Job over Marriage?

Snickerboo

Hi, I only been married a few months and before Hubby and I were married, we had our ups and downs but only like any other relationship. He is everything to me. I respect him and want to support him in any way I can. It wasn't until after we were married, Hubby tells me that above all things, his JOB is most important. And believe me, I know it's important when you have all these bills and expenses to pay for. Well, one night recently I was upset about something...and naturally as a female I was crying about it. I was going to sleep in another room so I wouldn't disturb him but he told me to stay in the same room. As expected, my crying kept him awake. Days later he told me again that work was his top priority, but he went further more to make it clear to me that "Making enough money for bills is most important and if I'm preventing him from proper sleep for him to go to work, I must go."
Then, I kid you not...He said that if I am preventing him from working or if I am even affecting his job, he is getting a divorce.

So I suppose he truly does love his job more then me...I want to be helpful to him and support him...but it hurts me to know that he would actually leave me if I messed up.

Is there anyone else out there that has a spouse who puts their work as top priority, even over you? If so, how do you cope with it? I am trying to be understanding to him but it really hurts me to know he wants a divorce because he thinks I'm in the way of his work.

And I'm not. Sometimes I have things going on and I need to talk with him, and that's natural. When he gets home, everyday I ask how his day was and if there is anything I can do. I support him fully. Why would he suggest a divorce over something like this? It made me think that possibly something else was going on but everything else seems fine...

TarponMonoxide

This whole thing is bananas!

Before you were married -- better yet, when you were thinking of marriage --- didn't you and he dicuss all vital issues, before the 2 of you decided to get serious and get married???

You should have.

If you knew that his job would command most of his attention and time and you knew that was the fact when you started dating him, how come now this is an issue with you? Did you somehow think he'd turn into a 9 to 5 guy once you got married?

Or if you did, and he agreed to make time for you after you were married --- and he's giving you this kind of a story now, he pretty much didn't uphold what he agreed regarding his job.

What does he do for a living? I am curious.

Yes his job is important -- as is yours -- but top priority over you???? You didn't get married to sign onto that agreement!

You need to sit down with him and have another talk --- do not do it now --- wait another week or so and then have a discussion and do it at a time when you and he have time to talk about the subject extensively.

If he is telling you now that he will more or less *never be home* and will be *working around the clock* because his job is a priority, not so good. What about you??? You guys just got married.
This is a crucial adjustment time --- when is he going to spend time with you?

TarponMonoxide

And if he is hollaring divorce now??

Either he doesn't have a way to adequately handle an issue like an adult --- or something is funky indeed and he's got a card he ain't showing.

He cannot pull the divorce card because of his job --- and what do you mean, if you "mess up"? That's why I say this is bananas.

tlc35

For us we both have careers that are important to us and fulfilling and that is part of what attracted us to each other.  I wouldn't say our jobs are more important but they are a big part of our lives.  I was out of work for a while and I wasn't happy and I wasn't as good of a wife during that time.  DH is the same way with his job and while I sometimes wish he was home more but for us I realize that it is a part of him and he would be unhappy and resentful if I forced him to work less.

Well the point is that this was well understood before we even considered getting married.  I absolutely agree with PP that pulling the divorce card is ridiculous after one crying jag.  You guys definitely need to have a discussion about your priorities and needs.

Leftie22

Is he an android? His wife is lying beside him crying and he's blowing a fuse because he's not getting his sleep?? That sounds incredibly unfeeling and strange. If he loves you he should be worried about what's going on with you, not having one night of slightly interrupted sleep. I have to ask - what happens if you have kids? If they cry at night, he'll put them up for adoption? His attitude seems very odd. It sounds like it's more than just loving his work to me. You and your feelings are important!

Kimbus22

He said that if I am preventing him from working or if I am even affecting his job, he is getting a divorce.

This alone tells me he's either got his priorities insanely screwed up or he's just looking for an out for some other reason and thinks a job is a convenient excuse.  Either way if my husband said that to me, he's have two options.  Either go to couples counseling and try to get on the same page about priorities and expectations or get the fuck out and go marry his job.

PrincessVegan

I'd consider taking him up on his offer. That job over wife mentality is BS!

erollis

I completely agree with Kimbus and Tarpon. It's fine like tlc and her H but I'm sure if one of them had a crisis they would leave work and come to the others aid (without being pissy).

TarponMonoxide

Leftie22 said:

Is he an android? His wife is lying beside him crying and he's blowing a fuse because he's not getting his sleep?? That sounds incredibly unfeeling and strange. If he loves you he should be worried about what's going on with you, not having one night of slightly interrupted sleep. I have to ask - what happens if you have kids? If they cry at night, he'll put them up for adoption? His attitude seems very odd. It sounds like it's more than just loving his work to me. You and your feelings are important!

What does he do for a living? I'm still curious to find out what it is

(and if this is how he feels about his wonderful and rigid work ethic, perhaps he should have chosen to remain a single working slob)

The busiest of doctors still have time for their families. What's with him?

arhayden1

Kimbus22 said:

He said that if I am preventing him from working or if I am even affecting his job, he is getting a divorce.

This alone tells me he's either got his priorities insanely screwed up or he's just looking for an out for some other reason and thinks a job is a convenient excuse.  Either way if my husband said that to me, he's have two options.  Either go to couples counseling and try to get on the same page about priorities and expectations or get the fuck out and go marry his job.

I agree here

TarponMonoxide

arhayden1 said:

Kimbus22 said:

He said that if I am preventing him from working or if I am even affecting his job, he is getting a divorce.

This alone tells me he's either got his priorities insanely screwed up or he's just looking for an out for some other reason and thinks a job is a convenient excuse.  Either way if my husband said that to me, he's have two options.  Either go to couples counseling and try to get on the same page about priorities and expectations or get the fuck out and go marry his job.

I agree here

And if he is looking for an out?

Let him say "I want out" and GO!!!!!

She needs to sit down and talk to him. Either he is looking for a handy way out or he can't handle a conflict like an adult and solve it in tandem with his partner, aka HIS WIFE!!!

So what is so sacred and so fantastic that she is "not allowed" to rain on his employment parade? Dying to know what he does for a living -- and as I said, the busiest and most successful of doctors still have time for a family. The Pope and the Pres are not that busy, either -- what's his game?

Sillygirl45

I could understand him explaining that his job is important and if you, for some unknown reason, wanted him to quit or change careers, he's not going to do it.

There's a reason divorce rates are high for police and doctors. People get married thinking they know what they are getting in to, but they don't. For many it ends up being too much to come in second to someone's career.

However, I'm really not understanding where your H is coming from. You offered to sleep in another room to not disturb him. He said "no". He then suddenly states he will divorce you if you stand in his way of work in any manner, even unintentionally? This is an odd statement and odd behavior. It sounds like he's looking for problems.

I would ask him what exactly he meant and what prompted such an over the top statement. 

lisa2008boo

What the heck! This is wrong very very wrong! If you don't get this fixed and get him and you into some therapy where they can set him straight and fast you are looking at a divorce. Your spouse should be the most important thing you are suppose to be working together as a team building a life together. If he wanted to do it all alone and leave you out he should have stayed single. He needs to realize this isn;t not going to work.

DaringMiss

First impression: I agree with other posters -- there is something else going on here.  His response is disproportionate and incomprehensible.  Is he possibly having an affair?

I would suggest counseling to work on this.  Is his position (work over all else) really brand new or has he always felt like this?

Bottom line: if he won't try to compromise on this topic, if he truly feels that his job is more important than you or the quality of your marriage, there is nothing to save here.  One person can't keep a whole marriage afloat.