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I'm a stray over here, but thought you could help me out
Yesterday, I posted (on another board) about my mom struggling to accept my sister's homosexuality.
Last night, my parents invited DH and I to dinner. I knew they wanted to talk about it and get input from us.
There are 2 major issues my parents are dealing with regarding sister: homosexuality & her financial state. (She basically lied to my dad, owes him $$$$$, lies to them, etc)
Basically, my mom isn't ready to give up on sister, still has faith in her (more about the $$$) but is still a bit in denial about sister
Dad is so angry about both situations. I think his feelings on both situations compound his feelings. But he said that sister is basically dead to him. He doesn't see her as his daughter, just a person (
), and he read the Bible, trying to make heads or tails of it. He believes she will go to hell, is godless, etc. My Dad says her lifestyle goes against every thing he has ever known and believed in. He said he thinks eventually she will come around.....he truly believes it's a choice
Dh and I talked to them about how if it were a choice, why would she deliberatly choose a harder path, that she's always been this way, they just now know it about her, etc. It's been hard to watch them deal with it.
I asked my Dad if he will ever come to a point where, he may not agree, understand or condone it, but will love her because she is his child......my Dad teared up. He never cries. I can count on 2 fingers how many times I've seen him cry.
Anyway, I guess from you, can you help me come up with ways to talk to them? I know that I can't (and I don't intend) to change how they feel, but perhaps help them get to a point where they can be ok with it.
Can you recommend any books on faith & homosexuality I can refer to them. I told them about websites, and they refuse to go......not sure why.
tia! (sorry this ended up being so long)
Re: I'm a stray over here, but thought you could help me out
It can be really hard for parents. When I came out to my parents, they were mad/angry/hurt/disappointed/shocked/etc. And they were mean. Down right, nasty and hurtful. That lasted a few months and gradually they came around once they saw that I was really the same person who didn't change (I think one of my dad's biggest fears was that I was going to start being butch. :P) they started being civil.
Nearly 10 years later, all is fine. Is it what they would have chosen for me? No, probably not. But they come visit us, we go see them, they love their grandchildren (and this was after they told me that they hoped I never had kids because I was gay), and treat us like the family that we are. I know we are fortunate and that not all parents come around - but your dad may still come around. How he feels now, isn't how he'll necessarily feel in 6 months or 6 years.
As for books, What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality is a good one.It is an easy read and isn't overwhelming.
Good luck!
I would say you need to give them time. My parents are great now but it was little rough with my Mom and I when I came out. It took a little adjustment for her to get her head around it and my parents are Unitarians and have gay friends. She needed to get a new dream for me.
Also I think since they are so mad at your sister right now about the $ it is hard to know how they are really feeling about her being gay. I would encourage them to keep an open mind and to also try to get through the $$$ issue before dealing with the gay part.
Good Luck
The Good Book, by Peter Gomes
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Book-Reading-Bible-Heart/dp/0380723239
I am so glad your sister has you. Having at least one supportive family member is SO important, and a sibling is wonderful. In my wife's family there are really only two supportive people - her cousin and cousin's husband. Even that makes a difference. Her aunts/uncles, parents, sisters, etc. are very conservative and after she came out, basically got together and decided that they wanted to maintain a relationship with her, even though they think she's going to Hell and all that. I hope that your parents come to the same conclusion. We have been together for almost 9 years and everyone is civil to me when I come for holidays, and they keep in contact with my wife and still treat her as a member of the family. I hope that your sister has, or will have, a partner with a supportive family. That helps enormously too. ?
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wow, that's a really tough situation. i was very lucky to have a family that was open and accepting. my parents have had gay and lesbian friends for as long as i can remember and have always been very vocal in their support. when i came out, and my sister a few years later, there was never any doubt that they'd be anything but supportive.
my wife, on the other hand, grew up outside of a small town, where her parents still live. when her mother found out, she swore my wife and her sister (who is also a lesbian) to secrecy. they had many issues when they finally did come out, including her dad threatening to divorce her mother--although that had more to do with the fact that she had known for a while and he was angry with her for keeping it a secret. it's been at least ten years since they came out and their parents still struggle. although they've come a long way they weren't able to bring themselves to come to our wedding--but they have made significant progress.
keep your parents updated on how your sister is doing. get in touch with your local pflag group, and see if there's one in their area. you won't know until you check, i was surprised to find that there's actually one in my wife's hometown. even if there isn't one in their area your local chapter will have resources that can help. if your parents won't go on the internet print things out for them to send or give to them. and let your sister know she has your support, at least in terms of her sexuality. tell her. it's important for her to know she has an ally in the family, and even if you think she knows or you've told her before, say it again if you can. coming out can be a very emotional and lonely time and the reactions of your family can make you question things that you never thought you would, even when you don't get that kind of reaction.
i think the biggest thing to keep in mind is that your parents are, in a sense, grieving. they have to give up the idea they had of who she was and see her how she is. that can be really difficult for a parent to do, especially if who she is goes against everything they've been taught and believe.
in terms of books, i second the recomendation of what the bible really says about homosexuality. there's also jesus, the bible, and homosexuality, which i haven't actually read but have heard really good things about. i wasn't a fan of the children are free, so i personally wouldn't recommend that one.
i hope for the best for your family! good luck, and feel free to stray back any time.