About to be Divorced at 30. Anyone Else?

nycgoldengirl

I'm not sure if this is the right board to post on, but I've only been married a few months and am about to start the divorce procedure. I'm just so angry and would love to speak to other women like me, especially those who are in their late 20s/early 30s. Things weren't perfect when we got married, but I was willing to work on our issues. I had a sit-down with my fiance and 3 family members before we got married to make SURE he was on the same page as me and knew that going through with the wedding means we are committed to this and going to TRY instead of get angry and give up when there are bumps in the road. Well, that wasn't the case. Literally the day after the wedding he started working 7 days a week to avoid me/our problems, refused to go to therapy, and started sleeping in the other room. Now several months of this have gone by and I don't know what to do since he won't join me in this relationship or do anything to help make progress. I'm so mad that I could have been given the courtesy of knowing this and NOT getting married, but instead he went through with it, and now I'm trapped in this situation. Neither of us were totally without blame, but at least I was willing to listen and hear what was bothering him and totally willing to change. But it just seems like he wanted things to magically get better without him having to do any work or lift a finger. There is such a stigma about divorce among people my age, and I hate to think that people will look down on me because of the D word now, especially the men I will meet once I start dating (at least that's my fear). I really do value marriage and was prepared to work through thick and thin, good and bad, but I guess my husband wasn't. I wish there was a way to fix this but it's been months of living apart now and him just giving up. Is anyone else in my position??

maven212

This happened to me and honestly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Changed my life for the better. It hurt at first - i mean, i had to work through a lot re: what putting up with the marriage/his crap meant in terms of what i thought of myself - but honestly, it redefined every relationship in my life in such a positive way.....and I have felt nothing but relief since the marriage ended. I am wiser for the experience

I felt there was a stigma too, until I realized how many starter marriage divorcees I knew...I mean, I just kept meeting them as the years went on. I thought that I would be undateable, but that was untrue. No one cared. Guys kind of just came out of the woodwork. I met and remarried and have lived a much happier life since. 

I have been able to live the life I wanted to live. That is a direct outcome of my divorce. My ex feels the same way.  If divorce is the answer to your marriage problems go forward - there doesn't have to be shame in this. 

anssett

I started to realize during my first year of marriage to my first H that I would never be able to be happy in that situation. I was 27 when we married. It took another year to leave because of fears of stigma, never being able to have kids in a stable partnership, self judgement about failing at marriage, etc.

I'm SO glad I did leave because now I'm 32 and happily married to a man I can work through challenges with for the rest of my life (we think

The stigma is mostly in your head. Anyone who actually judges you is a huge jerk and you're better off away from them.

Rainzzzy

Even if people do end up judging (which I don't think will happen with too many people), is it better for other people to be happy or for YOU to be happy? You should do what is best for you. 20 years from now do you really want to still be in this same situation you are in now, wishing you had done something about it years ago? I think it's commendable that you don't take marriage lightly, but marriage requires both parties to make the effort and he just isn't going to make the effort.

TarponMonoxide

I'm not sure if this is the right board to post on, but I've only been married a few months and am about to start the divorce procedure. I'm just so angry and would love to speak to other women like me, especially those who are in their late 20s/early 30s. Things weren't perfect when we got married, but I was willing to work on our issues.

If things weren't perfect when you got married, then there was a problem before you were married. YOu either glossed it over or thought that once you were married, it would stop.

I had a sit-down with my fiance and 3 family members before we got married to make SURE he was on the same page as me and knew that going through with the wedding means we are committed to this and going to TRY instead of get angry and give up when there are bumps in the road.

Why did you sit down with 3 family members? Presumably they are his family members?

What was going on with them?

What you should have done: premarital counseling --- with a secular counselor and if you 2 were spiritual, with a clergyperson also. And did not marry until the problem was rectified to your satisfaction.

Well, that wasn't the case. Literally the day after the wedding he started working 7 days a week to avoid me/our problems, refused to go to therapy, and started sleeping in the other room. Now several months of this have gone by and I don't know what to do since he won't join me in this relationship or do anything to help make progress. I'm so mad that I could have been given the courtesy of knowing this and NOT getting married, but instead he went through with it, and now I'm trapped in this situation. Neither of us were totally without blame, but at least I was willing to listen and hear what was bothering him and totally willing to change. But it just seems like he wanted things to magically get better without him having to do any work or lift a finger. There is such a stigma about divorce among people my age, and I hate to think that people will look down on me because of the D word now, especially the men I will meet once I start dating (at least that's my fear). I really do value marriage and was prepared to work through thick and thin, good and bad, but I guess my husband wasn't. I wish there was a way to fix this but it's been months of living apart now and him just giving up. Is anyone else in my position??

What happened here? We don't know what kind of a problem you had or what it consisted of --- I don't know how long you are married but if it is less than a year, perhaps you can look into getting an annullment instead.

Fook "those people" who will "look down on you". What happened is none of their business and that's that.

YOu have no shame in being divorced. You're not the first 30 year old who is splitting up with a spouse.

I suggest counseling for you --- and a divorce support group, if there is one in your area. Lots of places run them. Try looking on the web to see where you might be able to find one.

WendyGR

maven212 said:

This happened to me and honestly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Changed my life for the better. It hurt at first - i mean, i had to work through a lot re: what putting up with the marriage/his crap meant in terms of what i thought of myself - but honestly, it redefined every relationship in my life in such a positive way.....and I have felt nothing but relief since the marriage ended. I am wiser for the experience

I felt there was a stigma too, until I realized how many starter marriage divorcees I knew...I mean, I just kept meeting them as the years went on. I thought that I would be undateable, but that was untrue. No one cared. Guys kind of just came out of the woodwork. I met and remarried and have lived a much happier life since. 

I have been able to live the life I wanted to live. That is a direct outcome of my divorce. My ex feels the same way.  If divorce is the answer to your marriage problems go forward - there doesn't have to be shame in this. 

this was exactly my experience. I also second the advice for counseling in addition to a divorce support group. 

cloudymeatballs

What kind of issues are you having?  I don't get why men think that just because you get married that these little issues are just going to go away.  I have some issues, mainly things that I can learn to get over, but I have some problems about some things, but I want to talk about them.  WHen I do try my H gets upset and tries to brush them under the rug.  He always says, I thought this would get better after getting married.  I then say ya its not like I change, our status changed but my feeling about something does not.  We are little by little learning how to deal with our problems.  We are learning how  to communicate properly and things are getting better. 

I have heard that for some people the 1st year is really hard, and I would have to say I agree.  It has been difficult for us, we're learning different things and how to be with one another as a married couple.  I don't know exactly what you two are having problems, other than him not wanting to address them, but what's his deal on Why he avoids you and the problem???

 

LaLovely

I'm kind of facing the same situation. And all I keep thinking is in 10 years am I going to be able to deal with this? I want kids and a REAL marriage! One where both parties work together on their issues! I wish you the best! It really is a hard decision, and heartbreaking at the same time.

vpine

You don't have to go around saying your status is 'divorced'. I would recommend saying you're 'single'.

StefB28

I just got divorced after 4 years of marriage. Leave, now. While I would go through my crappy marriage again to have my boys, I obviously wish I'd chosen to have children with a man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... Don't waste any more of your time.

Divorce is scary, for sure. But it's even tougher when there are kids involved-- cut your losses and find the man you really want to be with.

short+sassy

I don't know what qualifies for an annulment rather than a divorce, but is it possible to do that instead?  It seems like that would be a lot simpler legally if it is possible.  And, not that there is any shame either way, but it might make you feel better emotionally to be able to annul instead of divorce.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened.  It sounds like you are doing the right thing.  I know things are hard now, but you will come out stronger and happier for it.

justmarriednothappy

I just got married 3 months ago.  My husband was in the military and suffered from PTSD.  I thought we had problems but he always blamed it on that.  I got him in counseling and did everything, I thought.  I just recently found out that he has been cheating on me since we started dating.  Everyday, I find out more things he did.  I want a divorce as well and am stuck.  I can't financially make it, I don't want the judgement of, "Wow, you made it three whole months."  I really want kids, and a family, and know I can't if I divorce him.  Even if I got remarried, it would be too late for me to have kids.  So now I am in this situation and wake up everyday, hating him more and not know what to do.  I am sorry you are going through this, I feel the same way.  Hopefully, you find a better situation.

brittanymclark

My husband and I were on the verge of divorce....we got married on REALLY bad terms. We are both christians, but lived hypocritical lives. We attended a marriage conference, a marriage class, met a lot of people through those and are in a life group (through our church) finding community with other married couples have helped our marriage tremendously. We are very strong and just celebrated our first year anniversary yesterday.

decembergrl2014

I was married for 4 years, and was divorced at 32. Everyone's situation is different, and you have to do what is right for YOU, and not worry about what others think. Through it all, my divorce made me a much stronger person. I learned a lot about myself, but the most important thing I learned is that life is too short to spend it unhappy.

KMB1116

I got married at 23, left at 27, and divorced at 28. It was awful, but I'm much stronger because of it. I don't have any other friends and very few family members who are divorced, and there was a lot of head shaking, but you are the only one who can control your happiness, and you have to do what's right for you. Some things are much more difficult now, but I'm free, and that's scary and wonderful and filled with potential. 

MandiMija

I get where you're coming from in not wanting to be a young divorcée.  I was married just shy of 22, left at 24, divorced at 25.  It sucked beyond the telling of it, but there was no fixing my abusive marriage.  My XH had very different faces, and no amount of premarital counseling or waiting could have uncovered it.  We knew each other for years and went through all of the 'recommended' premarital steps (besides living together; huge no-no in our conservative Catholic circle).  Still, he had a very specific script in mind for the role of "wife," one that he never bothered to clue me in on.  Scratch that.  He deliberately hid it from me and our priest in premarital counseling.  Once he 'had' me, he considered me property and expected me to behave like a 'proper' wife.  Because he thought I didn't "believe" in divorce, he thought I'd never leave.  After three years of counseling, pleading, and praying, I surprised us both and left.  Nobody in my family or close friends saw it coming; sure, they knew I was unhappy (despite my best efforts to put on a brave face), but I'd hidden the abuse well.

At first, there was some headshaking, both because I married and divorced at such a young age and later when the story came out, or at least what Iittle I'd actually tell, because I stayed so long in such a terrible marriage).  It was a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation, and the tut-tutting and pitying looks initially bugged the hell out of me.  Later, I learned to accept that people's judgement of my situation was on them, not me.  Learning to give them the figurative finger in my head while sporting my best "bless your heart" smile was awesome.  Because seriously, screw them.

I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful, wonderful man who has never thought twice about my "divorced" status.  Really, nobody who has actually mattered has expressed anything other than relief that I'm out, happy, and safe.  

My divorce was probably the biggest heartbreak of my life, and it has been extremely difficult (compounded by the fact that I had to move states to ensure my own safety).  However, it has been worth it.  I found strength I never knew I had, and I discovered depths of existing friendships I would have never imagined.  I got the chance to start over.  I hope you find the same thing.

kld4413

It's never really "too late" to have kids. Do you really want to have children with a man you don't love and respect. Of course some people realize after they already have children that the marriage isn't going to work, but to say you want to divorce your husband other than the fact that you want him to give you children is just plain irresponsible. As a child who grew up in a house with parents who hated each other (before and after their divorce), let me tell you that the best thing you can do for your children is love their father (and fathers can love their mother)... So if you don't respect this man enough to KNOW that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, PLEASE do not have children with this man. Get divorced now. I know several divorced people under 30, all in new and solid relationships, and the ones with kids, while they love their children, wish they'd gotten divorced sooner. Once you have children with this man he is a part of your life forever... Even if he disappears from your child's life, you will be setting your child up for heartbreak.

Laurmi

Please, do NOT worry about the stigma. I worried about it so much that I put off the inevitable for 8 years....well....I dated my ex for 10 years, got married because I felt that it was the "next step" and knew 6 months into it that I'd made a huge mistake. 

The divorce was HARD. I'm not going to lie. It's hard to end things, and awkward, and everyone seems to have an opinion, and there are so many things happening in someones relationship that most people aren't privy to. Only YOU know when it's over. And once you know it's over, you owe it to yourself to end things to move on with your life and be happy.

Now I'm 32 and happily married to the love of my life! He was with me for part of the divorce, because it took over a year and a half because my ex became VERY VERY bitter.....and wanted lots of my $$ (grrrrr...that's another story in and of itself). I can't imagine how different my life would be and how devastatingly sad I would be now if I hadn't ended things with my ex. I'm in such a better place now at 32 than I was for my entire 20's!! 

Word to the wise though....when you're going through a divorce, people (especially couples) with act like you have a disease that they can catch. They worry that you making such a bold move with inspire their wives / girlfriends / whatever to leave them too, and might keep their distance. I was actually a guest at a wedding and the newlywed husband said "Agh! You're bad juju, don't give her any ideas!" yeeeesh. Anyway, they happily attended my next wedding.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Laura 

jeneEv

according to described situation, you made good decision, so I am peaty sure you will find some decent guy very soon.sleeping in separate beds week after wedding? c'mon

theninjapanda

I got married young. Around 23. Yeah we had our issues but that comes with young love, I think. 

In relationships everyone has their issues. But you have to be willing to compromise and work together at a common goal in life, I think it does work. 

I am sorry you are going through this. Yes it is tough being 28 and divorced especially since we have a child together. But in the end you will be much happier. 

Since being divorced I have been happier than I have ever been. I have found someone else and we work well together. We have common interest and goals in life. 

HopeNotLost

I was married for 6 months from the date of marriage to the date the divorce was finalized.  I was 24 years old when I got divorced.  I am actually very thankful I went through it at a young age.  I figured out exactly what I DON'T want in a marriage, and what truly matters to me in a marriage.  I am happily married now (I got married again when I was 27) and truly believe that I was more emotionally ready to be married at that point.  

When I was going through my divorce, I also felt embarrassed about already being divorced at 24.  I was so ashamed, and felt like people looked down on me.  But I would much rather go through a divorce than be with someone I wasn't happy with.  Those feelings of shame and concern of the stigma go away, and then you just don't give a crap, because you are much happier than you were while you were married.  

Good luck to you!!!

TarponMonoxide

MandiMija said:

 We knew each other for years and went through all of the 'recommended' premarital steps (besides living together; huge no-no in our conservative Catholic circle). 

Depends who you talk to.:)

I know of a case where the bride and groom were strongly advised by their Catholic officiant to live together as a "see what happens".

The officiant's strong advice because Groom was new to recovery of alcoholism.

He had great advice.

3 weeks before the day, Groom fell off the wagon, became physically and verbally abusive and the whole wedding was called off.

daisy662

justmarriednothappy said:

I just got married 3 months ago.  My husband was in the military and suffered from PTSD.  I thought we had problems but he always blamed it on that.  I got him in counseling and did everything, I thought.  I just recently found out that he has been cheating on me since we started dating.  Everyday, I find out more things he did.  I want a divorce as well and am stuck.  I can't financially make it, I don't want the judgement of, "Wow, you made it three whole months."  I really want kids, and a family, and know I can't if I divorce him.  Even if I got remarried, it would be too late for me to have kids.  So now I am in this situation and wake up everyday, hating him more and not know what to do.  I am sorry you are going through this, I feel the same way.  Hopefully, you find a better situation.

Oh Lord. Please DO NOT bring children into this situation.

daisy662

OP, I married my high school sweetheart at 23. I loved him more than I ever knew I could love someone. He drank to much and was very selfish but I thought that would change as we "grew up". In fact, he said it would. He would say, do you really think I'm going to keep partying like this once we are married? Well, he did... Then it was, do you really think I'm going to keep partying like this once we buy a house? Well, he did... Then it was, do you really think I'm going to keep partying like this once we have kids? Well, this one I wasn't going to stick around to find out! I left him and we divorced at 28. I tried everything including counseling. He had issues with alcohol and prescription pills. Since he didn't think he had a problem and wasn't willing to seek help, I left. That was 7 years ago and I'm so glad I left. I still love him and miss him every day, but I am glad I left. Here we are at 36 and he still has trouble keeping a job and lives with his mother. I don't know about the drinking and pill stuff but he definitely is still irresponsible. I am now remarried to an incredible amazing man who I adore and made 2 beautiful babies with! He is a wonderful husband and father and my life is amazing. I also understand your concern about the stigma of divorce. I am the only one of my friends and family to go through this and they didn't understand. I went through it alone which was hard. I think they see now that he still hasn't changed and finally get it but I don't know that for sure cause it's not discussed. It also was not difficult to find a new guy so don't worry about that... You don't indicate what your marital issues are so I can't give my opinion as to wether or not leaving is the way to go so I thought I'd share a little bit of my story. If it's a case of abuse, you should leave. But, please share some more detail. Leaving isn't always the answer. Best of luck to you!

coralray24

I am 29, have been married for 4 years, and my husband just told me he wanted a divorce. That he has always felt he has been settling -- he had doubts (unknown to me)before the wedding but convinced himself that it didn't matter, but once I started to want kids he realized it did matter. All of this came as a shock to me - I thought we had a good marriage. Now I look back at our 4 years of marriage, year of engagement with such pain. It just seems like a giant waste my my time. And I feel so used - he used my love to make himself stronger, only to use that strength to leave. While this would have still hurt 6 mo into the marriage, or while we were engaged or dating - I don't think i would feel so cheated if so much time hadn't passed. So if your husband has doubts and isn't willing to work on them with you or a counselor - get out earlier. Don't build up memories of shared holidays, vacations, house projects just to haunt you later.

LeaZ

I am 33, been married for about a year, we have a 5 month old baby and we are getting divorced.  At least you did not have children with your ex, I am going to have to deal with mine for the rest of my life. I feel like he completely changed once our baby was born and although I would never change anything because I have my son out of the relationship, had I known this would have happened, I never would have married him.

I have plenty of friends in their 30's that have been divorced, so I am not too worried about the stigma. Just focus on yourself and what makes you happy. 

By the way, we HAVE been in counseling for a couple of months now and it is not helping us much...its not a fix for every situation, but it certainly can't hurt.

TarponMonoxide

daisy662 said:

OP, I married my high school sweetheart at 23. I loved him more than I ever knew I could love someone. He drank to much and was very selfish but I thought that would change as we "grew up". In fact, he said it would. He would say, do you really think I'm going to keep partying like this once we are married? Well, he did... Then it was, do you really think I'm going to keep partying like this once we buy a house? Well, he did... Then it was, do you really think I'm going to keep partying like this once we have kids? Well, this one I wasn't going to stick around to find out! I left him and we divorced at 28. I tried everything including counseling. He had issues with alcohol and prescription pills. Since he didn't think he had a problem and wasn't willing to seek help, I left. That was 7 years ago and I'm so glad I left. I still love him and miss him every day, but I am glad I left. Here we are at 36 and he still has trouble keeping a job and lives with his mother. I don't know about the drinking and pill stuff but he definitely is still irresponsible. I am now remarried to an incredible amazing man who I adore and made 2 beautiful babies with! He is a wonderful husband and father and my life is amazing. I also understand your concern about the stigma of divorce. I am the only one of my friends and family to go through this and they didn't understand. I went through it alone which was hard. I think they see now that he still hasn't changed and finally get it but I don't know that for sure cause it's not discussed. It also was not difficult to find a new guy so don't worry about that... You don't indicate what your marital issues are so I can't give my opinion as to wether or not leaving is the way to go so I thought I'd share a little bit of my story. If it's a case of abuse, you should leave. But, please share some more detail. Leaving isn't always the answer. Best of luck to you!

Moral to the story: Never marry anybody who is NOT a social drinker.

TarponMonoxide

daisy662 said:

justmarriednothappy said:

I just got married 3 months ago.  My husband was in the military and suffered from PTSD.  I thought we had problems but he always blamed it on that.  I got him in counseling and did everything, I thought.  I just recently found out that he has been cheating on me since we started dating.  Everyday, I find out more things he did.  I want a divorce as well and am stuck.  I can't financially make it, I don't want the judgement of, "Wow, you made it three whole months."  I really want kids, and a family, and know I can't if I divorce him.  Even if I got remarried, it would be too late for me to have kids.  So now I am in this situation and wake up everyday, hating him more and not know what to do.  I am sorry you are going through this, I feel the same way.  Hopefully, you find a better situation.

Oh Lord. Please DO NOT bring children into this situation.

Get this "marriage" annulled pronto!!!!!

And get tested. Right  now.

And how old are you??? Women have kids well into their 40s! Very doubtful if you are anywhere near 40 or in your 40s right now.

Even if it's not physically possible for you to bear a child, you can adopt!

grekeys

I just wanted to weigh in and let you know that I was divorced at 30 after an almost ten year relationship, seven year marriage. He wanted an open relationship, we struggled with his unemployment and his binge drinking and this weird silent contract that I had with myself and unbeknownst to him, with him. If I was the most awesome wife ever and sacrificed what I wanted, then he wouldn't cheat on me. Bad bad mistake on both our parts. We should have sought counseling but looking back both agree that that probably wouldn't have saved our marriage but perhaps made parting a little easier. We were both heartbroken, losing our best friend... and we have remained close the last three years. I married another man last October and we just bought a house. He is an educated, professional who knows who he is, doesn't require me to "mother" him and who is committed to monogamy. He is everything that I didn't know at 20, that I wanted in a life partner and my ex-husband is in a long term relationship as well that has made him very happy. After splitting he got his career and drinking under control and I believe matured a great deal in ways he wasn't able to while married to me. 

When I first started dating, it was hard but more and more I found that there were plenty of people my age with failed marriages from earlier in their lives, and not every one of them had kids and property and other commitments to their exes. Many were even younger than I was! And my friends have surprised me with loyalty, understanding, commitment and support every step of the way. Please have faith that life goes on after these sort of things and that there are ways to heal and move forward. Good luck to you, you are not alone.