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Bossy
2 years ago I suffered from Depression and anxiety, my DH was very supportive of me through 6 months of disability and when I was on the road to recovery, we became engaged and finally married. Since all this happened, my husband thinks he needs to take care of me and tell me how and what to do on a regular basis. From when to get up, what chores need to be done, how to clean the house, what to watch on TV. Rarely do I make any decisions about what is going on in our lives. I get to pick one of the two choices he has decided on for TV, movies etc... If I suggest eating out one night he will have a homemade dinner in mind. But the next day if he now feels like takeout its all okay. If he has decided that the lawn is getting mowed Saturday, it gets mowed Saturday that's all there is too it. I am pretty easy going and don't mind doing what others want most of the time but once in a while I would like to be the decider. I admit that I have stopped really thinking for myself these days and pretty much do as I am told but I am finding myself getting sad and worried for our future. When I try to discuss this with him, he asks if I've taken my medication or that my feelings would be different if I wasn't diagnosed depressed and it usually ends in an argument with no solution. I often wonder if he's with me out of love or out of being able to boss someone around. He isn't outward in his affections or actions but tells me he loves me daily and he has allowed me to take a job with a significant pay cut to make me happier and I don't have to want for anything. I just don't know how to rectify the situation or if it really is me.
Thanks allowing me to vent.
Re: Bossy
I guess another question is, was he like this before you guys got married? Or even after before your depression hit you?
I was in a relationship for a LONG time where I felt like whatever it was that he wanted he made sure he got it. And if he wanted something right then and there, that's when he would get it, not later... RIGHT AWAY. Even when he would ask me "where do you want to go to dinner?" and I would tell him where I wanted to go then he would be like "good suggestions but I think we should go here..." It's so frustrating and hurtful too!
I'm sure if you talk to your husband about it you guys can work through it beautifully!
I don't know if this is necessarily the case, but some men want...how do I say this.. distressed damsels. THey search for woman with problems, become their knight in shining white armor and in return for saving them, they expect you to be in debt to them for the rest of your life. These knights never see their distressed damsels as equals and expect adoration and servitude because ya know... they saved you. If you ever did get to a place of happiness, contentment and even like you are an equal partner, they lose interest or try to get you to be " distressed" again.
Again, I don't know if this is the case with your husband and I could be way off, but something about what you wrote made my red flags go up. My FIL is the same way, he left MIL and his children for several " damsels in distress " until MIL had enough of it. I don't know what happened, I just think MIL got to a point of feeling like she was equal to him and didn't throw him a tinker tape parade for putting his dirty clothes in the hamper or whatever.
I am curious ? What happens when you tell him " No." Like he says it is time to get up and you say no, what happens ?
I am his third wife and number who knows in a long list of relationships. The dating part seemed okay but once married, they were separated within a year both times. I feel like were are going in the same direction and don't know if the same mistakes are being made again...
As for the question if I say no, he usually hounds me to get up, and I eventually give in. For example today, we discussed doing something to spend time together and I mentioned perhaps a nice ride out into the country, that wasn't what "he" had in mind. So now, were spending the day doing chores, getting his haircut and taking the day in town wherever it takes us.
I am feeling so lethargic and down, I just want to go home and go to bed. I am sure my attitude isn't what he is used to but I am tired of acting like its all okay. And he hasn't noticed anyway or at least hasn't said anything, (probably blames it on Meds or PMS).
If he flips out then PLEASE take care of yourself first.
This sounds like a lot rolled into one: he may be very regimented. It might also be a control issue. And it's most definitely a codependency. He may also see a need to "fix" you.
This isn't healthy for you: you don't have a say in anything and you more or less are not free to do what you want. That's wrong and so is he.
Counseling for the both of you; I would make it a must if I were you.