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Twilight plotline, as understood via a t-shirt

http://blog.cafepress.com/2009/01/08/twilight-plotline-as-understood-via-a-t-shirt/

Twilight t-shirtConfession: I have not read the ?Twilight? books, and I have not seen the ?Twilight? movie.  So I?m pretty much in the dark when it comes to the nuts and bolts of ?Twilight.?  But with so many fans making so many interesting ?Twilight? t-shirts, I have to admit that I?ve become intrigued by the story at this point.

Being so intrigued, I decided to take a deep dive into the half-million fan-created Twilight products to see whether I could piece together the plotline of the ?Twilight? series, thus saving me the time of reading 4 books or spending 2 hours in a movie theater.  (Those of you who are ?Twilight? fans are more than welcome to e-mail or comment to let me know whether or not I?m on the right track.)

Here?s what I?ve figured out so far:

Edward Cullen t-shirtEdward Cullen is a teenage vampire and in love with the brunette Bella Swan, who seems to be new to town and is not, from what I can tell, a vampire.  Edward lives in Forks, Washington.  He is a baseball player, and I?ll go out on a limb and guess that he?s a handsome and popular baseball star who drives the ladies of Forks wild.  (He certainly drives the t-shirt makers of the world wild - Edward has more shirts than anyone else.)  He thinks that Bella is exactly his ?brand of heroin(e).?  He has a silver Volvo and is apparently known for some reckless driving here and there.  (Perhaps there was a fender bender escaping evil and saving Bella?)

Forks WA t-shirtEdward sparkles in the sunlight.  I?ll take this to mean that all the vampires sparkle in the sunlight, and that this is why they live in the rainy, rainy town of Forks.

Edward is a broody kind of guy, which is what happens when you?re immortal and in love with a mortal and full of teen angst and living in a gloomy climate all at the same time.  So Edward is somewhat of an Emo vampire, which pretty much fits with most vampire temperaments I suppose.

Jacob Black is a main character, is a werewolf and is a Quileute - whatever that is.  Is it a town?  A tribe?  A school?  I?m not sure.  He seems to attend La Push High School, so I?m guessing La Push is a (coastal?) town next to Forks and Quileute is some sort of werewolf breed.  Since I think he goes to a different school, I?ll guess he?s a rival baseball player and became friends with the vampires out of their common bond of immortality (are werewolves immortal?) and/or otherworldy-ness.  I?m not sure, but he?s popular with the t-shirt folks and I?m guessing that means he?s not an outright villain, and that he?s pretty darn dreamy when he?s not looking like an oversized rabid dog.

Twilight t-shirtsEmmett Cullen t-shirtOther characters in the movie are listed in the design on the left.  From what I can tell, they?re coupled out like this: Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Rosalie (she?s a very pretty blonde, apparently), Carlisle and Esme.  Emmett Cullen is also a vampire and is most likely Edward?s brother (unless he?s a cousin - not as many shirts about him as about Alice, which means he?s a more minor character), but it also seems that he transforms into a monkey.  Hmm.  Maybe he just has a monkey; whether vampires can transform into monkeys is beyond my scope of knowledge.  Carlisle Cullen is a doctor and a lot of Cullen family crests come up under his name, so I?ll guess that Carlisle and Esme are Edward?s parents.

Jasper Hale t-shirtEdward?s baseball team also has some players on it that he pals around with - namely Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale.  I?ll assume that Alice is his sister, and that this means that she?s a vampire.  She?s also apparently somewhat quirky and small in stature, and can be annoying to some fans.  Jasper - who is apparently from Texas - may or may not be a vampire, since his main characteristic seems to be that he?s a mellow guy.  His birth was apparently dramatic and involved a war and death, so perhaps he?s just a hang-loose kind of vampire not interested in showing off his sparkliness.

There?s some other designs that lead me to believe that the Cullens all drive fast, somebody drives a red BMW, and a yellow Porsche was stolen by Edward from someone he knows, probably to whisk Bella away from certain death.  Someone is also covered in feathers at some point, and I?ll guess that Bella was the victim of a teenage prank from someone either (a) in love with Edward (b) upset that she?s not immortal like the rest of the cool kids or (c) both.

That?s about all I?ve pieced together - I?ll assume that there?s some epic battles of good and evil, a love triangle or two, and the general family drama that occurs when a teenager brings home a new flame that doesn?t fit in with the family?s idea of good breeding.  (In this case, Bella?s unfortunate status as a mere mortal.)

forks, washington t-shirtSo, I?m thinking ?Twilight? is sort of a ?My So-Called Life? mixed with a little ?Harry Potter? and Anne Rice, with a dash of ?Guess Who?s Coming to Dinner? - all set in the lovely (and very real) town of Forks, Washington.

At some point I?ll have to end the suspense and read these books, but for now reading the t-shirts is at the very least giving me the Cliffs Notes version.

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Re: Twilight plotline, as understood via a t-shirt

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