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Enmeshed Family
Hi all,
My family is very enmeshed. I broke off ties to my mother but, I'd like to re-connect with my other family members. Problem is, they all live across the street from my mother or within a mile radius and my mother has bad mouthed me to the whole crew, I've inadvertently been excommunicated from my extended family. Some cousins posted on Facebook that they missed me yet, when I say "let's get together then" there's no response. I got together once with another family member and she swore me to secrecy that I wouldn't tell anyone else she came to see me because then she would be interrogated to the 9th degree/labeled as a sympathizer for associating with me; haven't heard from her since...
I'd like to get together with family and not have my falling out with my mother reflect on my relationships with others but, it's very difficult when the only times I've ever really gotten together with family is at family functions where my mother will be. I feel like if I call family to get together I will have to explain myself, and when I've done that in the past I've supposedly "hurt" them by telling the truth. People would prefer to just have this issue go away.
Would you suggest I call family I want to re-connect with and just say something like, "you're my family, I'd like you in my life and I don't want my falling out with my mother to come between us?" and then invite them over?
Re: Enmeshed Family
Yes, I think how you phrased it at the end is good.
Then if you are socializing with relatives and they bring it up, just tell them you don't want to discuss it and move the talk onto another more neutral topic.
This.
But you should consider the possibility that the family won't let the subject die. If they continue to bring it up, pressure you to make amends with your Mom, and make you uncomfortable, you might have to let those relationships go too. They don't have to like your decision. But if they want to maintain a relationship with you they have to respect it.
Your mother sounds like a mental case. Perhaps it is best to steer clear of them all, if she has them shaking in their boots like she's a 40 year Navy general and they're a bunch of lowly ensigns. Sorry for your troubles.
I am not trying to be trite, but why are you trying to have a relationship with these people?
Who wants to be friends with someone who cannot stand up to familial pressure from someone who is notoriously BSC?
Make your family. You will feel so much better.
This has happened already, my aunt was harassing me to make amends via e-mail and Facebook so I changed my e-mail address and blocked her. For doing that, my other aunts got mad at me
You're right, I feel like I need to at least give them a chance and I'd like some semblance of family but, if they feel like they can't maintain a relationship outside of her or my grandmother's house then so be it...
What is "BSC"
Thanks Tarpon, it's tough too because my older sister acts like a 6 year old and despite her saying she'd "call me even if she had a bad day" last year, my mother controls her behavior and I haven't heard from her since either...