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unburdoning, need noodly intercessions
(or prayers, for you non-pastafarians 
I recently got an email from my MIL saying that it appears the uterine cancer they had found over 6 months ago has metastasized. ?When they first discovered it, they thought it was stage I, and they did a complete hysterectomy, saw it was just barely stage II but hadn't spread to any lymph nodes. ?So, they did no followup treatment. ?We all breathed a sigh of relief that she'd caught it so early, and it was such an easy organ to deal with.
So, this email, she told me she was in the ER (with no explanation of why. ?She's rather terse sometimes), and they think they saw a spot in her lung and liver during the CT scan (those are the 2 common sites of metastasis with this particular, and many other, cancers). ?But they don't meet with a specialist until Tuesday. ?Now, I know we don't have any results yet, but that's really kind of a big deal. ?Like it catapults her from a stage that has an 80% survival rate to 5%. ?
BUT she hasn't told H. ?She didn't tell me not to, but she also didn't tell me to pass along the information. ?All she said about it is that it might help him get out of the military if that's what he wants to do. ?Always a mom, helping her kid ?I don't think I'm going to tell him until we have more definite results. ?I don't like not telling him, but there's nothing he can do other than get freaked out. ?He can't come home, we don't have anything more than speculation at this point, and he's over busy and over tired enough as it is.
Do you think not telling him is the right thing? ?My mom agrees with me, and her dad died of liver cancer just over a month ago, so the issue is fresh in her mind. ?My dad disagrees, and his wife (my mom) died of colon cancer 21 years ago. ?If this is for real, I am really scared about how I'm going to support H when I have a feeling I'll be flashing back to my issues as a kid with a cancered dying mom. ?That's no way to be supportive of him!
I'm not really sure why I'm sharing. ?I just feel like I have to tell someone since that's kind of a big secret to keep from H, even if it's only for a few days, and we don't get a chance to talk everyday anyway.?
Re: unburdoning, need noodly intercessions
I'm so sorry about your MIL, sibil. You're in a tight spot.
While I understand the decision not to tell your H, I am wondering -- what would happen if something happened to her before you were able to tell him? He would feel helpless and angry, and I imagine, very upset that you knew and didn't tell him. I know it's a "what if", but I would have serious regret if that were to happen, so I'd probably tell him now. I would want to know, for sure, even if there were nothing I could do. Surely there is *something* -- he could call or write more often, or just generally be supportive from afar...
Just my two cents. Thinking of you and your family...
Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I agree with soprano. I think your H would want to know. I am sure it's scary and horrible for her, but I think it's best having everyone know all the facts. She also didn't say NOT to tell, so I would.
Again, I am so sorry and I hope she will be alright.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
My MIL has cancer and based upon our personal experience, I would think the better choice is to tell your DH. If the roles were reversed, I don't think I could ever forgive DH for not telling, particularly if something were to happen before I could see my mother again.
And FWIW, I am dreading trying to support DH after MIL passes. How on earth does anyone do that? There's not a single thing I'll be able to do but stand by and watch. So I feel for you on that count.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
How long are you talking about before the results are back? If it's only a couple days, I would not tell your H. If it's going to be longer than that, I would tell him.
I'm so sorry for your family and the tough spot you are in.
I'm sorry to hear about your MIL, Sibil, and hope that there's something the doctors can do.
I agree with everyone -- if I were in your H's position I'd still want to know, and I think he has that right. I understand that his mom and you want to protect him and make things easier, but he shouldn't have that decision made for him.
Sending some atheist good thoughts your way.
((((Sibil))))
My thoughts are with you and your family.
I don't see what difference a week makes in telling him and that's what we are talking about - not if to tell him but when.
I'm so sorry for all of this. I'm sorry for your husband. I'm sorry for you. Having to relive all of this can't be anything but excrutiating.
Actually, you know, it might possibly be an opportunity for healing for you. As you think about what your husband might need, also think about what you as a kid would have loved to have. It won't necessarily be the same thing and I know you can't go back in time, but you can have conversations with young you that you wish someone had with you back at the time.
And allow your husband to support you, too. Grief can be so all-consuming. He must feel helpless with his mom, not being able to do anything for her. But being able to help you through this, to feel like he's actually helping, actually making things a little easier for you, might ease his burden some.
I'm so sorry for your family and will certainly send noodly intercessions.
I am so sorry that your MIL is going through this. Cancer is a big, giant, ***. It is perhaps one of the scarier illnesses. It's the uncertainty that is torture.
When my mom's primary doctor first felt a strange growth in her lower abdomen, I was 2 weeks away from my first year law school finals and about 1 month away from being completely done with the semester. She told me anyway even though at that point in time she was not sure if it was a cancerous growth or not. A few days later we found out it was indeed cancer. And she had stage 2 colon cancer and needed immediate surgery. I am so thankful that they didn't keep this from me despite the hell I was enduring due to school. Having this information in hand, I was able to make an informed decision about where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with her. So I flew home.
If something had happened to her and I hadn't known about the cancer and I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye (she survived/is surviving thank god!) I would have been eternally mad, sad, livid, angry, and pained.
All this is to say that yes, he should know now. He has the right to decide how to proceed with this news.
Again, I'm so sorry for your family. You have all my good thoughts.