Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Was I too easy on him?
My fiance and I have been dating since his freshman year (my junior year) in college. In his senior year we were living together, but things were rocky. I was in grad school and working a part time job, and he wanted to party like a college senior should. That year I noticed him texting another girl repeatedly. They would text from when they woke up to when they went to bed. He would text her saying "sorry, I won't be responding for a couple hours" when he and I would go on dates so she wouldn't get upset.
I found out a year later through a friend that he had hooked up with her. He had been going to her dorm room and helping her with math homework, and one day they went to take "just an innocent nap" and ended up fooling around. They didn't have sex, but did pretty much everything but.
We broke up for only about a week, and I thought we had resolved things because he agreed with everything I said, apologized, and promised to be better. It felt good to get back together. It felt comfortable and easy and natural. And I forgave him for making out with her. But I pushed down my feelings about their emotional attachment. I suggested counseling, he didn't really agree, so I dropped it.
We got engaged just a couple months later. I found out that he had purchased the ring before I found out about the cheating. But I thought "we've worked through it, we're awesome relationship superstars!" and kept on with the wedding plans.
So here it is, less than a month until my wedding, and I'm having panic attacks. The feelings I repressed during the busy time of finishing grad school, wedding planning, and finding a new job are finally resurfacing. He agreed that we should go talk to our pastor, which we are doing in a couple days.
Here are my main issues:
- He didn't seem to have a plan to tell me about the physical cheating. He actually blatantly said "we never did, and I never will do, anything physical with anyone but you". It took a whole year for me to find out.
- I was in therapy at the time of the texting and the hook up. I'd had a very difficult year, and was seeing a CBT counselor to deal with it.
- His response was extremely contrite and full of emotion and made lots of promises, but I'm not sure if he was saying it out of love or fear of losing me
We've also been having issues connecting this year. I've been so busy that I haven't noticed the drifting, but this weekend (my bachelorette) we made new friends and I felt more affirmed and supported than I have in at least 6 months or more. I didn't realize how down about myself I felt until I was lifted up by total strangers. And that, to me, is a scary thought.
Caveat: this isn't to say that our entire relationship has been this. These are the negatives I'm wrestling with. Was I too forgiving too quickly? Is love enough to move beyond long-term lies? Was he just young and dumb and should I just let it slide because that's what college guys do?
Best Answers
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PrincessVegan member
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DaringMiss member
If you need someone to type it out in black and white:This isn't how you are supposed to feel about the man you are marrying.You don't trust him. You don't feel supported and loved by him. You have serious doubts about him and the depth of your relationship with him. This isn't just cold feet. Listen to those doubts. -
MLE2010 member
I can't say if being easy on him is the right term. I think being unfair to yourself is a better way to express it. You are selling yourself short here and doing the easy thing.
Going to talk to the Patstor is okay but postponing the wedding and couples couseling is even better.
Personally I feel this relationship is doomed. He will go off to work or a bar or something one day and you two will have ups and downs. Who's to say he won't do this all over again if your relationship is in a down cycle? You don't trust him and he isn't giving you what you need. I'd leave him and cancel the wedding. -
TarponMonoxide member
How old is this guy?
Maybe 24 tops?
His problem is youth and age. Most guys 24 are still into the whole sow-your=wild-oats philosophy and most guys that age are not ready for a lifelong committment.
My kind advice:
He isn't for you.
It's immaturity -- and remember, girls mature faster than boys and a woman at 24 will be more mature than a guy who is 24.
Move on and find yourself a nice guy who isn't into this whole thing your current boyfriend is. Nice guys do exist. Good luck.
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Leftie22 member
Please don't get married until you resolve these doubts. It's much much harder to break up once you're married. You need to go to counselling with him, see if you really can resolve these issues or not, and regain your trust in him (if possible). Cheating is not okay. And he obviously wasn't planning on telling you about it. Marriage would just make things worse at this point.
Answers
Yes, you were too easy on him, or should I say you buried your head in the sand and no you were never relationship superstars. I mean really, you know deep down there is no way you can know he didn't sleep with her. He is a liar, if he can lie about the texts and lie about what happened between them for a year, then he most certainly can lie about whether or not they had sex. He has a history of being untrustworthy and I don't understand why you think he is being forthcoming now. Sure you can forgive him but I don't know how you can trust him.
Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life ? Always wondering if he might be cheating on you again ? Every time you have sex, will you be wondering what kind of diseases he might be exposing you to at that very moment ? Did you ever even take an STD test ? If not, then make an appointment tomorrow so you can know. Your health and your future isn't something that you can just hope for the best. You absolutely need to take control and know if he has exposed you to anything. Seriously, take an STD test as soon as possible.
Oh and no, cheating on their girlfriends isn't just something college guys do.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
He refused counseling after HE cheated on you! how perfectly nice for him.
you should have dumped his ass right there and then!
Which makes me believe something physical probably did happen and he was scared a counselor would have found out the truth.
I mean I could be wrong, but I have a feeling I am not.
If you believe him, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell ya.
- I was in therapy at the time of the texting and the hook up. I'd had a very difficult year, and was seeing a CBT counselor to deal with it.
- His response was extremely contrite and full of emotion and made lots of promises, but I'm not sure if he was saying it out of love or fear of losing me
Only sorry he was caught. Believe it.
He isn't worth it.
I've also cited youth, looking to sow his wild oats --- and he also is not compatible with you, just based on that alone.
Who knows if this guy will ever even grow up.
Are you willing to burn away who knows how many more years, waiting to see if he grows up or not? I wouldn't be keen to fritter away my time on this mess; neither should you.
You shouldn't be feeling down!
For love of mike, you should be excited and happy and thrilled about starting a life with a teriffic guy. And that he is NOT: not by any long shot.
Any good person of the cloth will tell you that the big vow is this:
FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.
He certainly forsook you by having somebody else come between you and him: another female.
Don't marry this guy. You already do not trust him, plus you and he are at 2 separate stages in your lives: you each want a different thing.
He wants to sow his wild oats -- he is NOT ready for a commitment --- and you want to settle down and have a committed relationship and marriage.
He already has shown you he's not ready to marry anybody, let alone you.
You are young. You will meet other guys --- and one that is worthy of you. Why do you want this guy at all?
He doesn't make you happy, from what you reported.
He isn't committed to you.
He isn't somebody who has your back, he isn't somebody who is a grown up and he is not somebody who is ready to get married and fit to be married.
And above all, don't let "it is already paid for and I have my gown" be the swaying factor here.
It is only money. You can eat that money --- better you lose money on a function than enter into a marriage that has no chance of surviving.
And even if you do marry this guy and do not divorce him, I guarantee you that you'll be sleeping with one eye open and wondering Is He Cheating Or Isn't He? You'll wonder if this latest babe of his is still somewhere in the picture and he will very glady play you and use you as his doormat.
Don't piss away any more moments of your time and trouble on this guy --- these are the best years of your life. Don't let this bum have one more second of those moments.
OP, it wouldn't hurt to check out this book.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Not-Marry-Wrong-Guy/dp/0307718751
@cabaker41, I want to tell you something that I tell my single friends and my little sisters. The person you choose to marry is the most important decision you will ever make. This person is the person you will make a home with, possibly have babies with and build a future with, so you must choose wisely because you have no idea what the future holds in store for you. You might lose jobs, lose homes, lose parents or like myself and my husband; lose a child. You might face serious injury, chronic illness, or debilitating diseases. You might have to deal with infertility, or like my friend have children with severe developmental delays. That is why your SO must be someone with character. Someone that is patient, kind, respectful, loving, encouraging, loyal, honest and trustworthy. You know deep down that your fiancé isn't a man with character. If so, he never would have texted that girl, never would have cheated on you, wouldn't have kept it from you and most certainly would have been more than happy to go to counseling if that is what you wanted / needed. He simply isn't husband and father material.
That is why I am so very blessed to have chosen my husband. In the years that we have been married, we have gone through two job losses, a chronic disease, a miscarriage and like I mentioned before, having to bury our first child. He is an amazing husband and father. He was there supporting me when I thought I was losing my mind to grief, and even after working long hours; he still wants to puts the kids to bed in order to give me a break. He will paint DD's toenails and play Captain Hook when they want to play Peter Pan. He is a blessing to my life everyday and I thank God that I had the good sense to date and then marry him.
If your fiancé couldn't be there for you when you were going through a difficult time, do you really think he will be there when life gets even more difficult ? Will he be there for you if you get MS or cancer ? What if you have a child that might not ever be verbal or use the toilet ? Think he will stick around for that ?
Remember, you have no idea what life has in store for you, so choose wisely.
If he isn't an adult about your relationship and his, what do you think would happen if a kiddo or 2 happened into the scene?
YOU can't depend on him.
Do you think your kids would be able to?
He's scored a big fat zero when it's come to you and his committment to you. He'll suck ass as a father and suck ass big time.
He's a horrible fiance. And you know he will be a horrible husband.
LOSE him.
I think you need to listen to your body, and follow your instincts, both of which are practically SHOUTING at you DON'T MARRY HIM.
Honestly, calling off a wedding will suck. Being married to a liar, cheater, and untrustworthy man will suck more. Cut your losses and dump him.
@cabaker41, are you still there ?
How are you feeling ? Did you talk to your pastor ? How did that go ?
Did you look into that book I recommended ?
Have you made an appointment to get tested for STDs ? No matter what, you need to get tested. Do not gamble with your health. Especially if it depends solely on trusting the untrustworthy. Even if all you get is peace of mind, it is still worth it to get tested. Please make an appointment soon if you haven't already.