Trouble in Paradise
jaecat521
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What the hell do I do now?
A while ago, I posted that my then-fiance and I had had a discussion about his concerns that we might not be together forever, due to some communication problems and my fighting dirty. I was, I think, 35 wks pregnant at the time, and we had a 1 year old daughter as well.
Fast forward a few months later: We are involved in a community college drama club, and we had made some new friends through it. We were both cast in the spring production, and a couple of weeks before the show was to go on, I developed some complications and had to drop out.
We had some issues with him staying out super late after rehearsal (I'm talking one night he didn't come home until 5:30 am) in which I ripped him a new asshole because hey, I'm super pregnant with a complicated pregnancy and a 1 year old who doesn't sleep through the night. He ended up becoming close friends with his scene partners (both girls who were 19/20).
Initially I was fine with this, he and I had been together for almost seven years, and he had always had more friends who were girls than friends who were guys, and these girls were my friends too.
One of these girls got kicked out of her aunt and uncle's house where she was staying while she went to school, because her cousin needed to come back home. She was faced with not being able to keep going to school, so he asked me what I thought about her staying with us for a few months. I agreed (and yes, I know it was stupid, and I had some discomfort with it and I should have said no.) because she seemed to be a good person, she was great with my daughter, and she was going to stay with my daughter while I and then-fiance were in the hospital after my son was born.
There were problems right off the bat. I was dealing with severe depression at the time, and he was paying more attention to her than to me. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he said he was sorry, and that he would scale it down. I had my baby, and we went home.
On the 25th of May, he threw a party for my 25th birthday. There was a lot of alcohol, and I passed out early into the evening. The next morning, he came and told me that he got too drunk and had oral sex with the girl who lived with us and one of the other girls who was there. Initially, I told him I was hurt and disappointed, but not pissed and that we would get past it, because we were ALL really drunk. I did tell him I needed him to not be alone with her, and he needed to stop touching her. (He is a very touchy-feely person in general). He agreed, but then didn't really stop. At one point, I walked into our bedroom and she was on top of him rubbing his back!
I read his emails, and there were a few from her that talked about her being his mistress/girlfriend, and I lost it. I told him to get her the hell out of my house, and that he and I were done.
Fast forward another few months, and he has finally admitted that he did, in fact, cheat. He maintains that other than the night of my birthday party, he didn't sleep with her, but honestly, it wouldn't matter if he did, cheating is cheating to me, the degree is irrelevant.
My issue is that if he was telling me, please stay, this was a horrible thing that I did, I'm sorry, I want to fix it, I would want to stay and get past this. But he's not doing that. He's telling me he's not sure if he wants to be with me because I made him lonely for five years and we never had sex. (For two of those years, I was either pregnant, just had a baby, and/or breastfeeding...not the best situation for sex).
Rationally, I know that I can no longer trust him, I know that by his actions, he is not showing me that I matter to him, and we are not together, but not really apart, either. We have a "bird's nest" custody arrangement right now, where our kids stay in the house full time and he and I trade off on who is there with them. So I guess I need to decide whether or not to stick around for him to make a decision, or if I need to make the decision to just leave. I am also paying for EVERYTHING right now and going into debt to do it. He passed up a manager position that would have brought him about 40k/year because they took too long to get back to him on it. So I pay for everything on my part-time library job and credit cards. I hate paying for him, but I have to keep a roof over the kid's heads and food in their bellies, so I feel like I am stuck. So I guess what I'm asking is, what would you do?
If you got through that, thanks for reading!
Re: What the hell do I do now?
Really you have to ask?
You actually lost me on you were hurt but not pissed that he was having oral sex with another girl. And that you didn't consider that cheating,...lmao...says a lot.
Kick him out of the house, stop giving him any financial support and go see lawyers and file. This isn't going to be fixed. He carried on an affair right in front of you, in your house and in front of your kids. Why aren't you angry about this?!? I'd have put his crap, her crap on the front lawn and torched it.
What you two are doing now is only going to confuse your kids. You are also showing your daughter that being cheated on is A-okay and your son that cheating on your wife and mother of your children is also A-okay.
Get a backbone, some self respect and do what's right for you and your kids. You do understand that he also but your health at risk, right? He could have passed all kinds of crap to you while PG and after. He has zero care, respect or love for you OR the kids here. What a POS.
You need counseling, really bad. Being drunk isn't a "get out of jail" free card. It's a made up excuse, why the heck did you buy it?!?
Are you getting what I'm telling you? I hope so, show your kids that loving yourself comes before being treated like a POS.
One of these girls got kicked out of her aunt and uncle's house where she was staying while she went to school, because her cousin needed to come back home. She was faced with not being able to keep going to school, so he asked me what I thought about her staying with us for a few months. I agreed (and yes, I know it was stupid, and I had some discomfort with it and I should have said no.)
And make sure he follows her right out that door.
How disgusting.
Not only did he cheat, he's also merrily letting his wife pull the whole financial load. A man who lives off his wife is no man at all.
See an attorney; make sure you protect your assets and when your finances are set and ready, file for divorce. Once a cheater always a cheater.
You need to gather up you self respect and be done with him. There is no future here.
You have already wasted years of your life with this man, stop wasting any more.
I know it will be difficult, but one day you will look back and realize leaving him is the best decision you ever made.
I do feel for you because you have children BUT even if it wasn't full-on intercourse, he disrespected you. My advice would be to leave.
I've been REALLY drunk several times in the 6 years that H and I have been together. I haven't had oral sex with anyone other than my H ANY of the times I was drunk. Nor have I so much as KISSED anyone else in all of our time together.
The reason monogamous couples don't cheat is out of respect, love, and adherence to their agreement to be mutually exclusive. Intoxication doesn't make you forget that you love and respect your significant other. I don't care HOW drunk you are.
I think he doesn't love you or respect you. I think he suckered you into letting his mistress live in your house while he carried on an affair under the roof that YOU pay for. Now that you're separated, the fact that he isn't even distraught over the separation just confirms this. He's now letting YOU pay all his bills while he continues to f*ck this girl.
You NEED to develop self respect. Not only for yourself, but for your children. They need a strong mother who demonstrates self respect and what a stable relationship looks like.
Get a lawyer. File for divorce. Stop paying for his shit. And get him out of your house.
Get rid of him. As somebody suggested, an attorney. I don't know either if your relationship would be considered common law.
You and he were together 7 Yrs and he didn't marry you? Good enough to sleep with but not marry? Drinking is no excuse either for cheating. That is just being irresponsible & hurtful to a person your supposed to love. Keep in mind that everything you and he do reflects in your cjildrens future choices. Be a good Mom and do the right thing. Be strong for them to look up to.♥
If he won't man up and make it legal after a few years, or 4 the most, move on.
7 years you'e with him but you've had a couple 3 kiddoes with him, but not married.
I think your larger problem is the fact he's keeping you in a holding pattern.
He did you a favor. Get rid of him. There's no way back on this.
I completely agree with everyone here. Drunk is no excuse, and you need to take your children and be gone as soon as you talk to a lawyer.