How do I stop stressing about this?

lavender89

I have been married a few months, and most days are great, but I'm having an issue.  During the engagement my FI said at one point that he was not sure we should get married.  We are of different faith backgrounds and he feared we would fight and split over it. He said he knows some couples who have our same backgrounds and they fight a lot/do not seem happy.  My view is you never know what other's situation is, and our relationship is our own and not like theirs. But we did counseling, talked through differences and made plans for how to handle differences in the future. He went back and forth about it several times feeling very torn, but we decided to be married.  Since then he has mentioned it on and off and how it is still in the back of his mind that maybe it will be too hard given our backgrounds.  This really hurts me, and I feel like I'm growing more unsettled and nervous in our marriage because of it.  I do not know how to make him see that the reason we fight about this topic is because he brings it up and says it will push us apart, but absent this idea that people raised differently cannot make it work, we are great about each other's faiths - supportive and very much on the same page about how to raise our future kids or conduct our lives together.   How can I make him see how compatible we are and that just because one thing is an issue for one couple it will be ok for us? also how can I get over my own anxiety - I know that he made the decision to marry me so maybe I need to be more supportive and hear out his concerns, but how can I do that without feeling scared that he regrets this?

Possible additional factors include we are both working very VERY long hours recently, also some IL stress, and living together for first time.

BeckyOff

What are the different faiths? Are the inlaw problems related to these different faiths?

Talk to him. I wonder what he thinks you should do now. I'd ask him next time he brings it up. Also ask him how he sees that the different faiths have already affected your relationship. Maybe you haven't noticed something that is driving him crazy.

I really want to know what faiths you two are. Scientologist and Catholic? Jewish and Mormon?

GilliC

Why don't you just continue counseling?  If he feels like this is a potential problem, tell him that it's something you want to be sure you can work through.  Honestly, you can get a lot from counseling before there's a problem.

Resentment and anxiety are like an infection.  It may sting a little to address them directly, but if you let them fester, it might end up to late to be able to heal.

However, it almost sounds like this is a foregone conclusion for him.  You guys are fighting about whether or not something might cause fights later?   Fighting about the potential to disagree doesn't sound healthy.  Could he be projecting and using this as an excuse because he's upset about something else?  Or are you actually already fighting about these differences?

lavender89

Thanks for the thoughts. GilliC, I do not think he is projecting another issue, but maybe it has to do with how he thinks people perceive him for marrying me? H talks about feeling disconnected from his faith, and how people know that we are not the same and they probably wonder about us. I do try to support him in every way I can - go to religious services and related social events with him, have done a ton of reading, tried to find ways in our home to support him like special meals etc. Maybe he fears disappointing his family?

Also BeckyOff, Christian/Jewish

TarponMonoxide

There have been interfaith marriages of your type for years.  It's fairly common.

If he feels disconnected from his faith, why isn't he pursuing rekindling it? I think it would be a great idea --- find a church/temple that he feels comfortable with and get back on track going to services, studying his faith, volunteering for something he can do there, etc.

He's got to pursue what's right for him, not what's right for his parents and siblings.  This is his life, his show.

moonprincessd

I'm Catholic and my Husband was Catholic but is now "I don't know" some would probably say he's agnostic or atheist. He's open to the idea of God and that there might be one, but we just don't know kind of thing. 

We did talk about our differences and we're married. Nothing has changed or affected us in any way. We went as far as to discuss our children since I want them to grow up in the Catholic faith and he's okay with that. 

I would find a way to spend some time alone, take a week off, and then discuss it when you're both not as stressed. I would especially talk about how you plan to raise the kids (if you want kids), with two different faiths, often one gets picked over the other.

Also it's okay to worry, the future is unknown. I questioned whether or not my husband might change his mind, that he might not want our future children going to church, etc... but he's reassured me time and time again that he really does not mind. He's open to different faiths and even said he'd be willing to go to church with us. 

After we got married, I know longer worried. I think it was just pre wedding jitters, not to mention the fact that we had a Catholic wedding ceremony, probably added to those jitters....

GilliC

TarponMonoxide said:

There have been interfaith marriages of your type for years.  It's fairly common.

This.  My best friend is a faithful Christian, and her husband is devoutly Jewish.  They have been happily married for over ten years and have two children who are being raised to understand both religions.

If your husband's argument is simply that your marriage might fail over this issue because others have, that's just silly.  Plenty of marriages have thrived with this difference, and plenty of other relationships have failed without it.  There must be more to his concerns than just that.

Did his parents' or a close friend/relative's relationship fail for this reason?  Does he subconsciously worry that you don't accept his faith or that you might steer your future children towards your own beliefs?

RunBooRun

Honestly, I understand his worries. Just keep encouraging him to be involved in his faith and hopefully things will improve. That's really all you can do.

GilliC

I still think that continued counseling could really help.  If your insurance/budget don't allow independent general couples counseling, where you could go to talk openly about your concerns with an impartial third party, maybe you could arrange to meet with a member of each of your respective faiths to discuss how you can create a balance and work within the differences?

lavender89

Thanks for all the advice and perspective. We had done some talking and I think things have improved a little.  I guess I just need to remember that we can keep talking about this and working on it, and that i do not need to panic if sometimes he feels like things could be easier another way - that's life.