I was angry about his comment. It's not a good or acceptable way to deal with anger, but it wasn't motivated by anything deeper or more suspicious. It's not like I really thought I was going to find anything bad. I just hope I can get my boyfriend to understand that.
He's dealt with control and jealousy issues himself with previous girlfriends, and I think he sometimes projects them onto our relationship. Lord knows I have my issues and sensitivities (clearly) but I am not generally controlling or a "snoop," as he seems to think I am.