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I feel like it might be over, and I don't know what to do about it
My husband and I have been in some kind of a relationship for over 9 years. Every year, his entire family (his mother, father, father's girlfriend, and brother) go to concerts, movies, sporting events. Together. Now, his parents have been divorced for a very long time, and despite his mother telling my mom that she and her ex stay in touch 'for the kids' they willingly hang out together. In these 9 years, one of which we were engaged and one of which we were married, I have been invited to one concert. Now, I'm not huge on the sports that his family enjoys, so I don't see it as a huge deal if I'm not invited to that, I find it irksome but not upsetting.
This year, very close to my birthday, there was a concert in town. Once again his entire family got tickets, and they got him a ticket too. He couldn't attend due to a prior obligation. After he was nagged for a few days ("Are you SURE you can't make it?") HE offered me the ticket. This event was discussed plainly and openly in front of me, yet I was not invited, despite my husband's insistence that I'm "always" invited to "everything." I found it rude and hurtful, and it has put a bit of a damper on our relationship lately.
Today, I declined lunching with him and MIL. I know the first thing she would do is pull out her phone to show what she recorded at the concert and to lament the fact that he wasn't there (clearly, this exact sequence has happened before). During conversations like this I don't have anything overly nice to say, so I generally don't say anything, which then leads to the question of why I'm not talking and if I have a problem. Declining this invitation to lunch caused a huge fight. I'm not even sure if he's going to come back.
I don't think that it's wrong of me to wonder if my MIL has an issue with me, because clearly something's up. I just don't even know what to do.
Re: I feel like it might be over, and I don't know what to do about it
At one point he said that his family is starting to think I don't like them, but later admitted nobody had said such a thing. I dutifully go to everything I am invited to, and I try to pleasantly participate and socialize, even when it is a huge family and friends event with many people I do not know.
Today before he left he just said that when his mom asks why I'm not there, he will tell her I think she doesn't like me. Then he stormed out. I mean, it's true, and the last time I told him that I was intentionally not invited to something and he decided to find out so he could say "I told you so," I was the one telling him so, because my instincts were 100% correct.
I think there are two different issues. The first and most important is that your husband seems to be willingly oblivious and slightly immature in this matter in regards to you.
1. He doesn't mind excluding you from numerous family events. Even though he knows that you don't consider yourself invited unless you are literally invited.
2. He replies to your concerns and actions with petulance and defensiveness instead of trying to figure out the issue or try to reach a compromise.
It may seem completely OVERBOARD; but this, to me, indicates an overall character problem that he is unwilling to work with you on, so I can only suggest a serious talk and counseling.
Alot of people balk at the idea of counseling but I think even healthy relationships can benefit from it to help grow and evolve.
The secondary issue is the non communication with your in-laws.
There are basically two kinds of couples; the kind that want limited to no involvement with their in-laws. The 'your parents, your problem' couple.
And then the other side of the coin where spouses want to be involved with in-laws.
It looks like to me that you do want to be involved, at the very least not excluded so blatantly.
If you WANT to have a relationship with your in-laws, then have a conversation with them. That way things won't be laid open to miscommunication.
Let her know in the least abrasive way why you feel as you do and explain your boundaries.
Good luck. My feelings are that this won't resolve until your husband actually tries to listen to you and work with you on this issue. But maybe your inlaws are truly oblivious and once you talk to them they might get a clue and be better than their son when it comes to caring about how you feel
So wait a minute...he went to his family and confirmed that you were intentionally not invited to something and...that was the end of it? Did he ask them why? Did they say why? Did he tell them that for whatever reason, that's unacceptable? It just seems so odd if the conversation ended there...
This whole things seems so weird... At the very least, there's a major breakdown in communication here. Your husband is constantly getting invited to big events without you, and this somehow goes on for years without either of you saying anything---and your husband doesn't even realize there's a problem? I can't wrap my head around this.
THe two of you need to get on the same page about this. You need to make your needs clear without attacking his family, and he needs to be willing to face the problem head on. At the next big event, your husband needs to go to his family and say that you will BOTH be attending. If the family doesn't want you there, then neither of you go. And that's the end of it.
What kind of a guy is this???
He won't come back?
Maybe he'll do you a favor.
What a total and utter lack of character, letting his wife get slighted. He sure hasn't got your 6, that's for sure. Despicable.
I'm confused. Your complaint is that you don't get invited to things. But then you give two examples where you were invited - and the most recent invitation you declined, which is what prompted this fight.
Is it that you aren't invited to the big-ticket expensive events, like concerts and sports games? But you are invited to smaller things, like lunch?
Just curious: when you say "invited" to concerts and sports events, do you mean "mom bought the tickets?" Have you and your husband ever said "we'd both love to come to this one - we'll buy our own tickets?" Has he ever, in any way, shape, or form, asked if you would be welcome at a bigger event? Or are you assuming you are unwelcome, based on the fact that they didn't buy you a ticket?
it just seems weird they they would invite you to lunch but shun you from coming to a concert. But it seems plausible that mom would welcome you at the concert but doesn't want to buy your ticket, like she might for her son.
It also seems plausible that she's picking up on your judgmental atittude about hanging out with her ex husband, and doesn't care to have you around when he's around because of that. You come across as being very negative about that situation.
Lunch was planned by my husband, and no he has never asked if I could join them for events. He has also never told them that he will not go unless I at least receive an invite. As for paying for things, there was a concert he didn't even want to go to, but they bought him a ticket, so he went, and he had to pay for the ticket. They buy tickets together for seating purposes and everyone gets to pay their own way.
I also do not care about his parents hanging out. Really, I find it kind of odd from things she has said about her ex to my mother, but it's their business. Point is- everyone is pressuring us to have kids and start a family. My issue is- my family has never once snubbed him. They have accepted him as part of the family. I have not been accepted into his family, and I have no idea why.
Okay, you have an H problem here. Clear and simple. Since they are buying these tickets and then whoever pays them back, yes they are excluding you. Only your H can tell them to knock it off. Next time they only but him a ticket he needs to not go, not pay them back and explain why. He also should be telling them, I'll need 2 tickets to xy&z for me and the wife. They may not to know & be waiting for HIM to say that you are going. Have you asked HIM that?!?
Why hasn't he ever asked if you can come?
Maybe next time, he could ask? That might be the simplest solution. Either they say yes and the problem is solved, or they say no and you can finally get their problem with you out in the open and (hopefully) have an honest conversation about it.
I would honestly be curious, though, why he hasn't asked. No judgment, just curious.
Your husband has never asked if you can join them? In that case, what did you mean by this: "I mean, it's true, and the last time I told him that I was intentionally not invited to something and he decided to find out so he could say "I told you so," I was the one telling him so, because my instincts were 100% correct."
What did he do there? Because that makes it sounds like he asked if you were invited, and the family said no. WHich I would take as the same thing as asking if you could join.
Again, it seems like there's a real breakdown in communication here, and frankly, I think all of you are guilty. The family should be asking, right off the bat, if you want to join them for events. If they don't ask, your husband should. But something tells me that YOU could probably be handling this in a less argumentitive way, too. Instead of refusing to go to something that you are invited to (like the lunch) be more direct about the things you don't seem to be invited to BEFORE they happen.
When the next thing comes up, tell your husband that you want to go, too. You said he says that you are invited to everything, right? So why doesn't he just tell his family to get a ticket for you, too? If the issue is that he only ever finds out about these events after they've bought a certain number of tickets, he should tell them, "Well, the next time you buy tickets to something, please get one for my wife as well; we want to go together." Is he refusing to even ask?
Until one of you has directly asked the family about this, don't assume that they are intentionally snubbing you. Maybe they're assuming that you're not interested in these events (like you said, you don't enjoy the same sports they do) and would have no problem with you coming along if you wanted to. Either way, your husband needs to ask so you can at least know what you're dealing with.
I'm w/ Greco, I think! "Ditto" everything she's said.
Your DH asks them if you're invited, they say no, and then.... what? Nothing? He doesn't follow that up? He doesn't ask why? He doesn't say "Well, next time I'd like for her to be included"? Nothing?
There is a really weird dynamic here. And this has been going on for NINE years??
I FULLY agree w/ Greco- you all need to just ASK his family about this. You said you don't like sporting events, right? I would almost bet you dollars to donuts that at some point you made a comment about not liking sports, but somehow they heard that as "events" - including concerts. Or maybe you complained about the loud noise. Or.... SOMETHING. I'd bet you somewhere along the way, you - or maybe your DH since he seems to like to speak for people, even if inaccurately - said something that led his family to believe you aren't interest.
It could be completely innocent. But because neither of you will actually REALLY ask them/ talk to them about this- you're getting more and more and more angry and now refusing to go to stuff that you ARE invited to!
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