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Need advice-parent/baby drama
I am sitting here in tears after getting off the phone with my father. ?I am due at the end of February and as early as last summer my dad told me there was only one time period in the entire spring that they could come visit us and the baby (they live about six hours away) due to his work schedule. He is generally pretty inflexible about things like this and expects my sister and I to just sort of bend to his will. ?We got into an argument before my wedding because he was making a huge deal out of having to take an afternoon off to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. ?Anyway, that's all just background. ?So, ever since that first conversation he's been making an issue out of the fact that there really is just this one weekend (in early March) they could come and, as a result, the baby better be born by then. ?
I have made it clear to my parents on more than one occasion that when they do come they will need to stay elsewhere, especially if they are coming just several days after the baby is born. ?My folks, especially my dad, are extremely demanding house guests. ?They are very particular when it comes to food, what tv gets watched, the texture of their towels, noise, the temperature of the water, etc. ?We live in a pretty small space in the city and there are always issues with parking, how far they have to walk, etc. ?Again, they are just completely unable to go with the flow. ?I can handle it for a couple of days generally, but the last thing I want to deal with when I am a few days postpartum is that kind of nonsense.
So today on the phone my dad started talking about parking (his concern was about having to pay for parking) when they come to stay. ?I was like "Hold up, we need to discuss those arrangements." ?I explained (again) that I don't know what kind of condition I will be in and that I likely won't be up to hosting guests that soon after the baby is born and so I would like them to consider staying with other friends or at a hotel. ?My dad is also extremely cheap and hates paying for hotels. ?So, he didn't take that well. He claimed that I had never broached this before (not true, I did so just over Thanksgiving) and that he resented the implication I was making that he and my mom wouldn't be helpful. ?He also accused me of playing favorites because my sister will stay with us when she comes to visit. ?I kept trying to reiterate that this was about us getting on a schedule with the baby, about my comfort level and me not wanting to play hostess when I have a newborn baby just home from the hospital. ?
I worry now that I should have just been more firm, aka "You will not be staying here." ?Should we just offer to pay for a hotel? ?I did talk to my mom after the conversation with my dad and she was more understanding, but she is not good at standing up to him so I don't expect her to try to convince him to defer to my wishes.
Can I also just vent about the fact that he asked me nothing about how I was feeling or how the baby was doing in the entire call except to ask if I thought I would deliver on time?!?!?!? ?Ugh. ?
I've had a strained relationship with my folks for years and have managed (mostly by living several hours away) to manage things pretty well and take it all in stride, recognizing that they are who they are and aren't going to change. ?But this whole situation has just left me with bruised feelings. ?
I'd appreciate any advice from other moms about how you have managed the houseguest issue and any advice about how to handle "problem" parents.?
Re: Need advice-parent/baby drama
I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had a better answer, but all I can say is just to stand your ground and do NOT let them stay with you. Having to deal with houseguests, let along difficult houseguests, at that time is the last thing you need. If there was ever a time you should not feel bad about being selfish, this is it. You need to put YOUR (and by extension your baby's) needs first and everyone else is just going to have to understand that for now.?
I would suggest just having a few standard sentences "I'm afraid I just can't have you stay with us, but here are a few hotels close by" and "I'm sorry you feel that way, Dad" to keep repeating over and over again if necessary.
Again, sorry you are dealing with this. ((hugs)) ?
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. How exhausting for you.
How well does your sister get along with them? Perhaps she could talk to them and help them see that her staying with you is more to do with the timing of her visit than anything else. Maybe having a third party communicate with them about how stressed you will be and how much better this will be for the baby might help them see that it's not just you being difficult, but that this is really a valid concern.
Otherwise, I'd try to flip thing around and tell them that you'd rather they be in a hotel because they will be more comfortable. The baby will be crying, the house will be messy, and you, your husband, and the baby will all be sleep deprived. Since your place is small, they won't be able to watch TV because it will just be too noisy. You dont' want them to feel as though they can't relax and watch TV, and get a good night's sleep, etc.
If nothing else works, I'd just pay for a hotel. Probably not an expense you want right now, but you can probably find a reasonable deal on travelocity or something, and a few hundred bucks will probably be worth the piece of mind.
Good luck!
the only thing I can think of - is maybe it would be easier for you all to go visit them? How far away are they? If it would just be one day of traveling, it might be worth it if they can't get over the hotel thing if it means them seeing the baby.
It sounds like your relationship is already strained with your father as it is. You do not need to have that around you while recently post partum. The others have given you excellent advice. Do NOT bend. If you don't want them staying with you, don't allow them to stay with you. Look out for you and baby first.
I'm not at all gentle with people who should know better than this. If it were me, I would say something like "If this is going to put you out more than you're comfortable with, I would understand if you can't come this March. We'll look forward to hosting you in the summer."
Sorry you are dealing with difficult parents, especially at this time when you could use their support
If it were me, I would try to put off difficult visitors. I am kind of a hermit, though. It took me 2 days to even call anyone. The plus side of waiting is you'll have as much time as you need to recover physically and emotionally. And if you make the drive out to your parents, newborns sleep pretty well in cars.
Also, if they calm down and wanna re-discuss it at any point, I would try to re-phrase things from their point of view. So say things like "well, the house is going to be a mess, I'm not gonna wanna go out, I am not gonna be able to get your guest room ready, etc., etc., etc., - list things that they wont like about staying with you and make your house sound really unappealing, lol. Then, list all the ways they will benefit from being in the hotel: "I thought that you'd really appreciate having a hotel room instead, so that you would have fresh towels and set the temps at what you like and you would know the sheets and fresh and we wont be waking you up at all hours of the night with the baby being fussy and you can get a good breakfast, etc., etc.,"