Cheated while dating

ctrenholm

I just found out that my husband cheated on me about four months into dating him. We had a little bit of a different kind of relationship when we first started dating. I went to high school with him and we were really good friends but I was never interested in him in that way. We lost touch after high school and then I found him on Facebook in 2010. We started talking on the phone every day and texting. At the time I was on the west coast for business. (We live in MD) We started getting closer and closer and he told me he wanted to be with me. I originally said it might be easier to start a relationship once I was home in about 6 months. He said it would be fine and we could work on being in a long distance relationship.  Six months went by and I finally get home and the minute I saw him I fell even more in love. We got engaged two months later and married in December 2012. Well I just found out from one of his friends that he was messing around with this girl about two or three months into our relationship. The girl confirmed it and so did he since he knew he was caught. He said he was sorry and never told me because he knew I would leave him. They slept together twice. I just dont know what to think. I know it is different being away and not physically in a relationship and he said he had a moment of weakness but has never cheated on me again and never will. Once we were actually physically together the relationship dynamics changed of course since we could actually see and touch each other.  Is this something that you think is forgivable or would it be a deal breaker?

ReturnOfKuus

He was cheating on you just last year.  Yeah, I'd bail. 

ctrenholm

No, this was in 2010. We lived together all of 2011 and got engaged May 2011 and married Dec 2012

ReturnOfKuus

Ah.  Well, that still wasn't that long ago.  I mean, it's not like he cheated on you in high school, and now you're both in your sixties and you just found out what happened back then.  He's still the same guy who cheated on you.  How could he not be?  There hasn't been enough time for him to grow into a whole different person. 

I don't think it matters that you were long-distance.  Being apart physically didn't make your relationship honesty-exempt, did it?  He just plain doesn't have integrity.

grumbledore

Idk, it sounds like the relationship was in very early stages and not super serious yet...  I'm not usually an advocate of forgive and forget with cheating, but I might let this one pass depending on how serious or not serious the relationship was at the beginning.  2-3 months in, most relationships are still very casual.

ReturnOfKuus

2-3 months in, shouldn't people be really infatuated and not wanting to bang other people?

WendyGR

Unless you had had the "define the relationship" talk and agreed to be exclusive, I wouldn't consider it cheating. Healthy dating is getting to know lots of people and try not to get infatuated with anyone before you really get to know who they are.

JemmaWRX

WendyGR said:

Unless you had had the "define the relationship" talk and agreed to be exclusive, I wouldn't consider it cheating. Healthy dating is getting to know lots of people and try not to get infatuated with anyone before you really get to know who they are.

This is where I'm at. If the relationship was defined, and you both agreed to a monogamous, committed relationship, then I'd say get out. If it was in the early stages, not that serious yet, and you didn't have "the talk" then move past it. Sorry you had to find out like this. That really sucks. Good luck.

TarponMonoxide

I just found out that my husband cheated on me about four months into dating him.

Into 4 whole months of dating???

I don't call that cheating....UNLESS you and he had an agreement you and he were seeing each  other exclusively.

arhayden1

I agree with the posters about the defining the relationship

tiffanysbride

ctrenholm said:

I originally said it might be easier to start a relationship once I was home in about 6 months. He said it would be fine and we could work on being in a long distance relationship.  

So he was with someone else during the time you thought you should keep things casual?  Just b/c you agreed to start a relationship doesn't mean you agreed to be exclusive, whether long distance or not. Did he lie during that time or after about dating other people or did it never come up? I think forgiveness depends on the relationship status as well as his lying. 

Sillygirl45

JemmaWRX said:

Unless you had had the "define the relationship" talk and agreed to be exclusive, I wouldn't consider it cheating. Healthy dating is getting to know lots of people and try not to get infatuated with anyone before you really get to know who they are.

This is where I'm at. If the relationship was defined, and you both agreed to a monogamous, committed relationship, then I'd say get out. If it was in the early stages, not that serious yet, and you didn't have "the talk" then move past it. Sorry you had to find out like this. That really sucks. Good luck.

I'm with these posters. What really matters though is whether you can forgive or not. Defined or not, if you feel betrayed and can't get past it, you need to move on and be happy.

moonprincessd

You're married now right? I'm a firm believer in trying to make your marriage work. In this case, this happened before you got married and while you were "dating" (as others said, it depends on how you defined the relationship)

The question now is whether or not YOU can get past this. Can YOU forgive him? It might take counseling to get past this as well and in the end that might not save your marriage....

Also why would one of his friends tell you? and after the wedding? Isn't that a little odd? Like he's trying to stir up trouble? And why didn't the girl tell you till you asked her? 

TarponMonoxide

Also why would one of his friends tell you? and after the wedding? Isn't that a little odd? Like he's trying to stir up trouble? And why didn't the girl tell you till you asked her?

Maybe it's not even true. Maybe this person's making up a story --- and unless your H admits it, all bets are off.

To me, anything goes until you and that person decide you are mutually exclusive. In the interim, your weekend nights are your very own to do as you wish and as you find fit to dispose of.

4 months of dating is nothing at all.

It takes much longer than that to find out if he is dependable, if he will be around for the long run and if you can stand being with him for an extended length of time. Anything can happen in a 4 month time span.

You need several months of dating to find out if the guy is worth your while as your one and only long term boyfriend. Same goes for you --- you and he are testing the waters in the meanwhile and you're both looking to see what the other is like so far.

JemmaWRX

Another thing to consider OP - if the roles were reversed and you had a date, a casual encounter, a random hookup during those first few months, would you feel guilty? Would you feel like you did something wrong, betrayed him? Would you have felt obligated to "come clean"?

loves2shop4shoes

DTMFA

vpine

You're married now, I wouldn't care about what he did 4 months into DATING. As long as there's no cheating happening while married, shouldn't matter at this point.

kss20

vpine said:

You're married now, I wouldn't care about what he did 4 months into DATING. As long as there's no cheating happening while married, shouldn't matter at this point.

I agree with this.  Talk about it, get your feelings on the table, then move past it together.

boyankl

Nothing counts until "I love you"

kyrgyzstan

ReturnOfKuus said:

2-3 months in, shouldn't people be really infatuated and not wanting to bang other people?

Exactly. Everyone else is being crazy. If he said you guys were in an LDR, especially since it seemed like HE was pushing it, yeah it's a big deal.

dalm0m

As I understand this, after you reconnected, while you were still on the west coast during a period of time when YOU didn't want to start anything with him due to the distance, you say he cheated on you?  How could he cheat on you when you were denying that you were in a relationship?

Two months before you got home he stopped seeing this other person and now you are married.

You have to find a way to forgive and FORGET.  This is past & he didn't break your marital vows.  You promised for better or worse.  Yes this more on the "worse" side but it shouldn't end your marriage.

shada19

This isn't a deal breaker and I doubt that you believe that it is a deal breaker. What else is happening your relationship that is making you look for an out? 

CLI242009

WishIcouldbeinthe'stan said: 2-3 months in, shouldn't people be really infatuated and not wanting to bang other people?
Exactly. Everyone else is being crazy. If he said you guys were in an LDR, especially since it seemed like HE was pushing it, yeah it's a big deal.


I agree. Long distance relationship.  I would talk to him and ask him at the time you guys were in your LDR did he see it as casual or not? For me if you're in a relationship, you're exclusive. Period. That's just me though. 

Can't say anything else really. FI & I kind of skipped the whole are we or aren't we bf/gf stages and we're each others first so I can't really say forgive and forget. 

Mrs.Rad888

loves2shop4shoes said:

DTMFA

Someone discovered Dan Savage!

sillygoosegirl

It sounds like you both agreed that you weren't going to start a real relationship until you got back, which sounds to me like you were in agreement that it wouldn't be monogamous/exclusive while you were long distance, so it doesn't sound like cheating to me.  

As an LDR veteran myself, I'm a little appalled at your implication that two people can't start a real relationship while long distance.  But anyway, you certainly cannot "cheat" until a rule of monogamy has been established, which it sounds like you purposefully didn't do... in fact, it kind of sounds like you turned down his request for it.  

catsareniice1

I agree with what another poster said. He wanted to try for a LDR and cheated. He sucks and can't be trusted. NO excuse for cheating! Raise your standards!

GilliC

I know this is a really old post, but I just wanted to throw out there that long-distance relationship does not imply exclusive.

Just because you're using the word "relationship" doesn't automatically guarantee exclusive. That's why it's typically referred to as a talk to "define our relationship!" When I met my current SO, I was already seeing two other people regularly, and neither of them were local. One would definitely have said we had a LDR, even though we'd had a discussion in which I specifically said that we were not exclusive, and I was seeing other people. When SO and I decided to be exclusive (still as an LDR), we talked about it explicitly.

I have no idea of the defined status of OP's LDR, but I want to underscore that distance does not imply exclusivity. Exclusivity implies exclusivity, and distance doesn't supercede that either.