Marrying into a CRAZY Family

laceylaird

Hi Everyone,


My fiance' and I have been together for four years now. We have lived together for two years and we have a 16 month old daughter. His family is out of the box crazy. When we found out we were pregnant his dad and stepmother were furious. They would barely talk to me and constantly made rude comments. We were not engaged nor did we live together at this point. I almost miscarried our daughter in the middle of the night so I called him crying and he rushed over that night and we lived together from then on. His parents hated that he moved out of "the family home" and in with me. When I gave birth to our daughter they conveniently booked a trip out of town and missed her birth. Once they did meet her, they feel in love with her of course, and started to try to be friendly again He proposed to me when our daughter was seven months old. His brothers wife is a very insecure and jealous lady, so as soon as she found out I was pregnant in October she suddenly popped up pregnant in December. WE have two completely different parenting styles and i hate that we are constantly being compared. We can not have anymore children due to my health conditions, so our baby is a miracle and we are completely and totally in love with her. His brother and sister in law on the other hand plan on having a few more in the future so they try to get their baby to self soothe. My future in laws are very wishy washy. They create so much unnecessary drama, with their friends, family everyone around them. One day we go and visit and we just make them so proud, and they just can not say enough about how great we are doing, and how they are thrilled we are finally getting married in March 2014, then they proceed to bash his brother and sister in law to us. I know for a fact they do the same thing when we are not with them, and his brother and sister in law visit. It would not bother me too much except when we are all together they pick which couple they "like" most that day and proceed to be rude to the other daughter in law. It is especially hard for me because his sister in law will do anything to make me look bad to the in laws. It makes me go crazy. I can not help but have anxiety the entire time we are at a family function. My fiance' is in a hard place because if he tried to defend me they tell him I am trying to pull him away from his brother and his family. And that I am making things up and creating drama. If he does not say anything than I feel like he does not have my back. ANY ADVICE TO DEAL WITH THIS NIGHTMARE?

Thanks, L

Disneygeek77

You both need couple's counseling and you need to focus on him and not them. 

For one, he should never tolerate them bashing you and needs to nut up and say " You are not allowed to talk to her like that."

When you get married and make your vows, you promise to " Forsake all others and let no one come between."  So yes, there is no middle.  You and your baby come BEFORE his parents, and his brother.  Not equal to, before. 

Your fiancé also has to be confident enough know that it doesn't matter what they say.  They can accuse him of a slew of things, but as long as he knows he is doing right by you and your baby, that is all that matters.

Again, this is why I suggest couples counseling because if he can't uphold his marriage vows to put you first, then there is no future here. 

 

laceylaird

I agree I wish he would stand up for me! I think he would just rather make me feel better once we get home than start a fight with his entire family. Because that is exactly what would happen. Thanks for your support!!

Disneygeek77

It still doesn't matter.  What he is doing is cowardly and unacceptable.  He doesn't need to yell, swear or scream.  He simply has to say " I will not let you talk to her like that."

Stop letting him take the easy way out.  Focus your anger on him and not them because this all could be nipped in the bud if he stood up for you.  I know my husband certainly  wouldn't let his family talk to me like that and vice versa. 

That is why I suggested counseling.  He needs a professional third party telling him that HIS behavior isn't cutting it.  Remember actions speak louder than words.  He needs to start backing you up with real action before you get married in order to prove he is husband material.  Because, honestly, right now he isn't cutting it. 

Sillygirl45

Could we have an example of something they have done while you are visiting? On the one hand he absolutely needs to stick up for you. However, he does not need to cause a scene in front of the whole family, that would just be feeding the drama. I like telling the offending person, in a private conversation, "When you xyz, it makes us uncomfortable. In the future, we will leave when this, or anything like it, happens." 

If IL's are comparing your parenting styles with BIL's, for example, you can choose to ignore them in that moment and later FI needs to have a talk with IL's..."Hey mom, I know we all parent differently, but the constant comparing in front of others is getting old and making us uncomfortable. Please MYOB. If you have a valid question or concern, please feel free to have a private conversation with us." If they continue to do it, pack up and leave, then tell them you left because you felt uncomfortable and you thought you had already addressed this with them.

If your IL's are being abusive to you, leave. You and FI need to come to an agreement and have an exit plan. 

It helps with people like this to not engage when they are bashing others (if you are). Change the subject. Refuse to be a part of it. They'll get the hint eventually.

You also need to let go of IL's not being happy when you got pregnant and feeling SIL got pregnant to somehow steal your thunder. I can imagine they weren't happy. Your BF was still living at home. I don't know how old you guys are, but parents aren't really supposed to be thrilled when they find out their son, who still lives under their roof, got his girlfriend pregnant. As far as SIL getting pregnant, you don't know their motivation and it sounds like you're feeding a little into the competitive relationship your IL's are trying to create. Some people seem to think if they have their kids against each other, they won't be against them. Don't fall for it! SIL may be a competitive nut, or she may just be stuck in IL's drama. Either way, it's too bad for her, and not your problem!

Talk to your FI and tell him this is non negotiable. Something has to be done. If he refuses, I would try councilling. If he refuses that too, I would think twice about marrying him. IL issues don't go away. 

Juhgaill

My other piece of advice is that if they "bash" you SIL in front of you and fiancé, TELL them you don't like it, or tell them "im sorry, but you may not be happy with them, but I don't feel comfortable talking about this. If you want, please bring it up with them, but its not right for you to talk about them to me." 

BeckyOff

Find a man who won't willingly and repeatedly subject you to these types of people and situations.

HeironimiWife

I understand the in-law drama, especially with the SIL.  My SIL is extremely competitive and has a need to feel superior. I guess incidences for her past have caused such behavior.  At least my in-laws are aware of the quirkiness and know she is full of it.  However, my MIL and FIL aim to please in effort to keep the peace with everyone.  Therefore, they are consistently rotating which DIL they favor.  It is as if they have a "DIL of the week".  Additionally, my husband and I got married at a young age (I was 19 and he was 20).  My husband's brother and his wife had more than enough to say about that, as if it were their place.  At first my husband never spoke up to his family and I frequently felt alone.  However, throughout our marriage, we have learned how to best communicate with one another when it comes to our families.  He has begun noticing things and standing up for he and I.  Furthermore, karma has since caught up with my BIL and his wife.  Many family members are eating their words and are becoming a little more humble.  My only advise is to do what makes you and your husband happy.  Ignore and avoid the drama.  It will only help keep you sane and allow you to live a positive / healthy lifestyle. 

TarponMonoxide

Actually, I stopped right here:

When we found out we were pregnant his dad and stepmother were furious. They would barely talk to me and constantly made rude comments.

What you have there:

A FI problem.

NOT a "his parents" problem.

Where was he when this kind of mess was going on and moreover, why didn't he tell his parents where to go when they laid into you?

A FI problem....because this guy failed at being a team with you and failed even more grandly at being a man and a partner he can't stick up for you!

There would have been no way in tully I'd have permitted them to see my daughter and I'd have gotten rid of the FI in a flash.

When did they start the rudeness? I am guessing right at the start of your relationship. There and then you needed to leave him.

As for the rest...since you are evidently going to stay with him -- and please go back and reparagraph your post; you've sent it from a phone, I guess....


All the more reason why you needed to tell him goodbye:
. We were not engaged nor did we live together at this point.

And this is big of him....
I almost miscarried our daughter in the middle of the night so I called him crying and he rushed over that night and we lived together from then on.


His parents hated that he moved out of "the family home" and in with me.
Isn't that too bad for them.

When I gave birth to our daughter they conveniently booked a trip out of town and missed her birth.
And you let them know when you were giving birth? Geesh, they needed to be cut from both your lives!

Once they did meet her, they feel in love with her of course, and started to try to be friendly again
Big deal.

He proposed to me when our daughter was seven months old.
The horse is out of the barn but yours is a very good case for 1-using birth control and 2-NOT having kids until you are married with a good successful  and stable time being married, perhaps a couple of years' worth of marriage.

Birth control for you.

And if you were using BC and it failed somehow, some sex ed for you about backup methods.


His brothers wife is a very insecure and jealous lady, so as soon as she found out I was pregnant in October she suddenly popped up pregnant in December.
I wouldn't jump the gun on this one.  Probably coincidental and f you want to play that kind of mind game with yourself, you're welcome to it.

WE have two completely different parenting styles and i hate that we are constantly being compared.
Why should this bother you at all???

And if you don't like the comparison?

YOU can tell them to cut it out. God helps those who helps themselves; be your own best ally and stand for none of this nonsense.

We can not have anymore children due to my health conditions, so our baby is a miracle and we are completely and totally in love with her. His brother and sister in law on the other hand plan on having a few more in the future so they try to get their baby to self soothe.

I don't get ya.

My future in laws are very wishy washy. They create so much unnecessary drama, with their friends, family everyone around them.
Why in heck are you still bothering with them?

If they are that toxic they need to GO -- stop talking to them; no more contact.

One day we go and visit and we just make them so proud, and they just can not say enough about how great we are doing, and how they are thrilled we are finally getting married in March 2014, then they proceed to bash his brother and sister in law to us.

I know for a fact they do the same thing when we are not with them, and his brother and sister in law visit. It would not bother me too much except when we are all together they pick which couple they "like" most that day and proceed to be rude to the other daughter in law. It is especially hard for me because his sister in law will do anything to make me look bad to the in laws.

It makes me go crazy. I can not help but have anxiety the entire time we are at a family function.

WHOA to THIS:
My fiance' is in a hard place because if he tried to defend me they tell him I am trying to pull him away from his brother and his family. And that I am making things up and creating drama.
Really???

HE needs to tell them to go screw, the entire sorry bunch of them -- and cut them off for GOOD!

You, my dear, should be LIVID -- positively livid that he is telling them "You are right; my fiancee Laceylaird IS trying to pull me apart from my family! And yes, she is making things up; right as rain again!"

Because by virtue of the fact that he is NOT speaking up for you?

That is the message he is GIVING THEM!!

For love of MIke -- and your daughter --- LEAVE this wimp!

Why didn't you tell that entire pack of vipers where to go and what to do when they got there when you first heard them say this????

And include HIM in that bunch --- he is to be included in the telling of where to go. Wow...why are you with him at all???


If he does not say anything than I feel like he does not have my back. ANY ADVICE TO DEAL WITH THIS NIGHTMARE?

He has NOT had your back -- he ain't worth squat as a man! and you want to marry him? WHY did you agree to marry him considering what a mess and immature wimp he is???

If I were you -- and do this tomorrow, without fail:

Scratch the wedding, take your daughter and get out.

See an attorney for child support and visitation. If you have joint properties, joint anything, get an attorney to get that ready...spend not another moment with this guy.

He can't go to bat for you he can't tell his parents to take a flying leap and he can't be A MAN.

I don't know what his age is; if he is young 20s his youth is showing and if he is older than that, he's a very lost cause. HE will never grow up.

For the sake of your daughter, leave him -- here is why:

She will get the idea you are a doormat and also that it is a good idea for Daddy to treat Mommy like garbage... and don't ask what kind of foundation she'll get out of that when it's time for her to start dating and look for a husband.

She will either turn out to be a reticent little doormat or she will be just like her dad: run ragtag over her boyfriends/husband and put them in the same spot you are in.

This is not a healthy relationship you have with him. This is not a good dynamic to keep a child near. A child needs a healthy parental relationship and that is not what you have.

And wow, the rancor and other crap from his family -- no way should a kid be near a hotbed of dyafunction like that one.

Leave him today. You are losing nothing here...and if you did not have the kiddo, it would be so easy to just go. Now that there is a child involved, you're stuck with him for 18 whole years.

Therapy for you, stat -- and when he is gone? NO dating no men no relationships for a good couple of years. Do not make the same mistake again.

Wishing you luck.

Mgframe21

I understand the SIL drama more than you know! My "SIL" did the same thing to me she met my now brother in law and a month later amazingly was pregnant!! Right after a Dr told me that it was almost impossible for me to get pregnant. As for his family, I cant really say anything I love my husbands family, however that being said I refuse to speak to my own family because of the way they have treated my husband! Its constant drama and bickering and favorites! When it came to my SIL always trying to 'one up' me everyone thought i was crazy until she made an ass of herself one day in front of my husbands whole family. My only  advice I can give it live your life as a duck, let it roll off your back and fight the fights worth fighting. Shes not worth it and apparently neither is his family. Its easier said than done, but after awhile of your ILs will show their stripes so to say, and your husband will see. I did and my husbands family eventually did. Breath hun, and KISS.

Josh416

The secret to dealing with crazy people is having a strong foundation yourself, and then asserting yourself carefully. There's a good book called the "assertiveness workbook" that handles how to deal with difficult people who are trying to push you around. Basically, the secret to dealing with crazy people is A) don't let them push you around and don't try to push them around either (i.e. don't try to tell them to be sane, they won't). It's hard but it's doable.