Arguments about how to spend time off

fnsio

My husband and I have recently moved to France to be closer to his family.  We moved a lot in the past 5 years - on average every 1.5 years we've changed jobs and had to do an international move.  This time around I am really happy about where we live.  We just got settled in back in February, and now that summer is finally here, I would like to spend some vacation time at home to relax after another exhausting move/settling in to a new home.  But my husband wans to spend his vacation time with his family - parents, siblings and nieces and nephews.  We've already spent one week with his family, and now we were thinking of taking a second week off.  I would like to spend that week at home, but he wants to go back to see his family.  He says he lived away from his family for a long time and now is his chance to see people again, and that one week was not enough, because not all of this family members were present.  In addition, he keeps calling his college friends, to try to organize visits.

I have told him many time I want to spend some time at home, because I am very tired, and it's not relaxing to always be at someone else's place.  It's my vacation time too, and I would like to do some of the things that I like doing as well.  His idea of a compromise is to try to squeeze in my activities after work or on the weekends.  (I like water sports, so now he is often proposing to go kayaking after work, or go for a swim after work). 

Needless to say we've had a number of arguments about this.  I don't think it's fair.  We've already seen his family, and now I would like to choose how we spend some of our vacation time.  When we got back from out 1 week vacation, we immediately spent the following week fighting about what we would do for our second week off (which we will take at the end of the month).  How can I get him to understand that I need to rest and do my own thing, without turning it into a huge argument?  I am tired of fighting, but I also don't want to spent all of my time off doing only what he wants.

Any suggestions?

moonprincessd

What about he goes and sees family while you stay home? 

I think a whole week at home might be boring for your husband. He seems like the type that likes to go out, see friends and family. If you need alone time, time to relax, then just stay at home and let him do his thing. 

GilliC

When you lived in other places, how often did you visit his family?  If it's been an even split between your desires and his in the past, then I don't think there's a lot justification for him to get to choose more often just because you're closer to his family now.  However, if you've been forgoing visits over the past years, I think it's natural that he'd want to make up for lost time. I do agree with him that a week really isn't enough to see everyone, especially if you've been away for years.

I agree with @moonprincessd that it makes sense for him to go without you.  If you really want to stay home, and he really wants to visit his family, why not make both of you happy?  With 5 (or 6?) weeks of vacation, it's not like you won't still have plenty of vacation time together. 

XH and I both made solo trips over the years, because sometimes it wasn't worth the cost of international flights for a visit that one spouse wasn't terribly excited about.  For example, I went alone to a college friend's wedding, because XH barely knew her and therefore didn't feel like it was worth the $1K plane ticket or the time off to attend.

Disneygeek77

I say let him go to visit his family alone for a few days.  You stay home and relax and then join him.

MLE2010

I'd let him go and do what he wants and I'd stay home.

Talk to him and tell him, every year we have 2 weeks vacation. You will get one week to plan what we do and I will get the other going forward. If life events come up (sickness, family death or whatever) we will talk about an adjustment of these times. Tell him you want to meet him halfway but he also has to meet you.

fnsio

Thanks for the advice everyone. 

When we lived in the US, he came to France at least once a year, sometimes two, to visit his family.  My family also lives far away, but they are more mobile, so sometimes we would visit my parents, sometimes they would visit us.  My husband's family never come to us.  So I think in terms of vacation time in the past, we have been pretty even in terms of time, and usually spending more money to see his family.

Now that we live in France, he is disappointed that we only see his brothers and sisters with about the same frequency as we did when we lived in the US.  But this is largely because it's hard to see people often if you don't live in the same city, and if it's always us that has to do the travelling.

I've suggested to him to go see his friends and family without me, but he is the one who doesn't want to.  He says that people will find it weird, they will question why I didn't come, and assume that I don't want to see them.  I told him he should just tell them that I had other plans, but he doesn't like this suggestion.  He has also told me a bunch of times that he doesn't want to go on his own because we wants to spend our free time together.  I agree with GilliC - we wil have other vacation time this year, at Christmas for example (this year we will spend it with his family - argh).  I just want to enjoy my awesome new town and home this summer.

Well, I will try to convince him to go some of the days on his own.  At least to see his friends on his own.  We had another argument last night so this morning it will be another awkward day....

Thanks for the advice!

GilliC

I'm a bit concerned that he's so reluctant to go without you.  Is he afraid that people at home will catch on to the fact that you're having marital issues?  Is he worried that people will judge him for having an independent wife?

I think you both need to sit down and figure out just why he doesn't want to go without you.  As I said, I can understand wanting to spend vacation time together when you only have a few weeks, but if you've been living in the US and now you're in France, those 5-6 weeks are going to feel like a lifetime for the first few years.  His reluctance to spend one of them apart troubles me.  I would honestly suggest couples counseling to get to the root of the issue, but I know how much French society stigmatizes therapy, so I think you need to have some subtly probing conversations to try to figure out what his issues really are.

Disneygeek77

Honestly, I would stay firm and say " No, I am not going for that long.  You can go ahead of me for a few days and I will join you later, but I need some time to myself. "

Although, it seems you have deeper issues with a man that puts his family's happiness above his wife's.

moonprincessd

Sheesh, sounds like someone is needy, no offence, but I went to Taiwan for 2 weeks with my mom and my husband (fiance' at the time) was very supportive. He's also gone to see his family ALONE on Thanksgiving (once because I had two important essays to write, the second time because I had to work) 

There is nothing weird with going alone. 

EastCoastBride

Disneygeek77 said:

Honestly, I would stay firm and say " No, I am not going for that long.  You can go ahead of me for a few days and I will join you later, but I need some time to myself. "

Although, it seems you have deeper issues with a man that puts his family's happiness above his wife's.

THis.  especially the last sentence.  What really stands out- there is no compromise for him.  It's either what he wants or it's an arguement.  That's not fair to you.  At all. 

And he needs to realize- if he goes w/o you and tells his family theperfectly reasonable explanation that you are busy/ have things to do at home (even if that's just sleeping in and gardening!!) and THEY read into it and make assumptions, that's on them.  Not you or him.  And you shouldn't have to live your life around his family making incorrect assumptions.

Which leads again to why is he putting his family and THEIR feelings before yours?  Ask him this..

RunBooRun

Is there a reason he can't see his family on weekends? Like once a month or something? Just curious.