Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
not to bring anyone down, but help/
Tickers are too amusing for this to be the follow-on post. ?But, I have to ask for help anyway.
H's mom just found out she has advanced cancer. ?She was supposed to have stage 1 back in June, and they operated, declared her clear, didn't even do follow up chemo. ?Now it's spread, and it really really doesn't look good. ?I found out on my lunch break yesterday, and wouldn't you know it, the afternoon lecture was on cancer. ?(This is why my dinner was margaritas).
I'm kind of the in between point person, which I'm happy to do, but I need suggestions on how to do it well.
H is probably going to be coming back in the next couple weeks (yay! ?Even if it's a depressing reason!). ?He won't be in Denver with me, but I'll get to see him and maybe even spend a couple days with him.
Does anyone have suggestions on how best to support my husband and MIL? ?I've seen the cancer thing as a kid, so I don't have a full understanding of being an adult. ?I'm really hopeful I won't have problems dealing with this, but I'm not confident. ?I'm afraid it will bring back too many memories of my mom dying from cancer. ?I think I can suck it up, but I'm not certain.
It's just so hard to support H when he's available by phone and email. ?I can't blame him for not opening up when he's so impotent where he is. ?When he leaves, he won't be replaced, so he's worried about work which is probably his way of avoiding the issue. ?Besides, whenever he calls, he's basically in public, so it's not like he'll really open up in that setting. ?Who can open up over the phone anyway?
What can I do for his mom? ?I figure I can get her crazy wigs and stuff like that, but I'm trying to think of how I can help her stay occupied in all the bed ridden time. ?She's a workaholic, so this is going to be difficult for her. ?Art projects? ?Books? ?I don't know. ?WWYD?
Re: not to bring anyone down, but help/
This must be really hard for you. I can't really offer a lot of advice for you but as far as entertainment goes: books (audio and regular), crossword puzzles and other puzzles along those lines would be my suggestion.
my read shelf:
I'm sorry - that's awful! Especially for your DH, who is so far away. I've never delt with cancer, so can't speak to that. But I think it's great that you want to do something. Is MIL here? I'm sure visits will be greatly appreciated. Books are good, but I think they get old after a while (unless there's some really compelling series you can get her into.....Twilight, anyone?) I like the idea of art projects, too. Maybe needlepoint or watercolors or something? I might try a variety of things to see what she likes - she may not even know what she'd like if she's been really focused on work. She may discover a hidden talent or passion. Another good (and really involved) project would be to get her started on photo books. I wouldn't be surprised if she has shoe boxes full of photos. You could get them digitized for her and she can play with them on a laptop and arrange them into photo books. When I did my wedding album (seems like eons ago) I used MyPublisher, but I know there's lots of options available. There's also a freeshare program called GIMP - it's like photoshop, but free, so she can fix flaws, do crazy effects, that sort of thing.
Again - sorry to hear!
Anything you can achieve through hard work, you could also just buy.
I don't have much experience with losing someone to cancer, but I didn't want to read and not comment.
I think that all you can do for your H is make sure he knows that you are there to listen. Don't push him to open up, but make it clear that you're there to listen no matter what, any time of day or night. It's unfortunate that you already know what it feels like to lose someone close, but I'm sure it's helpful to him to know that you've been through it.
My thoughts are with you, your H and MIL.
The pictures are a good idea, but I don't know that she has pictures. ?Most of H's childhood stuff was lost somewhere when they were living in China, and she's never struck me as the camera weilding nurtuing mom type. ?Probably that's why I get along with her.
She does have a laptop, an old one, but it works. ?Maybe H and I should get her a new one and get her addicted to chat boards
?Or WoW.
H and I just can't see her being at home. ?She has a bajillion degrees, has done every job in the world it seems (seriously, she worked on an oil rig in AK, ran a factory in China, is a lawyer for the state, etc). ?I just don't see her settling down to some watercolors. ?Finger painting, maybe. ?At least she has my dog as a therapy pet. ?My dog is good for that.
I could see her volunteering. ?Maybe a big brother big sister thing or something like that.
H might be her within a week. ?I can't believe that. ?Well, here meaning in AZ, but that's close by!?
I'm so sorry, Sibil. I don't have any advice, but just supporting, being available, etc is probably the best.
So sorry for your family!
Anything you can achieve through hard work, you could also just buy.
I'm really sorry to hear about your MIL.
I think the other pp's gave some good advice. All you can do is get her some things to do or make suggestions but in the end she is going to have to deal with this in her own way. If you have a good relationship with her, just being available to talk to her will be best. Let her vent as much as possible to you. This will help DH alot in a way too because it is going to be more difficult for him to deal with her emotions while he is dealing with his own.
As for DH, you can only let him know you are there in whatever way he needs. Men can be funny when it comes to things like this. They tend to emotionally shut down and withdraw rather than open up like us women love to do.
I'm so sorry Sibil. Like the others, I don't have much advice - I am absolutely awful with support, it makes me really uncomfortable and I don't know what to do, so while I'm the last person you'd want to get advice from, I sympathize with not knowing what to do but wanting to do something.
I think letting them both know you're available does a lot. Meganne's right, men are funny with things like this, but knowing you'll be there if/when he needs you goes a long way.
I'm pulling for you guys.