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my vent for today...sharing parenting duties
I'm starting to think that this is a dream, just not possible, so please someone tell me that I'm wrong.
I'm thinking that no matter what the intentions of both parents are, one parent ends up doing most of the work. I'm seeing this even in families where finances allow both mom and dad to stay home. *sigh*
We're going on vacation for 2 mos on Friday. I'm starting to wonder how much of a vacation this will be for me, though. Is it possible that despite our pre-vacation conversations on roles and duties, that I will still end up being the one who gets the stroller, the diaper bag, food, bottles, etc..ready, still the one who eats cold restaurant food because I'm feeding, tending, etc., still the one who reads the nap cues, remembers to clean the bottles? Oy vey!
So someone tell me that it is possible to share and how you did it. My husband is a great daddy and all, but just doesn't jump in there and handle it, you know?
Re: my vent for today...sharing parenting duties
my read shelf:
Has he *had* to be the primary caregiver ever, even just for a day?
MH was an awful lot like this until I was super sick one day... I could barely leave the bathroom. After that, it was like it all of a sudden dawned on him that he was capable of taking Sophie himself. Since then, things have been somewhat more evenly split here.
But. yes, I still have to remind him to do things sometimes. Are you a SAHM? When H and I went on vacation, I told him before we left that the only way I'd have a vacation is if he took over most of what I do SAH with Sophie. We went when Sophie was still BFing every 2 hours, so there was really only so much he could do... but on vacation, he was in charge of her baths, her bedtime routine, and he took her out by himself for an hour every day so I could read.
Good luck. It's really hard trying to figure out how to shift parenting duties from one to the other, especially when the LO is used to one parent doing specific things. But it can be done.
ETA: you're going on vacation for two whole months?! wow! Also, even if it feels like you're doing most of the things at the beginning, take every opportunity to point out - ok, she's telling us she's tired. This is what she does when she's hungry. YH may just not recognize her cues for what they are, but with 2 months of immersion learning - he'll be a pro by the end of your vacation.
My husband will do all of those things when I am not around. I have left for a weekend or something and miraculously my husband has made sure that DS eats, has a diaper bag fully stocked, clothes him, etc. However, when I am around and we go for family outings, I am usually the one who pulls stuff together, lol.
I think a lot of times it is because I am just a planner. I would prefer to get things ready for outings the night before or during DS' nap. My husband on the other hand literally gets stuff together right before walking out the door. He will typically come back in the house 2-3 times because he has forgotten something. Drives me crazy but at the end he usually has everything DS needs.
So yes it is possible to share, but I realized that means DH gets to do it his own way, not necessarily my way. If he forgets something, well as long as he is responsible for going back to get it, I let it go. On your trip though, I would recommend alternating days rather than specific responsibilities. One day you are completely responsible for the baby stuff, and the next your DH is. That way there is not a constant struggle to try to remember who is to do what stuff throughout the day. Of course you will help each other out here and there, but the bulk of the responsibility should be one person's throughout a particular day so the expectations are set. Just my 2cents. I have no idea if this works in practice as we have not had a true family vacation yet. I hope you have a great time!
You hand off the kid and stop doing it all yourself. The easiest one is the eating cold food. Come on! You gotta speak up!
For us, it started as soon as we brought LLL home. DH does the diapers. I do the feeding, DH does the diapers. Fair way to split the middle of the night chores.
When I was home the first 14 weeks, by the end of the day I would usually be waiting for him to get home and I'd literally just hand her off the moment he walked in the door, kiss him hello, and go hide in the bedroom for awhile.
It also involves holding your tongue. A lot. I still struggle with this, but I don't say anything about how he is doing something unless I think safety is involved. (Fortunately, I'm way less neurotic than I used to be.)
Really, this is more of a you issue than a him issue. You need to step back. It will take more effort on your part, since you are all accustomed to these roles, but it's worth the effort.
I don't have much to add... just that of my friends who have kids, this seems to be a common problem. Two months is a long time... plenty of time for you to shift parenting roles a bit. You've gotten great advice so far on giving your H a chance to step up and take on more responsibility. Good luck, and enjoy your vacation! Will you be offline the whole time? Eeek!
Thanks for the advice and the tough love. I need the kick in the pants. You all are totally right. I struggle with a lot of the things you all called me out on. I'm on 2 yr maternity leave and he works nearly every night until 9-11pm so he only really sees her on weekends. And on weekends I feel bad not letting him "relax" after working so much, so I don't ask for help as much as I should. I've also struggled with the holding my tongue bit and not telling him do things this way or that. I'm getting better but need to improve on this as well. Mostly I feel like since he sees her so little he doesn't know what she's doing/can do when he sees her, but I know in my head he's perfectly capable of seeing this for himself so I need to let him do that. Probably best thing for me to do is leave the scene.
The 2 mos vacation is actually part of his paternity leave and we're using the time to get back to the States to see friends and family, so this is a perfect time now that I think about it for him to step up. I like your idea, married, about taking turns for the day, I'll propose this. But I think I'll take the first few days off first
Hopefully I'll report back how awesome it's going.
I don't have much to add except that I can sympathize! I think sometimes it's as easy as just telling him "here, you take her" or "I need to do x, take her for an hour, ok?"?
It's funny, because on days that he works all day, I do everything because he's been working, I want to give him a break. But on days that I work all day, I do everything because he's been with her all day, I want to give him a break. It occurred to me hey...wait a minute, what's wrong with this picture? What about me?! I really think that we as women tend to give everyone else breaks and take care of everyone else before taking care of ourselves. Sometimes you have to just let yourself have a break too and not feel guilty about it.?
That is so completely true!!
I think pps have given some great advice - the most important of which is to speak up!! DH remarked just the other day (after our vacation) that he can see how moms are just wired differently than dads. DH is a great dad, and SAH with Ben for 5 months, so he has a solid grasp of what needs to be done and how to do it. But when we're together, I just naturally tend to do everything - like eating a cold dinner cuz I'm busy cutting Ben's into small peices.
Anything you can achieve through hard work, you could also just buy.