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normal or not?
DH and I have been married 8 years, and have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I work as a teacher, so I'm off in the summers. I know that marriages go through ruts and difficult patches, and I know that kids change things - ours most certainly have - but is it normal for me to be the only one that does things around the house and with the kids? My husband typically works M-F, 10 hour days, on the weekends, he will spend the majority of his time watching TV or playin xbox. He'll mow the lawn, if he feels like it, and will almost always make plans to golf on Sunday. He will play with the kids for about 30 minutes when he gets home from work, but once he's done, he's done. He will practically check out in front of the TV. I on the other hand, do everything to keep the house somewhat picked up, take care of the kids' needs, etc, etc.
In the evenings right now, I'll take the kids for walks or to the park, but DH will NEVER go. It's to the point where our 5 year old asks why daddy doesn't ever want to go with us. I'm not sure how to answer, other than say "he's tired"
DH suffers from chronic migraines, ADHD, and has bi-polar disorder. All of which are relatively under control right now, probably about as best as he'll get them under control.
I guess what my problem/worry/fear is, is that I am building up resentment for his laziness when it comes to helping out around the house. Besides the lawn, DH doesn't do anything around here, unless I ask, repeatedly. He'll occasionally clean the bathroom, but that's after I ask several times. He does his own laundry, and while I usually take it out of the dryer, I simply place it in baskets. So there are always baskets of messy clothes on our bedroom floor. I won't fold them anymore because when I do, they're back to being messed up within a day or two, and I find that to be a waste of my time.
I've talked with him, and it doesn't make any difference. He simply says that he works hard and is exhausted, and "I'm the mom" He usually ends up mad, and then turns it all around and makes me feel like poop for bringing it up since he has the mental issues, saying that "he's trying and it's hard, etc."
Well - I'm exhausted too. When school is in, I work hard all day with 25 9 year olds, and then come home and do dinner, bathe our kids, play with them, and then sit down and grade papers/write plans after the kids are in bed. He does give me time to go run, and grocery shop alone, but at times it's not worth it, because I come home and the house is trashed again. The kids are taken care of, but the mess of a house negates that sometimes.
He comes home from work and sits on the chair. He might give the kids a bath if I ask - but he'll only sit in there with them, I usually have to go in and wash them up, get them dressed for bed, etc.
Lately, I, feeling like I don't have a partner in this "Life" that we have built together. I feel that I am doing it all on my own. DH is nothing like he was when we met and fell in love, and quite honestly, at times, I'm not sure that my love for him is there.
Besides talking, what do I do? Just continue working through this rut - if that's what it is, or is this something more??
Sorry for the rambles.
Re: normal or not?
I don't know if it normal, but it certainly isn't fair I wouldn't stand for it. I understand he has mental issues, but that is still not an excuse for his behavior.
I would talk to him and be very direct and blunt and tell him how unhappy you are and this isn't the life he promised you on your wedding day. I would also tell him that you both need to go to marriage counseling no matter what. Don't take no for an answer.
And his other problems are no excuse for this behavior. He's being a first class horse's azz and there is indeed no excuse for what he is doing.
Sit down and think, if H was gone what would change about my life? If yard work is the ONLY thing that would be added, you need to fix it or kick his a$$ out. Being "the mom" doesn't mean you are "the slave". He's "the dad" and should carry the responsibility equally.
Make a chore chart and stick with it. He doesn't do the dishes? Buy plastic for yourself and the kids and look at him. He doesn't mow the grass? Hire someone and sell his Xbox to pay for it. He wants to act like a child? Treat him like one.
thanks ladies!
I just need to work up the nerve to bring all of this up and not be a crying, blubbering fool about it all.
Communication is KEY.
And if he can sit there and just let you pull the entire weight of the household while he sits and does nothing, wow, don't ask me what I think of him.
Good call on selling his precioous items to pay for the chores Junior refuses to do. Yeah, sell whatever your H has and use the money to get a maid in there to start cleaning and cooking and stuff like that.
Let him get up off his azz and do what he is supposed to do with not being asked. Prima donnas are neither welcome or needed by YOU.
I would give him a pass on some things during the summer, because you are home. Some things however doesn't mean all things...especially time with his kids.
Have you made a list and sat with him and explained that these are the things you need him to do for your family EVERY week. Write them down, discuss them and go over each of them together.
Tell him you aren't his mother, nor are you the only caregiver for the family.
I totally agree with magsugar13. I would have been a lot more sympathetic to him IF he at least helped out with housework during the school year when YOU are busy all day at work also.
Unfortunately, I wish I had a magic answer for you. Is he motivated by money? If so, have a blunt discussion with him that either the two of you chip together in childcare and housework when the upcoming school year starts, or you will have no choice but to hire a maid to pick up his slack on the housework because you can't do it all alone. After all, he is too tired but to do anything except "veg" out on the couch all night so he of ALL people should understand that (rolling eyes). Like the other responses, I'm also really concerned and disturbed about the "because you're the mom" attitude.
As for the "I'm too tired to do housework, but magically have plenty of energy for golf every Sunday", Although it galls me to even say this because it's so parent/child sounding, but it would be nice if you could find a slightly more subtle and not so scolding way to say, "No golf until all the chores are done."
It sounds like he thinks that he is a 1950's father. The one who comes home from work, gets a home cooked meal, sees his children and then puts his feet up all night. It soooooo wouldn't be working for me! He is not treating you as a partner at all. In fact, his actions are those of another child which you really don't need. Seems like he isn't even trying... and it is making your life harder, not easier.
Here are a few suggestions:
1- Approach him with "I've been so overwhelmed and I was thinking that since we are in this partnership, you can help with with some things. I just have so much to do and it's exhausting just thinking about it." Then start listing.... Do any of those sound like something you can take off of my list?
2- Use a lot of "I feel..." when talking.
3- Tell him that the kids keep asking where you are when you take them out. Tell him how much they love him and would love to spend more time with him. Tell him that it is so important for them that they feel his love often. If nothing else... he needs to know this. He sounds so checked out.
4- I feel so strongly that Dads know how to do everything for their kids so in your absence they can do it all... he needs to be forced to do a full bath, get them in to bed... do everything and meet their needs.... go away for the day... whatever it takes to make him responsible. They aren't just your kids!
5- He sounds depressed and all of his "illnesses" that aren't in play right now are probably just excuses.... don't buy it.
6- No wonder you aren't sure of your feelings for him...at this point, he isn't doing anything to gain your love. He is taking and not giving. If nothing changes, get him and you into some counseling...and if he won't go, you go and figure how what you want for your life, and for your children. Tell him that the way things are, they aren't working for you... make him see that he could lose you and the kids if things don't change. I'm sure you can't see raising your kids by yourself, but essentially that is what you are already doing.
And as far as normal or not... I think everyone has expectations and boundaries for their marriage... and I know that my expectations are way higher than what your hubby is doing. I know that we thought our communication was great before the kids, but it took a lot of negotiation and talking to figure out how to communicate better and be better to each other while taking care of 1 and now 2 little needy ones. It was a tough adjustment. I know we started talking about this running list I had in my head and he'd ask how he could help. We started talking about our expectations for the day...the have to's and the fun to do's and figuring out how to accomplish what we can. It is hard. But, he has to care, be willing to help and want to do it... change can be especially hard, if you are trying to push an agenda the other person really doesn't want. Good luck.