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more divorce venting
I need to vent again, please. And also need some sense smacked into me and I know you fabulous women are the ones to do it. 
So, I did email the Ex to let him know that I cannot watch his dog while he's out of the country. We IM-ed back and forth about it but other than that we haven't been in contact. I'd been doing so well these days and had been angry rather than sad, which I'm assuming is a natural part of grieving and all.
But recently I've been thinking a lot about the Ex getting a new girlfriend/ fuckbuddy and it's been driving me crazy. I have no reason to believe he hasn't moved on (although I have no proof either way) -- why would he stay faithful now when he didn't bother while we were still together? IThe thought of him being with someone now bothers me more than his cheating during the marriage does.
The fact that I'm lonely and working through my issues while he could be off having a ball and having fun with some new chick is crazy-making. I know I'll be better off in the long run but the short run sucks.
Re: more divorce venting
I have no advice or smacking, but you have my thoughts and sympathy. It would be driving me crazy, too. I think what you're feeling is totally and completely normal.
Are you still entertaining the possibility of reconcilation? Does he think so?
Also,
(((((((Brookles))))))))
Even if he does have a "buddy" now, he's definitely not having tons of fun - even if he is convincing himself he is. F*ck buddies are a dumb, selfish, and emotionally draining relationship to have. He's just going to sink lower and lower into that downward spiral until he realizes that. I feel sorry for him - that he hasn't figured out how empty he is making his life. He has no true love or trust in his life. That's pitiful.
You're going to end up better on the other end, and you hvae to keep reminding yourself of that. ?You're going to focus on refiguring yourself out and finding fulfillment. ?That's far more important that someone else getting some empty action. ?
Of course, empty action can be fun, and you might want to consider it for yourself. ?You'd be surprised at how healing NSA sex with a decent person can be.
?At the very least, treat yourself to a nice large order from adamandeve or from babeland.?
So my monitor now has water spewed all over it. Leave it to Sibil!
He is not worth it! By dwelling on him - he's winning! I know it is easier said than done but put it out of your mind and focus on you. It's all about you! Say it with me, "It's all about Brookles" screw him, "It's all about Brookles!"
He's a loser! Hit him where it hurts the most - his wallet, alimony baby, alimony! So maybe a little on the vengeful side but the message is still the same - he is the one who f*cked up royally and lost the best thing that ever happened to his pathetic self; you don't need or want him!
my read shelf:
He may be having fun right now, but as pps have said, that is not going to be fulfilling long-term. Until he deals with his issues, which you have indicated he is not, he is likely to repeat this cycle over and over again. I don't think you want that life.
I also think Sibil's suggestion is a great one! Take care of YOU right now. You rock, Brookles, and don't you forget it.
Thanks, gals.
Not anymore... if he'd shown any chance of working on his problems I might have considered it, but he went to one therapy session and didn't do another thing I said I'd need him to do, so that's out. He knows how I feel about it. It's sad that he's not willing to make the effort but it makes it easier on me I guess, because I don't feel conflicted.
I think that a rebound fling would be good for me, but unfortunately I don't know anyone to fling with. I have absolutely no single friends or access to single people, it seems. My New Year's resolutions will definitely be to get out and do some new activities to try to meet new people.
This is good to hear-- I need to keep repeating it to myself.
Hehe, thanks MW. I knew I could count on you for an lol-y comment.Yes, it's definitely coming to that!
Unfortunately if anyone were to get alimony it would be him, based on our incomes. I just want to put this behind me, so we're filing for a no-fault divorce just to get it over with.
Thanks, bridey. Always good to hear. These are the smacks I need!
As hard as it might be to recognize, the fact that you've got multiple emotional reactions going on right now is good, and you're getting through. You're a strong and admirable woman, and I'm glad to "know" you. We are all always here for you.
(((((Brookles)))))
Don't worry, you'll be the one laughing when he ends up with gonorrhea and chlamydia.
Also, you might consider adding him to the database at www.dontdatehimgirl.com
Ditto sugr & lyss - it may sound like a good time, but he clearly has major issues if he's pleading to get you back and can't stop himself long enough to try. That's about him & his problems - not you. This is just more of him trying to make up for his emotional issues with sex, which may look fun from the outside, and may even be fun for the short term, but in the long run you are the one who did what was right for you and he isn't even capable of that.
zombie hugs to brookles!!
((((hugs))))
Long run - he isnt going to have a happy life going on the way he is going - he wont! You know this. It may be that you are hurting more right now... but that is because a) somehting was done TO YOU b) you are a good person who loves and wants to be loved and knows what a normal relationship should be - he is not c) for him the realization of what he lost make come slowly... for you, you are dealng with the pain more intensley right now... but then you will be able to move on, where he will only be able to look back at you with shame and regret.
(((hugs))) and GOOD JOB with saying no about the puppy
I just want to say a huge DITTO to everything PGH just said.
I spent yesterday helping a friend move her stuff out of her cheating ex-boyfriend's place. (Yes, the H and I did this in windchills of 30 below. Yes, we deserve medals.) They weren't married, but they did live together for several years, and I feel like I am watching her go through every emotion you're experiencing right now. It's HARD. She's mad at him for cheating, she's annoyed with how much of a jerk he's been about break-up stuff, she's living alone for the first time in ages (maybe ever), she's sad about the loss of the relationship, and yet she still loves him. It sucks. But like you, I think she's dealing with the emotional fallout of the breakup already while her ex is not.
I mention this just to let you know that you are not alone. I thought of you a lot yesterday while we were moving stuff. It's really hard. But I know that you will come through this. Things will get better. And I think making a resolution to meet more people in 2009 is a great one!
I went through the same thing with ex-H. Even though I wanted the divorce since he was an abuser and drug addict. He found somebody first and it really galled me. He was the loser. Why should he get to move on first? It was hard even though I didn't want him back. I felt it was really unfair to me.
I was in counseling to get my self-esteem back but even with that it took a while to get over some of the bitterness and hurt. My counselor kept telling me ex-H was still the same and not working on changing for the better (not for me but for himself) so even if he had moved on, he still was a loser and his problems were not going away.
He ended up marrying his rebound woman who was young enough to be his damn daughter. Two kids later and a messier marriage than we had, he is divorced again. And still a loser.
The positive side for me is now I am the good ex-wife! She was a real nut case who it turned out had been fooling around on him the whole time. While they were married I actually felt sorry for her because she took more abuse than I had. Oh I warned her too before she married him but she was sure he had changed. Well she learned quickly he hadn't. And still hasn't.
As for me, I was like you with not many single friends so it was hard to go out and meet someone. I did have a f*buddy who lived accross country so we hooked up a couple of times right after but then I remember going for like 8 months with no sex or even dates. It was probably close to 2 years before I got involved with someone else on a regular basis.
The time single gave me a chance to really work on my own issues and to be happy with myself. If I would have never met DH I know that life alone would not have been the worse thing that could happen. Not that I think you will end up alone! But everything has a way of turning out for the best in the end. It is just a lot of bumpy roads to get there!
He's not moving on. He is in the same, sad, downward spiral he's been on for a very long time.
Losers find other losers. There is no shortage out there of damaged people, unfortunately, and they find each other. Much easier not to think to just work//drink/eat/snort too much to stuff down the pain.
Keep on doing the incredible work you are doing. Take a break when you need to, take care of yourself.
Keep venting!
Ditto everyone else and (((hugs))). Just remember, YOU are doing the right thing by working on yourself and becoming a confident, happy single lady.
Jumping in to another relationship (whether it is a fvck buddy or long term) is just avoiding his issues. Feel sorry for the next gal he comes across and know that you deserve much, much better.
Long Term - You are going to have a great wonderful life and he is not.
The short term part is hard. Just take it day by day. Or hour byr hour, minute by minute if you have too. Take time for yourself and do things to make yourself happy. Don't waste your time thinking about him. He isn't worth it - don't give him that power!
You are going to be great!
Nope, he's in school and works at a restaurant at night. And sadly, he'd probably think it was funny/wouldn't be mortified as intended.
{{hugs}}
Ditto everyone else. Even if he finds someone, he will be avoiding his issues and will come out even poorer for it. You are going through the normal stages of hurt and loss and will come out even better for it. I wish you nothing, but the best and always feel free to vent away.
Have nothing new to add, but I wish you peace. It will all work out as it is supposed to work out.
(((((hugs))))))